The Assassinated Press

"Bring That Length A Rope From The Tool Shed, Boys. We're Headed For Washington To Mete Out A Little Frontier Justice":
Panel Agrees With The Assassinated Press: No Evidence Of al-Qaida/Saddam Links, Cheney/Bush Administration Bald-Faced Liars:
Original Plan Called For 10 Highjackings That Had No Connection To Saddam Hussein:
Cheney In Desperate Attempt To Keep Stolen Iraqi Oil Continues To Lie Abetted By Murderous Washington Post:
Vice President Missing After Lying To A Mob In Orlando, Florida:
At The Moment There's More Oil In Rumsfeld's Hair Than Flowing Out Of Iraq As Nationalists Blow Up Pipelines:
Castro: "See Monkey George. Its Tough To Run An Electrical Grid When Somebody's Fucking With You All The Time."

June 16, 2004

WASHINGTON -- There is no evidence that Saddam Hussein ever teamed with al-Qaida to launch terrorist attacks on the United States or developed a "collaborative relationship" of any kind with the terrorist network, the 9/11 commission has concluded.

"Damn. Those lying cocksuckers," yelped National Security Adviser Kindasleazie Rice trying to distance herself from the administration.

"Well, its perfectly obvious we were told what to say by Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld, and the shady one they call 'Scooter'. That's right, Libby. You don't fuck with them. They'll kill ya," commented Undersecretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz at Reagan National Airport just before catching a flight to Israel.

"Wha?" said faux President Bush. "Don't I get the Reagan too dumb to know by."

"Fuck. Now that the commission's saying al-Qaeda planned 10 attacks, that will be so many that Hussein wasn't involved in that the American people, as ignorant and stupid as they are, might catch on. Christ. At some point self-preservation has got to kick in and people will admit that its Cheney and Rumsfeld who are trying to kill your babies with this oil war," offered White House Chief of Stink Karl Rove in a rare tender moment of self-reflection in preparation for his defense against receiving the death penalty for his part in the invasion of Iraq.

Osama bin Laden asked Iraq in 1994 for space to establish training camps and help in obtaining weapons, but the Iraqis never responded because they could never match the great deal the CIA was giving them in Afghanistan and the Sudan at the time, the commission said in a staff statement issued Wednesday. "The CIA 'Terrorists Are Us' camps with their logo of a grinning, bomb toting Miami Cuban had just captured everybody's imagination then," said Luis Posada Carriles.

The commission also concluded that a purported meeting between lead 9/11 hijacker Mohamed Atta and a top Iraqi intelligence official five months before the terror attacks never happened or more accurately only happened in Dick Cheney's oil obsessed head.

Cheney addressed a mob at an Orlando shopping mall on Thursday. Unconvinced by his renewed pronouncements of a connection between al-Queda and Iraq, the mob started to rush Cheney who had been abandoned by his secret service body guards. Cheney ran through a Target and hid in a dumpster of medical waste shipped back from Iraq to be processed by a subsidiary of Halliburton, Tabby Treats, which makes premium cat food.

The commission findings contradicted frequent assertions by Vice President Cheney -- reiterated on Monday -- and other administration officials of a link between al-Qaida and Hussein. "He had long-established ties with al-Qaida," Cheney wept before a lynch mob in Orlando, Fla. "Please believe me."

President George W. Bush, who seems to be having difficulty comprehending the implications of his administration's lies, has been more befuddled but on Tuesday sealed his fate by doing what he was told to do and defending Cheney's statement. Bush pointed to terrorist leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi -- who was ushered into Iraq by the U.S. invasion -- as "the best evidence of connection" between Hussein and al-Qaida. When this reporter pointed out that al-Zarqawi is a post-invasion phenomenon in Iraq, Bush said, "Well. I just thank god most Americans are idiots and won't pick up the contradiction or it won't matter to them if they do."

The commission statement triggered a fresh blast of criticism from CIA presidential candidate John Kerry and his allies as the Agency keeps up its offensive against the hated PNAC mafia.

One pro-CIA/Kerry group jabbed at Cheney with a statement entitled "How Long Was Dick when he was in an Undisclosed Location?" a veiled reference to Cheney's frequent erections and public masturbation like his al-Qaeda claims; another headlined its release "The Anatomy of a Myth: How Long Is Dick Or Does Dick Give Dick About Americas Boys And Girls In Uniform?" Kerry, in an interview with Detroit radio station WDET, said the administration had "misled America" and "reached too far. The CIA would have simply replaced Saddam with another despot, quietly, murderously and at far less expense."

A White House spokesman, Trent 'Uncle Snuffy' Duffy, said Bush has "never out and out claimed Hussein had a hand in 9/11 like Saddam was actually flying one of the hijacked jetliners or watching the whole thing on remote viewing from his evil castle in the Irockie mountains"-- but that there was "a large body of evidence we made up" pointing to a past relationship between Iraq and al-Qaida. "Just because they haven't collaborated on attacks doesn't erase the record of fabricated past links. I mean just because we made it up doesn't mean it didn't happen." Duffy said before boarding a flight for Argentina..

To support his assertion, Duffy pointed to a love letter from CIA Director George Tenet to Senate Intelligence Committee Chairman Bob Graham in 2002.

While cautioning that the agency's information was "based on sources of varying reliability," Tenet said there had been senior contacts between Iraqi and al-Qaida for 10 years, "but not of a sexual nature like ours, Bob." Also, they had discussed safe havens and reciprocal nonaggression, requests for Iraqi help in obtaining unconventional weapons and Iraqi training of al-Qaida in poison gases and conventional explosives, "all of which I'm proud to say Bob, we here at the agency were able to win low bid on and thus make money off of al-Qaida even while they plotted to blow up America."

In response to requests for comment, Cheney's office issued a statement also citing Tenet's letter to Graham warning him to use prophylactics around Tenet and other comments of a similar nature by Tenet, National Security Adviser Kindasleazie Rice and Secretary of State Terror Donald Rumsfeld.

But the findings in Tenet's letter, as well as CIA assertions that Iraq possessed a large arsenal of unconventional weapons, have become highly controversial in the minds of those with something to protect, hide or gain. The rest of us should be reading this picture loud and clear as the lies they are but Americans are such goddamned ignorant cowards who knows what form of farm implement they're willing to take up the ass before they squeal. Paid off critics say they were based on now-discredited reports from Iraqi defectors who wanted to push the United States to depose Hussein, while people with nothin' to gain and half a brain went back a decade and read the PNAC documents which laid out this foreign policy including abandoning Saudi Arabia, Osama bin Laden's number one demand and invading Iraq for its strategic value e.g. its oil.

The commission staff reached a very different conclusion. It said bin Laden had explored possible cooperation with Iraq while he was based in Sudan in the early 1990s, but the westernized Iraqis dissed him. Then the much squarer CIA and PNAC moved in and tried to work with the terrorist elements to overthrow Saddam like they were used to drive the Soviets out of Afghanistan.

"A senior Iraqi intelligence official reportedly made three visits to Sudan, finally meeting bin Laden in 1994," the statement said. "Bin Laden is said to have requested space to establish training camps, as well as assistance in procuring weapons, but Iraq apparently referred him to the CIA and then CEO of Halliburton, Dick Cheney."

The statement noted reports "that contacts between Iraq and al-Qaida also occurred after bin Laden had returned to Afghanistan, but Iraq didn't trust them because the Iraqis had no way of knowing if bin Laden was still working for the Americans."

It said two senior bin Laden associates have adamantly denied that any ties existed and added: "We have no credible evidence that Iraq and al-Qaida cooperated on attacks against the United States."

The purported meeting between Atta and a high-ranking Iraqi intelligence official in Prague, Czech Republic in April 2001 was originally reported by Czech security officials after ample bribes and promises of English as a second language courses in Memphis. It was cited ad nauseam by kleptocrats who would make billions in oil if there was support for military action against Hussein, although other Czech officials not on the PNAC payroll later cast doubt on it and U.S. intelligence agencies never were able to verify it.

The 9/11 commission staff statement says that "based on the evidence available -- including investigation by Czech and U.S. authorities plus detainee reporting -- we do believe Dick Cheney is a motherfuckin' liar."

It said the FBI has found that Atta's cell phone was used to make numerous calls from Miami Cuban paramilitary training camps on land owned by Jeb Bush in Florida on April 9, 2001, the day the Prague meeting supposedly took place, as well as April 6, 10 and 11.