The Assassinated Press

O’Reilly Viewers Dying Off in Droves. Is Watching Bill O’Reilly Bad for your Health?
Bill O’Reilly gives Aubrey de Grey’s SENS Research Center $100,000,000.00 to Extend the Life of his Viewer Demographic.

The Assassinated Press

The average demographic of a Bill O’Reilly viewer is white privileged, racist and 72 years old whose never lifted a finger for the common good in his or her entire life. And as god intended they’re ding off in droves.

Soon that foul generation will be extinct leaving the world a better place. But it will also mean the demise of Bill O’Reilly as his audience crokes and less gullible and willfully ignorant generations follow. O’Reilly is 69.

O’Reilly Lies to a Grateful Nation

But O’Reilly has a plan to keep himself on the air. He has enlisted the help of the SENS Research Center in the form of a one hundred million dollar investment.

The goal of De Greys’ Research Center is to extend the life expectancy of the average human to 160 years using a variety of regenerative cell techniques and extracellular material in situ.

De Grey argues that aging is a disease -- one that can be cured if it's approached as "an engineering problem like building a skyscraper or an armed drone to knock it down.

His plan calls for identifying all the components that cause human tissue to age like beer and cigars, and designing remedies for each of them — forestalling disease and eventually pushing back death.

He calls the approach Strategies for Engineered Negligible Senescence (SENS).

De Grey’s Fevered Imagination

Problem for Bill is anyone over 50 years of age need not apply, because the techniques which SENS funds use a step-ladder of progressive advancements which only apply to with individuals 50 years of age or less.

“It’s a chance I’ll have to take,” said O’Reilly the pompous congenital liar who appears on the Fox news channel. “Otherwise that blood sucking vampire sack of shit, Murdoch, will live forever because even Satan finds him too filth ridden and he will fire me.”

“It’s not about demographics my point of view. It’s not about saving the country. I don’t give a toad’s turd about this country. It’s not even about audience share. It’s about me,” O’Reilly added. “I’m a cash cow for some very rough fuckers. I can’t disappoint them or all of the Aubrey de Greys in the world won’t be able to help me. I owe them my soul. Satan has to get in line with my other creditors.”

“If the folks in my demographic can’t attain 160 years, I should for the hundred million of their dollars I donated. Too bad they were too busy being arm chair bigots or they might have known about Aubrey’s fine work and had a few bucks to kick his way.”