The Assassinated Press

New Archeological Evidence Proves Lascaux Was a Paleolithic Police Station, Processing Center and Jail.

The Assassinated Press

Barney Wachuck, Professor of Forensic Archaeology at Ted Nugent University in Big Bladder Theme Park, Texas and author of Paleo Sores: When Ancient Man Spreckled his Pickle, has a revealed a startling new interpretation for the painted caves found in the Dordogne region of France.

“I’m afraid since their discovery in the 1940’s every other archaeologist studying these sites has made an ass of himself and embarrassed the discipline of forensic archaeology,” Professor Wachuck told the Assassinated Press .

“It’s painfully obvious from my many years as forensic adviser to the Madlock and CSI television series, that Lascaux and other sites were used as Paleolithic police precincts. The outlines of hands on the walls were a form of crude fingerprinting. The pictures of animals served as posters used to identify stolen or poached livestock crimes which dominated the Paleolithic period.”

“Skill, schmill” roared the Fulbright professor when asked about the delicate detail in form and coloration of the drawings of ancient bison, horses and aurochs found in the caves.

“Delicate my ass. Half the tourists that visit the site have the same response as they do when they see a Jackson Pollock or Mark Rothko painting: ‘Fuck. I could paint that’.”

“Far from delicate most of the drawings are done from stencils cut from large leaves and animal skins.”

To bolster Wachuck’s claims pieces of fibrous material laying on the cave floors suggest that they were used as ancient restraints much like the plastics cuffs the pigs use today. The lower recesses of the caves appear to have served as holding cells, interrogation rooms and torture chambers. And like their baboon ancestors crime scenes were ‘roped off’ by Paleolithic cops pissing about the crime’s perimeter, a time when the vast majority of crimes were solved by smell whereas today the fuzz arrest the first black or Hispanic man walking down the street, bust up his head and then retire to the nearest bar, fishing boat emporium and/or drug den for a little unearned R&R.

Several of the caves’ images may be that of the most notorious horse thief of the Paleolithic period. Though it could also be a crude portrayal of the yellow baboon which roamed the area at the time, a horse thief identified only with a set of symbols which when rendered aurally sounds like a strobing gastric disorder in an echo chamber sounded as FRrrrRRRrrrRRRrrrFFRRRrrrRRRrrrRRR… is believed to be depicted in profile in several different caves.

Each time this FRrrr.. is shown performing the ancient Paleolithic ritual, known variously as spanking the monkey, bopping the baloney, buffing the banana, burping the worm, choking the chicken, cleaning your rifle, corking the bat, cranking the shank, cuffing the carrot, figment fucking, fisting your mister, flogging your dog, floggin the frog, flogging the hog, flogging the log, flute solo, jerkin'the gherkin, looping the mule, manual override, painting the pickle, pocket pinball, pocket pool, polishing the banister, polishing the rocket, pounding your flounder, pumping the python, roping the pony, spanking the monkey, teasing the weasel, tossing the turkey, walking the dog, whipping the willy, wonking your cronker, yanking the crank.

Dr. Wachuck claims that such behavior shows a strong connection between religious belief, confinement and auto-eroticism. DNA taken from tiny droplets of petrified jizz, seem to support Wachuck’s claim.