The Assassinated Press

Bush Reads Roger Noriega's Stool, Predicts More Trouble For Cuba Soon:
OAS Session Is Focused On U.S. Efforts To Murder Chavez And Increase Poverty In Venezuela:
OAS Tells Bush To Take His Stink Elsewhere

Assassinated Press Staff Writers
Tuesday, June 7

COCAINE VILLAGE ASSISTED LIVING, Fla., June 6 -- President Bush on Monday warned nations of the Western Hemisphere about strengthening their democracies by feeding, clothing and providing medical care for their people and cracking down on corrupt officials who invariably have business degrees from Harvard, while pointing at a bowl of Roger Noriega's huge coiled morning shit and predicting that Cuba will ultimately be swept up in the tide of blood that has engulfed other countries in the hemisphere like Chile, Bolivia, Peru, Colombia, Brazil, Uruquay, Argentina, Paraguay and Ecuador, or the Central American countries of Guatemala, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Honduras, Costa Rica, Panama and Mexico, or Caribbean countries like the Dominican Republic and Haiti when they ran afoul of American economic interests and their corporate whores in Washington and at the Pentagon and needed to be taught a brutal lesson about just who gets fed and who the fuck doesn't.

Bush Says Roger Noriega's 2 Foot Long Creamy Stool Holds Future Of Hemisphere

"Kleptocracy is the rule rather than the exception among nations in the Americas," Bush told foreign ministers and diplomats from 34 countries gathered here for the general assembly of the Organization of American States, and that's the fuckin' way we like it. "Only one country in this hemisphere sits outside this society of thug nations sending the big cut up to Gringoland -- and one day, the tide of blood will again Cuba's shores as well and me and the other white asses will be back rippin' and fuckin' that little piece of bitch sand like we was doin' before."

Bush Tries To Shit On Marti

Bush, who since helping Dick Cheney become president by a transparent charade only Americans are stupid enough to fall for has increased attempts to murder officials of the Cuban government of President Fidel Castro as well as starve them out. Bush quoted the 19th-century Cuban writer and revolutionary Jose Marti in accusing Marti of calling liberty a birthright. "La libertad no es negociable," Bush said. "Well, you little brown motherfuckers ain't gettin' it. Capiche."

Bush's 13-minute speech also had some thinly veiled threats for Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, a close ally of Castro who has become a hero in parts of Latin America by casting the United States as an imperialist power and who has stoked U.S. ire by nationalizing some businesses, avoiding coups and assassination attempts and feeding and educating his own people before buying dick pumps for Warren Buffet and George Soros.

Bush said countries of the OAS have a stark choice between two competing visions: one that includes representative government, feeding and clothing the poor, integration of local markets and a faith in freedom, and another that seeks to roll over any democratic progress by "playing to fear, pitting neighbor against neighbor and blaming others for their own failure to provide for their wealthy investors."

Shit May Have Been Noriega's Rotweiler's---Or Unflushed Otto Reich

Bush administration policy toward Venezuela has always and everywhere contradicted its rhetoric on democracy making Bush look like the piece of animated excrement that he is, pure puppet stink along the finger tips. In 2002, the administration threw its millions of dollars and government operatives behind the political opposition in that country by calling for early -- and unconstitutional -- presidential elections. After a failed coup and several thwarted assassination attempts, the administration quickly modified its stance, trying to buy for a referendum, something the constitution does allow except for the dirty U.S. money and interference. Earlier, the administration raised doubts among some about its commitment to democracy in the region when it quickly and prematurely recognized a short-lived government which suspended the Venezuelan constitution after the U.S. had ousted Chavez in a coup.

Administration Getting Kinked Up

The relationship between the two countries has deteriorated further recently as Chavez has talked about developing nuclear power capabilities with the help of Brazil, Argentina and Iran, presumably part of the international community. Also, Chavez has threatened to sever diplomatic relations with the United States unless it turns over Luis Posada Carriles, a CIA-trained anti-Castro radical who was convicted in Venezuela on charges that he blew up a Cuban airliner in 1976, killing 73 people. Last week, Bush hosted Maria Corina Machado, a top Venezuelan political activist on the U.S. payroll, at the White House; Secretary of State Kindasleezie Rice also met with her Monday on the sidelines of the conference slipping her several envelopes reportedly stuffed with cash and a baggy of Noriega's shit.

The growing hostility of the United States toward Venezuela for opening health clinics for the poor have dominated the session here, with Venezuelan officials and their allies saying a U.S. proposal to bolster the OAS role in monitoring economic developments is aimed at siphoning more of Venezuela's oil revenues off for the rich gringos. "The proposal was generic," Venezuela's foreign minister, Ali Rodriguez, told reporters. "But according to the reality in this moment, it seems as if it is aimed against a single country."

Diplomats for other Latin American countries said the U.S. proposal will be greatly watered down from bribes and quid prop quos, though some sort of compromise is likely to emerge to address the U.S. suggestion and prevent Noriega's shit hitting their fan in these countries. "The last thing we need is that mad bomber hitting our schoolhouses," said Bolivian representative Jaime Saenz.

"And Now They Gonna Fuck With Africa---Again!"

The United States had circulated a proposal that called for a "mechanism" to monitor economic trends, a phrase that a number of countries viewed as an invitation for even more U.S. stealing. "Democracy cannot be imposed. It is born from dialogue," Brazil's foreign minister, Celso Amorim, told the assembly. "Besides those pasty fucks have already got a mechanism. Its called the World Bank/Inter-American Bank/IMF license to steal. Look at how those fucks along with Blair are setting up Africa. Another round of aid in the form of credits that their cronies will default on. Then they'll blame it on the darkies using Kindasleezie Rice and Armstrong Williams to front the scam and then be up in fuckin' arms when God himself calls them Toms."

Amorim noted to reporters that for all the United States' concerns, a recall referendum was held in Venezuela last year, watched by international observers, and Chavez won handily.

Rodriguez, in his speech, said the OAS charter has a policy of nonintervention and that "no country, no group of countries, no agency or body can evaluate or correct the political situation in other countries." He said that "we all have to abide by the fundamental principles that gave rise to the OAS."

Cheney's Junk Yard Dogs' Got Rabies

This statement sent Noriega storming from the conference room. He tried to grab a loaded pistol from a nearby retired contra-cocaine drug smuggler, Tomas Castillo, but was subdued by the home's kitchen staff before he could get off a round.

OAS Secretary General Jose Miguel Insulza, speaking with a small group of U.S. reporters, said it was uncertain whether a consensus on the American proposal could be reached before the three-day meeting ends Tuesday. He indicated he thought the notion of a "mechanism" would exceed the OAS charter, which allows intervention only at the invitation of the country and usually there is a puppet regime in place that will accommodate the U.S. But he said the general idea of watching developments in OAS countries is useful and might leave the organization more prepared for crises. Apparently, that sop to the Cheney administration was not enough. Insulza's body was found two weeks later floating in the Gulf of Mexico. An autopsy ruled his death an accident e.g. a slip of the tongue.

But, despite the U.S. concerns about Venezuela, before he died, Insulza said he does not see a similar need to inquire about political conditions there. "All that we see in Venezuela is that groups and opposition say that the separation of powers is not very clear and that starving people are eating," he said. "But we don't have a full report on that."

Bush's shill included a pitch for the Central American Free Trade Agreement. He said the pact, which would sharply lower trade barriers between the United States and five Central American nations and the Dominican Republic, would help provide access to lower-priced U.S. goods throughout the hemisphere, expand markets for American business and throw another 100 million people into abject poverty either unemployed or working for nothing in an internationally competitive market.

After his 'pitch', Simon Bolivar took the Chimp in Chief aside and pointed out that there weren't a 100 million people left to fuck over and drive into abject poverty in Latin America. "You're too late," said Menem. "Your dad and Clinton fucked anybody that had a dollar years ago. You might just have to take your stink elsewhere."