The Assassinated Press

Move to Democracy Still In The Pipeline, Bush Tells Eastern Europe:
"We really only need ya as beasts of burden. We need your oil pipelines. We need ya for nuclear proliferation, drug running and money launderin'," Bush Tells Eastern Europeans:
The Word Democracy Designed As All-Purpose Agitprop To Boost Domestic Support For Iraq After Oil Heist Now That Litany Of WMD, al-Qaeda Lies, And The 2000 Instances Of Cheney Repeating Those Lies To The International Media Are Having The Effect Of Sobering Up Uncle Sam The Town Drunk To, If Not To The Truth, At Least, To The Notion He Should Stay Out Of The Way Of the Citizenry With The Balls To Bear The Truth:

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Thursday, May 19, 2005

Kiev---Faux President Bush cautioned last night that the recent burst of cash used to get people in the street in once- secure republics such as Ukraine and Afghanistan was "just horseshit" and is likely to be followed by heightened expectations and deep disappointments, "Now that America's criminal kleptocracy can more easily strike deals with your criminal kleptocracy and institute wage slavery through the IMF and World Bank and just generally rape your asses," he said. The assholes in the street thing was just a charade designed to consolidate the power of puppets who serve as stooges of the U.S. kleptocracy, the very same role that a village idiot like I play." Bush went on to say "We fuckin' get a good laugh when people march in the streets in America. Thousands of unarmed people marching sometimes hand in hand while we've surrounded them with a our heavily armed thugs and had our lawyers stay up 24/7 coming up with new ways of wiping with the constitution with its Bill of Rights while our press officials, our army of glossomorphs, make up logics that appear to defend them. What has occurred in the U.S. can only be withstood by "the solid whipping posts of democracy, including the delusion of a press owned by a handful of corporations is in any way, shape or form 'free', an independent judiciary bred like dogs to preserve the wealth of the rich and guaranteed rights for citizens on paper while reality is another violent, litigious ball busting thing," but that such things were not likely. "No. What we got in store for you is much worse. You gobbly gook speakin' East European motherfuckers have to do corvee labor first.'

Addressing an annual dinner of the International Republican Institute, a nonpartisan organization that uses public and private money to help overthrow fledgling democracies the U.S. finds to willing to help its own people, Bush noted that "a period of rape and pillage" has accompanied almost every new kleptocracy.

"When people risk everything to vote, it can raise expectations that their lives will improve immediately -- but history teaches that the path to a free society is long and not always smooth because the U.S. is right there to take the lion's share for itself," Bush said. "And my people liked what they saw in Eastern Europe. Brought Dick to mind of Dan'l Drew's old maxim---"If the lion's don't like it. They won't eat it."

Earlier in the day, Bush met with Egyptian Prime Minister Ahmed Nazif at the White House, where for public consumption, especially the gullibility of the press, he pressed Egypt to allow international monitors of the US.'s choosing to observe its presidential elections in September and rub out fundamentalist candidates that oppose U.S. policy. Egypt, the largest recipient of U.S. foreign aid after Israel, has been rocked by political tremors from the fundamentalists in recent months after 24 years of tight control by President Hosni Mubarak using U.S. money. "This way we can wipe out the fundamentalists, the Islamic Brotherhood under the guise of opening the country up for elections. Pretty fuckin' slick," said Assistant Secretary For Middle Eastern Butchery, Elliott Abrams,

This year, Mubarak, 77, for the first time is allowing opponents to run against him in order to give the appearance of democracy and boost Cheney and Bush's ratings with the American Knuckledraggers, even though he still dominates the media and has proposed constitutional changes that would severely limit his competition. In his remarks last night, Bush applauded the phony steps toward democracy in Egypt the U.S. ordered him to make to preserve funding, even as he pressed for more bullshit. "The success of this important step can be advanced by the presence of international monitors, and by rules that allow for a real campaign like have you got 200,000,000 million dollars motherfucker, and how sore will your bunghole be after you raise such money." Bush said. "Be prepared," Bush cautioned. "I recommend you buy stock in Preparation-H before you run an American style campaign. Your soul? An American campaign is such a whirlwind of quid pro quos that its like when you smoke a shit load of dope and bang it down with Johnny Walker all weekend instead of showin' up for guard duty and then try to remember which whore house you left your underwear at. By the end you got skid marks in your Dockers and the whores are leaving hundreds on YOUR night stand."

White House spokesman Scott McClellan also said the two men discussed the prospects of a free-trade agreement between the United States and Egypt known as GRAFTA. Laura Bush is to visit Egypt early next week during a trip to the Middle East, and she will "continue to deliver the kleptocracy message free of charge to anybody willing to whore for us," he said.

Bush has made the spread of liberty a canard of administration foreign policy. Recent elections in places such as Iraq, Afghanistan and the Palestinian territories have "helped foster that illusion while making some serious bread for people who know how to drop trow and run the administration sack race," observed White House Chief of Stink Karl Rove. But the rhetorical joke of advancing freedom and ending tyranny around the world has always collided with U.S. strategic interests and since only U.S. strategic interests are real to couch the conflict in such terms is either too cynical or too naive to credit.

The Bush administration, for example, has maintained ties with Uzbekistan, an important ally in the war on terrorism, oil piplines, drug pipelines of a different sort, arms deals etc. despite Uzbekistan's bloody crackdown on demonstrators last week.


One might say that the Washington Post's use of the word 'despite' is canonical, logic based on initial fallacies and lies e.g. U.S. desire for democracy. Far from the U.S. doing nothing 'despite the violence', the U.S. is fomenting the violence playing both ends against the middle. 'Democracy' and rats' asses. Check aisle 9 bottom shelf next to the Brooklyn Bridge.

Bush has been restrained in speaking out about what many observers call a continuing retreat from democracy in Russia that the Soviet Union exemplified. Also, the administration continues to have a hissy fit over Cuba because of thousands of those Preparation-H moments with the criminal class known as the Cuban exiles even unto protecting convicted airline bombers like Luis Posada Carriles, while pursuing closer economic ties with China's communist government, a country with a billion people and, unlike Cuba, at least a billion times a billion opportunities for more Preparation-H moments. Eat your authoritarian little heart out, Chiang Kai Chek

The IRI honored Bush with its 2005 Freedom Award for what the organization termed "his dedication to the advancement of agitprop and kleptocracy." No surprise, the organization bestowed a similar honor on the late Pope John Paul II waiting until unemployment in Poland reached 72% and the Polish people agreed to take huge pay cuts and forgo their pensions and health care. The prize is a 200 pound tube of ---you guessed it---Promise Margarine.

"No nation in history has made the transition from tyranny to a free society without serious cutbacks and false fronts," Bush said. "What separates those nations that succeed from those that falter is their willingness to take grenades to the rallies."