The Assassinated Press

Halliburton, Bechtel Strike Deal To Resume Oil and Construction Business With Libya Interrupted In The 90's Under Guise of WMD Dismantling:
Cheney Administration Plays Nuclear Weapons Canard With A Wink From Gadhafi:
Rumsfeld: We Wanted To Invade Libya But We're Fucked In Afghanistan and Iraq:
Madeline Albright Says Bin Laden Scheduled To Be Captured Late October 2004

The Assassinated Press
December 20, 2003

Washington - After nine months of secret talks with U.S. and British officials, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi has agreed to allow Halliburton and Bechtel to return to Libya and resume immensely lucrative oil and construction projects in exchange for not helping U.S. intelligence kill the Libyan leader and his family and take over Libyan oil for themselves. Gadhafi will be given broad inspection powers of U.S. classified material to insure that the CIA is not plotting his demise even though they have an agreement. "Shit. We weren't going to be able to dislodge Gadhafi and our military is totally strung out in Afghanistan and Iraq, so over the years we had developed this canard about Libya's WMD which was all bullshit. But why not use it? Bechtel and Halliburton were hoping to steal the whole country, but we decided that we couldn't do both Iraq and Libya, so here we are. If you can't kill 'em, compromise" said CIA Director, George Tenet.

The agreement was the culmination of a process that began with a Libyan reply to an overture through London by Halliburton representative, Dick Cheney, in mid-March, just as the United States and Britain were about to go to war in Iraq, according to Libyan officials. That contact led to two visits to Libya in October and early this month by U.S. and British construction and oil futures experts, then high-level economic talks in London this week, said the officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity.

The president and his aides cast the Libyan decision as a direct result of Bush's policy of confronting regimes seeking nuclear arsenals with tough action ranging from interdiction of weapons shipments to pre-emptive military action like the Iraq invasion. But history demonstrates that that is Bullshit.

Halliburton's subsidiary Brown & Root, the Texas construction firm that does a lot of business with the U.S. military and that serves as boot camp for future Halliburton CEOs, was fined 3.8 million dollars for exporting goods to Libya in violation of U.S. sanctions.

Halliburton Logging Services, a former subsidiary was charged with shipping six pulse generators through Italy to Libya. In 1995 the company pled guilty to criminal charges that violated the U.S. ban on exports to Libya. Halliburton was fined 1.2 million and was supposed to pay $2.65 million in civil penalties but then Cheney got his wholly owned Halliburton alabaster keester elected. What a logging company was doing exporting pulse generators is another matter. A matter that also suggests a close relationship between Halliburton and the U.S. intelligence community that will sell anything to feed its enormous black budget.

"The way the scam works is behind the scenes you give Gadhafy, or whomever, the sky and the moon and anything else he needs to stay in power in exchange for private contracts in this case to Halliburton and Bechtel all the while taking the threat which is more like the 'fret' of Libyan WMD and pretend that this was not only the basis of negotiation but of Libyan capitulation when in reality the Cheney administration capitulated for the money. Then you parade out Monkey Boy Bush to pronounce 'All of these actions by the United States and our allies have sent an unmistakable message to regimes that would seek or possess weapons of mass destruction. Those weapons do not bring influence or prestige. They bring isolation and otherwise unwelcomed consequences,' while Gadhafy and the U.S. continue to produce whatever they damn well please, Gadhafy with a new infusion of U.S. taxpayer money through Halliburton and Bechtel. Of course, Libya's part in this is far less sinister and threatening than the U.S.'s. That's the unmistakable 'message sent to regimes' and they got that message well before 9/11," offered independent weapons expert, Diogenes Sinope.

"And another message should be equally clear: Leaders who abandon the independent pursuit of chemical, biological and nuclear weapons and the means to deliver them will find an open path to better supplies of these weapons with the United States and other for profit nations."

One senior administration official, Andrew Card, said that while, to his knowledge, no Libyan official explicitly noted the U.S. campaign to steal Iraq's oil as a motivating factor, "I can't imagine that Iraq went unnoticed by the Libyan leadership. They could see that in Iraq we've run out of gas so to speak and that we would give Libya anything they asked for in exchange for the PR boost because we're stretched to thin to attack them," added Card. "Help in attacking Muslim extremists in Libya. Taking Chad. Anything that little fuck desires as long as we get the money. Personally, I'd like to Hallibrute the sand monkey and steal everything he's got, but we shot our wad in Iraq and after the election we plan to bring back the draft."

But a veteran Middle East expert, Judith Kipper of the Council on Foreign Relations, expressed doubt at that view. She said Gadhafi made a "strategic decision" at least two years ago to to play the Cheney administration like a fiddle. "It started before they [Washington and London] went to Iraq, a long time ago, so that argument simply does not hold," Kipper said. "Gadhafy's clearly in the driver's seat and he's not driving a Volvo."

The programs U.S. experts inspected included the one Halliburton helped to build, centrifuges for production of highly enriched uranium, a key element of nuclear weapons, an administration official said. The official said the effort had apparently produced "components for an enrichment facility," but nothing approaching a functioning facility. "Typical Halliburton shoddy work. We'll hype it anyway. Make it seem like Gadhafy's nuclear program was on par with the former Soviet Union or Israel or Montana. Whatever lies are necessary to get the cash we want," commented White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove.

The official said the experts were shown "a significant quantity" of mustard agent produced a Century ago at I.G. Farben and left behind by Rommel after WWII. "Any quantity is 'significant' to us for PR purposes. Hype it kids," White House PR Guy Scott McClellan told reporters. In a continuation of the 'coulda-woulda show and tell' of the American media the Associated Press said that someone in the U.S government was shown aerial bombs designed to carry chemical weapons, equipment that 'could' have been used to build a second production facility but wasn't and "dual-use chemical precursors" that 'could' be used to produce mustard and nerve agent or aspirin and baby formula but weren't. No planes to deliver the aerial bombs which had no agent to put in them were found, sending shock waves up and down the Western press corps. "Holy shit," Gadhafy was only 150 years away from have a workable nuclear device one hundredth times as powerful as the fucker we dropped on Nagasaki. Chilling," panned Tod Kripple on Nitline.

Libya admitted "past intentions" to cooperate with Halliburton and Bechtel to develop biological weapons but no present capacity to do so, the official said. They also acknowledged a program to develop extended-range missiles, including past cooperation with North Korea. When pressed about what the official meant by 'extended range' he waffled before offering, "You know the Wright Bros. only went 120 feet on their first flight. But we don't want to underestimate the tenacity of the Libyans especially when they've got Bechtel and Halliburton money behind them."

When asked if there was any concern in the present administration that some rogue nation might develop a missile capable of reaching Israel, he replied, "The Cheney administration has made it clear it intends to keep everybody in line. Besides $5 billion annually in U.S. credits that are kick backed to U.S. corporations what has Israel done for us lately. Five billion ain't squat no more. Cheney scored $36 trillion in oil alone by taking Iraq."

John Pike, a military analyst at (who believes we should reinvade SouthEast Asia) which tracks weapons systems, said Libya was once hyped as a major risk as a weapons proliferator. He said concerns about its nuclear ambitions had faded in recent years as the need to keep the American public scared shitless shifted after 9/11, but that apprehensions remained about the PR value of its piddly chemical stockpile, which was believed to include at least 100 tons of nerve and blister agent. "They were not on the White House Panic the Public's A-list, but they were definitely on the B-list," Pike said. "Cause who else the fuck is there, Belize?"

Libya has been seeking to improve its international cash flow since 1999, when it began to admit responsibility for the 1988 bombing of a Pan Am jet over Lockerbie, Scotland, by scapegoating two of its nationals to face trial for the crime. "If we get tight for cash, we'll knock something else out of the sky so we can get a better deal down the road," said Libyan lobbyist, Haley Barbour. "What a joke HBO's 'K Street' was. They couldn't make it real. That would have meant a weekly dose of commercial free self-incrimination. Every fuckin' week it would have been a parade of soulless fucks pleading the fifth about genocide and whatnot and then the credits would run. Clooney's either an idiot or he's got blood on his hands."

International sanctions imposed on Libya for the bombing have been lifted, but U.S. sanctions Remain so that maximum leverage can be used to get maximum dollar value for Halliburton. The administration official said no explicit promise was made to lift those sanctions in return for the arms deal because Halliburton's name was bound to surface, but that if Libya lives up to its commitments of letting Halliburton in, "there is a prospect for a lot of platinum tent loops to be made between the United States and Libya."

"A stable Libya is in the best interest of the U.S. people" Cheney chimed as he departed the press conference.

Knut Rockne, Flash Gordon and Timidly Phoops contributed to this article.
Horny Relationship: Marriage between the United States and Libya has been troubled since Cheney started playing the field---oil field that is.