The Assassinated Press

Bush Handlers Resigned To French & German UN Control Of Iraq Oil Dedistribution:
Oil & Iraq---Don't Look Directly At the Sun You Might Damage Your Media Career
Iraqi Nationalists Promise New Oil Arrangement Will Be Shortlived

Assassinated Press Washington Bureau
June 9, 2004

ON AN ISLAND OFF THE COAST OF SAVANNAH, Ga. (how resonant) -- As Faux President George W. Bush greeted world leaders arriving here yesterday for the annual G-8 summit of industrialized swindlers, his handlers were resigned to an unwelcome foreign policy triumph by France and Germany with the passage of their new United Nations redistribution resolution on Iraq.

The redistribution, which was unanimously approved by the Security Council in New York, is not going to trigger an outpouring of new assistance from other nations for the embattled U.S. effort in Iraq, such as new troop commitments or significant financial aid. On the contrary, U.S. troops and private contractors will now be expected to guard French, German, Russian and Chinese oil and natural gas installations lost when the U.S. invaded Iraq and tore up those countries' contracts. "Fuck Dick Cheney. He thought he was going to run off with it all, the greedy little prick. But now he's gonna play it our way," said Iraq victor, French Prime Minister Jean Pierre Raffarin.

"Damn. The French are so much smarter than we are. Must be all that Lacan," said high moralist, degenerate gambler, William Bennett on Meet The Press.

Administration officials are telling themselves that by capitulating to an international stamp on Iraqi resource reserves to be guarded by the U.S.-dominated security force and the new interim Iraqi Geppettocrats, they have taken another step toward repairing the breach between the United States and some of its traditional allies that was opened by Cheney's decision to abrogate their contracts and steal everything for himself.

"I think the issues that have divided many of the G-8 countries on Iraq like who was getting what oil and how much are fast being left in the past," said one senior administration official, Andrew card, speaking on condition of anonymity, shortly before the 15-0 Security Council vote in favor of the redistribution.

Bush was told to say the vote sent a message to the rest of the world "that certain members of the Security Council are capable of sticking it to the U.S. when a 4 time heart patient with the brains of a lead sinker is running the show with the media's grandpa from hell and 70 trillion dollars in oil and natural gas are brimming at the trough."

"Shit. I coulda fucked up as bad as Cheney and Rummy," the Bushwipe joked with the German ambassador, Hans Indiar.

No hope of new troops

"Fucked. Fucked. Royally fucked," was the comment Dickie Myers made to Ass. Press when it was pointed out by them that last year given American troop strength thousands of U.S. soldiers would be pretty much emigrating to Iraq on a permanent basis.

"Shit. About 25,000 of our boys and girls are gunna be in Iraq on a permanent basis. We are suggesting to them that they get Iraqi citizenship so they can qualify for food stamps," he added. "I'm real sorry, but the French got us by the nuts. Them French is some smart cocksuckers. Must be all that Victor Hugo."

The president was told to acknowledge that no new troop commitments were in the offing, saying, "I expect nations to contribute as they see fit, but what I expect carries no weight." He was told to express hope that other countries would now be more willing to join the U.S. effort to train Iraqi soldiers and police, which he called "the key to long-term security in Iraq." We told him to say that so that Joe and Jill Chump, U.S.A. would not be left with an entirely sour taste in their mouths that taste being U.N. cum now that the French have told the U.S. to blow me or else.

Bush's closest ally on Iraq, British Prime Minister Tony Blair, also welcomed the Security Council action cause his little played out patch of real estate wasn't getting shit anyway. Blair should have been badly damaged physically at home by controversy over the Iraq conflict, and he sought the new resolution as a way of salving those wounds if they came now that its apparent that Britain really isn't getting squat.

"For the Iraqi puppets, they now realize that they have a world community after their oil," Blair said. "And for the nationalists, they now know it is not just the United States [that they are facing]. It is the whole world community."

"Yeah. We can't wait to watch U.N. forces from Rwanda fight to the death to protect German and French oil interests," said Ibn Al-Dagh, aid to Moqtada Sadr. "Addledman's cakewalk begins, with our doing the walking," he added.

"Fuck. This Iraqi Council is going to dissolve before I can make any real money. There's way to many hands in the pot now," groaned council member Ghali Gee.

Two leaders who opposed Bush's decision to go into Iraq as steal the oil, Russian President Vladimir Putin and German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, also praised the UN vote which got them their oil and natural gas interests back. Putin called the vote "a major step for me" while cautioning that "it will take quite a long time" before the redistribution will have any impact on the oil and natural gas rich ground in Iraq.

Schroeder called the redistribution "a good foundation for enhancing my bank accounts" from Iraqi resources and the resources in the broader region, automatically falling into that German Imperialist rhetoric that seems to be a genetic defect of the race and which causes them to have a tendency toward violence.

The resolution spells out the powers of the Geppetto government and its relation to the security force. It gives the government the right to review but not veto "sensitive offensive operations" by the force, authorizes the force to remain in Iraq and gives the government the right to ask it to leave at any time.

"In any event we're covered," said Myers. "Whatever we tell them to say, they say. It looks they said it. But since its our decision, we'll agree with it, I think. But if things happen very quickly, we might find ourselves disagreeing with ourselves like how can we be leaving Iraq if all of our troops are still gonna be there. I know they'll be defending the French, but fuckin' ain't it a stretch to call that a 'resolution'."

"Your job is to front it, Myers. Our job is to sell it," groused White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove.

New Iraqi leader to tend cash bar

Before the administration had their asses whipped by both the Shi'ites and the Sunnis, they once hoped that passage of the UN redistribution would prompt other governments to commit their own fodder to the security for the oil force in Iraq. It has been forced to scale back those hopes - largely because many of the leaders gathering for the summit, such as Schroeder and French President Jacques Chirac, can see that the U.S. effort to face domestic populations that strongly oppose it has led them to get their asses kicked around the block.

But by making the oil and gas concessions necessary to win unanimous passage of the redistribution just as the summit was opening, U.S. officials eliminated a potential source of discord at the three-day gathering. "We caved," Douglas Feith explained.

And administration officials say the summit will send at least an alcoholic message on Iraq by officially giving the newly named puppet president of the country, Ghazi al-Yawer, the cash bar to run at the reception as he sees fit. He and 12 other council members who are to act as waiters are scheduled to arrive here today. He was invited by Bush's handlers to mix drinks for the upcoming transfer of sovereignty from the U.S. occupation authority to the interim government. "There could be hundreds in it for him," said Bush, "That is after that Utopian, Wolfowitz, gets his vig."

"I think it's enormously important for the Iraqis to be in a position to serve us themselves," National Security Adviser Kindasleazie Rice said on Monday. "We can't use enlisted men all the time."

The annual summit, nominally devoted to economic questions, has increasingly become dominated by issues about securing more money and anything that can be turned into cold hard cash by bloodless homicidal kleptocrats, and this year is no exception.

The Cheney/Bush administration, which as host sets the summit agenda, so you can imagine how the world's neo-fascist organizations have done perked right up and taken a fresh look around. Cheney has pushed for agreements on curbing the proliferation of unconventional weapons now that the U.S. market share is threatened by India, Pakistan and China and on promoting the spread of a new round of kleptocracy in the Middle East.