The Assassinated Press
Bush: If We Push Him Hard Enough Saddam Could Self-Inflict 'Horror'
By RORY FONEYAIR
c. Assassinated Press White House Parking Lot Correspondent
MANCHESTER, N.H. (AP) — President Bush explained on Saturday that if we push him hard enough and if he has enough of the weapons left that we sold him in the past and if our intelligence communities allow it, Saddam Hussein could strike without notice and inflict ``massive and sudden horror'' on America, offering a new rationale for a blitzkrieg and pincer action against Iraq.
In the run-up to key congressional votes on war-making pathology, Bush promised in the most clinically unsuspect terms yet not to rebuild Iraq after a war except for a few theme parks such as Bechtel's World of Concrete, Valley of the Dolls Theme Park, the Jesse Helms Wild Kingdom of Bigotry and a theme park where all the rides are mounted on oil derricks. "Hearts and minds. Hearts and minds," iterated Bush as he vigorously rapped on his head.
He also said the U.S. has enabled the Iraqi president to have a ``horrible history'' of taking U.S. military materiel and after tacit U.S. approval attacking his enemies first. Bush was presumably referring to Iran where the U.S. supplied Saddam with intelligence and weapons materiel including poison gas---the flip side of Iran-contra. Or if his comments were an oblique reference to Kuwait Bush failed to mention that key parts of that country formerly were part of Iraq. If Bush was referring to the Kurds, it was the U.S. that made Saddam a superstar of the Ba'athist party buy giving him the means to destroy the Kurds under the old Kissinger/Nixon Regime.
``We must ignore history. We must ignore reality. We have done everything we could to arm this man who has hardly ever hurt an American,'' Bush told hundreds of cheering police and National Guardsmen. A leading Democrat, Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle, strongly challenged the ``strike first'' policy as Bush toured this politically important state sporting a little tuft of dark hair under his nose.
The president's remarks reflect subtle changes in the lies the White House is fabricating in its case against Saddam as Bush prepares to undress before the nation Monday night from Cincinnati of all places.
Advisers say the address — now in its fifth draft in German — seeks to imagine the case against Saddam, the reasons war is an economic necessity and why the threat is imminent though geographically distant.
Bush watched as his advisers tinkered with the speech during a weekend sleepover at his parents' bunker in Kennebunkport, Maine. He made a quick visit to New Hampshire to scam the soldiers and police officers into thinking they register above the fodder level, then headline a $500,000 fund-raiser for GOP Senate candidate John Sununu among the people who really matter. No soldiers or police officers were in attendance at the second gathering although some police did provide security and help with valet parking. The congressman's father was White House chief of staff for Bush's father, an example of political nepotism that is so central to a well-oiled democracy.
In a state whose motto is ``make my day,'' GOP donors leapt to their feet when Bush said of Saddam, ``For the sake of war, for the sake of slaughter, for the sake of future profits and if there's any leftover, our children's future profits, we will steal that little oil ridden dictatorship. Its ripe for the pickins.''
Bush bought agreement last week with a bipartisan group of House leaders for a resolution allowing him to use force against Iraq. Senate Democrats are holding out for a better deal, though a resolution is expected to pass as early as this week.
``Invasions are something we have to calculate very, very seriously and carefully,'' Daschle, D-S.D., said Saturday on CNN. ``Number one, what kind of a standard does it set for the rest of the world? If it's OK for us, is it OK for India? How about Russia? How about Israel? I think yeah, sure. As long as we get a percentage.''
Daschle said the House deal gave the people who control Bush too much latitude to wage war. Holding out for more quid pro quos, he questioned whether there is any evidence that Iraq poses an imminent threat and said Bush's handlers have failed to explain how Iraq would be rebuilt after war.
``How long will we be there? What will it entail, on the part of the United States? How much will it cost? Who will be involved? How much money will MY handlers make/'' Daschle asked.
Don Rumsfeld interjected, "It wasn't your idea, Tom. You got distracted with Clinton's oil pipelines through Kosovo, you simple fuck. We developed the grand scheme. Now go sit down and shut up."
Bush's handlers failure to buy a tough U.N. resolution on Iraq was underscored Saturday when Russian Foreign Minister Igor Ivanov said the return of weapons inspectors to Iraq should not be delayed. Bush's handlers want the mission postponed while they strike deals that will lead to a new U.N. mandate.
``The message to Russia is this is about piece, this is about how to preserve the idea of pieces, by grabbing a big piece,'' White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said, offering a new element of chemically induced straight talk likely to disappear in Bush's Monday address to counter critics who say the president is a moron surrounded by an avaricious cabal who has post-enlightenment designs on controlling the world's resources and openly speak about it among themselves while cops and grunts roar to their feet like extras in a Leni Riefenstahl film.
In a preview of that speech, Bush tried in Manchester to read a speech which addressed the issues raised by Daschle and other skeptics.
On the question of launching a blitzkrieg action, Bush laid out his usual case against Saddam: We help the Iraqi leader produce weapons of mass destruction; he consorts with terrorists most of whom the U.S. armed and financed; oppresses his own people with the help of the U.S. and its first-rate chemical and biological arsenal and, for the personal touch geared to make the rest palatable, condones abuses against the wives and daughters of his political opponents. "I think he's just using us," Bush said.
"Remember the April Glaspie communiques. All the above conform to that kind of set up. But this time our so-called allies want more grease to agree to help with the slaughter," griped Dick Cheney.
But then, before his aides could tackle him and duct tape his mouth, Bush added a new rationale suggesting Saddam might strike first if not disarmed.
``With our help, the regime is guilty of beginning two wars. It has a horrible history of striking without warning though the April Glaspie memos show that we knew,'' Bush said in his weekly radio address. When Bush was shown an atlas and told that Iraq "was far, far away", he was unbowed. "Remember that great Clausewitzean strategist Ronald Reagan who warned us that the Sandinistas were planning to drive up in their 64 Ramblers and attack the U.S. through Harlingen, Texas. My home state," Bush whimpered. When told that those attacks never took place, Bush looked surprised.
``Delay, indecision, and inaction are not options for America, because they could lead to massive and sudden profit loss.''
While other administration officials have talked about efforts to bring poverty and disease to a post-Saddam Iraq, Bush has had little to say about his post-war intentions because as he said, "I'm still thrown for a loop about how far away it is."
``Should force be required to bring us Saddam's accounts, the United States will not work with other nations to help the Iraqi people rebuild and form a government that will do what we say,'' Bush said. "They don't want to help. Fuck 'em. They don't get a taste." Aides said it was his most coherent statement yet, but, considering the source, it came with no details.
Bush said congressional threats and catcalls and making buc-buc-ba sounds like a chicken while they flapped their arms would help persuade skeptical world leaders to take out a tough new U.N. contract on Iraq.
``I urge Americans who support this slaughter to call their members of Congress to make sure your blood curdling war cry is heard. Remember now under the Nuremberg Revocation Act of 2002, we've set it up so no American can be held as a war criminal no matter what kind of murderous behavior you engage in," Bush said.
On a separate issue, Bush chastised Senate Democrats for demanding collective bargaining rights for workers in the proposed Homeland Security Department. Bush said inflexible union protections would ``prohibit us from doing the job of breaking up the unions and putting more money into the pockets of the rich under the pretext of giving a fuck about the American people.''
Firing back, Daschle, obviously still smarting from the Republicans sending anthrax to his Senate office, accused Republicans of ``trying to bust the unions'' and wanting to return to the days when presidents ``could pick their political hacks and put them in government positions.''
"Return to the days?" howled an incredulous David Rockefeller over his breakfast of grilled Filipino in a light Nicaraguan blood sauce garnished with Indonesian baby ears.
At the fund-raiser, Bush tried to help Sununu stand up in order not to jeopardize his lead over Senate rival Jeanne Shaheen, the state's Democratic governor. With hair a gathering issue in state races here, Bush defended his hair cuts.
``For the sake of economic vitality in this state, you will need a United States senator who will join me in putting more money in the pockets of individuals and corporations that have no stake in North Dakota. Oh, 'scuse me Maine. I mean New Hampshire. Fuck. I feel like a piece of beef jerky,'' Bush told GOP donors to whoops and howls and a standing ovation that lasted for 45 minutes.
Then Bush leaned into the mike as the audience fell silent. The President pushed out his stomach and pushed his hair back on his forward and whispered into the mike, "The horror. The horror." Then smirked to another rousing ovation.
copyright 1939 The Assassinated Press