The Assassinated Press

Rick Perry defends Marines caught urinating on Taliban corpses.
“I urinate in public all of the time. I urinate on my dog. I urinate in my wife’s mouth.”---Perry Says.
Public urination in Texas encouraged because it improves the smell.
Marines Say Urination Is Corps’ New Way of Marking Territory.

The Assassinated Press

WASHINGTON — Texas Governor Rick Perry, scrambling to keep his U.S. presidential bid alive, admitted he violates Texas laws concerning urinating in public while launching a spirited defense of a videotape that shows four Marines pissing on dead Taliban fighters in Afghanistan.

“Hell. I just figured in a place even more barbaric than Texas likes to think it is, urination’ in public must be legal,” Perry says. “I mean here in Texas we got one jakes for every 500 citizens and still a lot choose to urinate and defecate in the street or on their loved ones.

When ya gotta go, ya gotta go!

“These kids made a mistake. There’s not any doubt about it. They shouldn’t have done it in front of a camera kinda like when I debate in front of one. It’s bad,” Perry told CNN’s “State of the Union” program.

“But to call it a criminal act, I think, that’s applying effete Eastern standards and laws to a bunch of young asshole crackers in the mid-thirties we here in Texas and elsewhere in the country purposely under-educate and misinform so that they would have the opportunity to work for the military industrial complex at slave wages in the places they have less a clue about than the US, is over the top,” said Perry, who faces a possible make-or-break performance in the South Carolina Republican presidential primary on Saturday.

Calls begging for Texas to secede from the Union or be forced out have been pouring in from all over the country and the world.

“It’s time for America to cut Texas loose and let Texans flush themselves down the toilet of history,” her Majesty the Queen of England told the Assassinated Press. “Oh, that’s right. Texans haven’t been potty trained. That WOULD explain the flies.”

The U.S. Marine Corps named an investigative officer last week to decide what, if any, charges to bring against the four young Marines, ages 32 to 41, shown in the widely circulated videotape.

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, no strangers to public urination, and other members of the Obama administration have denounced the action by the Marines because of national security concerns.

“Defiling, desecrating, mocking, photographing or filming for personal use insurgent dead constitutes a grave breach of the [law of armed conflict],” Lieutenant General Curtis Scaparrotti, who heads day-to-day Afghan operations, wrote the troops last week. “But more importantly, the marines’ actions in this case violate US national security by revealing new, advanced methods employed by the military to mark territory by urinating on it. The proposal was first made by Defense Secretary Leon ‘The Liarn’ Panetta, an avid hunter and became policy when Obama took office when it realized the absolute uselessness of satellite imaging.”

It has become apparent that none of the drones launched during the Obama administration have struck their intended targets putting a strain on US/Afghan relations not to mention the dictionary meaning of ‘intended.’

“I like a good golden shower myself,” Perry admits.

Perry, a former Air Force pilot, said the four Marines should be appropriately punished. “But going after them as a criminal act, I think that’s like saying they were pissing on a bum outside a bar in Lubbock. That’s sending really a bad message because it’s about all the fun these culture factory freak are ever gonna get,” he said.

When ya gotta go, ya gotta go!

Suggesting that armed conflict and being a idiot elected governor of a state weighed down with evangelical retards can alter personal behaviour, Perry noted that “there is a picture” of legendary Army General George Patton urinating in the Rhine River in Germany near the end of World War Two while US troops bath not a hundred yards from the general.

A river is not a body, Governor Asshole.

“Although there’s not a picture,” Perry added, British Prime Minister Winston “Churchill did the same thing on the Siegfried line,” a massive wall of German defenses once again missing any available bodies and committing a misdemeanor in the Fuhrer’s own back yard..