The Assassinated Press

What do we want---Kleptocracy!! When do we want it? Now!!!
Supreme Court Considering Direct Corporate Payments to Voters.
Buying Votes Designed to Stimulate Economy.
“I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.”--- Jay Gould

The Assassinated Press

The Supreme Court's recent holding in the campaign spending case Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission can be summed up in a few words: The Federal Government including judgeships is open for business.

In a completely predictable decision for a reactionary, corporate friendly majority, the justices, led by Anthony Kennedy, overturned a federal law that barred corporations from spending money on political ads and other speech in the run-up to an election.

Then individuals were barred from inquiring who these corporate donors are even though much of the money is coming from overseas investment banks, governments, mafias, terrorist groups and/or corporations. “Fuck, Just when we were learning to trust our Yankee Doodle Dandy investment banks here in the US, we find out that foreigners are still buying American politicians and can do it with impunity,” Karl Rove told a group of shocked Republicans.

But now a new proposal goes even further. This legislation cobbled together by a consortium of like minded reactionaries including Senators John Bohner and Jim DeMint, billionaire Charles Koch, Tea Bagger bag man Dick Armey, Republican bag man Karl Rove, Goldman Sachs and libertarian candidate Rand Paul is under consideration. The legislation proposes that corporations both foreign and domestic be allowed to gift voters unlimited cash awards in exchange for their votes.

Democracy Queer as a Three Dollar Bill

“I’m fucking all for this,” hooted Tea Bagger candidate from Kentucky Rand Paul. “This levels the playing field. No longer will people running for public office be the only ones profiting from elections. Now every citizen’s vote is a commodity, legal tender if you will.”

“We expect a challenge from those bullies who just can’t think outside the democratic box,” Rove told the Assassinated Press. “So we’ll probably wind up before the Supreme Court where I’m certain our corporate money is good and will again be affirmed to be so.”

“I have every confidence that Kennedy and his gang will see things our way” said Ed Gillespie shill for the US Chamber of Congress.

Under the proposal cash payments can vary widely from a few dollars to thousands of dollars per vote is some tight races. “Voters will finally have the option to withhold their votes until the very end right before the polls close to get the best deal in races that are coming down to the wire,” Rove enthused. “This will also create the occasional surprise upset with late money flooding into a district to turn the tide at the last minute. And it’s efficient. A corporation wouldn’t have to squander money on a race that wasn’t close in the first place. Its market sound electioneering.”

Dumb Is the New Smart

The proposal also allows corporations to barter for votes by giving away free cartons of cigarettes and beer. Corporations could also offer voters their goods or services for free for a limited amount of time in exchange for their vote.

However, there is no provision in the proposal to address the problem of corporations reneging on their agreements. “Oh shit. That’ll never happen,” Rove chimed. “If you can’t trust your corporations who can you trust?”