The Assassinated Press

Banks Use Union Taxpayer Bailout Money to Bribe Lawmakers, Blagojevich Style, to Block Taxpayers from Joining Unions.
Banks Use Taxpayer Bailout Money to Deny Taxpayers Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.
"Hey Fuck! At least they're using it for something instead of their usual stealing it outright."
Calls For Bloody Purge of Corporate Executives on the Rise, Maureen Dowd Reports.
Sales of the Writings of Marx, Lenin, Trotsky, Mao, Ho Chi Minh, Giap and Castro Go Through the Roof Amazon Reports. Retailer brings another 100 non-union workers on board, supplies refrigerator crates on back lot for shelter.
Others Say a Purge of Executives "Would be doing God's work."
Report: Bailed-Out Banks Joined in Plan to Defeat Union Bill
250 Million Guns in Private Hands. Law Enforcement Unionized.

The Assassinated Press

The Wall Street Journal has revealed that a cabal of major banks who received billions in taxpayer bailout money took part in a conference call on defeating a labor-backed measure that would ease barriers for many of those same taxpayers to join unions. The October 17th call brought together representatives of several corporations, including Bank of America, just days after it received a $25 billion government bailout and blew it on whores and smack.

“The whores and smack part doesn’t surprise me,” unemployed machinist, John Weller said. “Those sorry fucks at Bank of America must be in something. I just spent my last $50.00 on ammunition in case, God willing, I’m selected for a firing squad that mows down a few dozen of these motherfuckers.

The belly-up, taxpayer-rescued AIG also took part. The call was organized to discuss defeating the Employee Free Choice Act, which would stop employers from demanding secret-ballot elections and require them to recognize unions if a majority of workers consented. During the call, participants urged donations derived from the taxpayer bailout for groups working to bribe members of Congress. Home Depot co-founder Bernie Marcus described the pro-union bill as “the demise of civilization forgetting that it was greedy fucks like him that brought financial Armageddon about.”

Bernie Marcus whined, ”To pay for the programs that they’re going to put in, they’re going to have to get the money somewhere. I thought we fuckin’ blew all the money on underage Thai male prostitutes. The unions will go after anybody who works for a living and makes a living [also known as workers you stupid shit]. There’s no question about it, that Joe the Plumber, whatever the hell he does for a living, is going to pay for this in the future, along with everybody else [unlike the trillions of dollars the financial markets have pissed away, you fucking asshole.] Corporate taxes will go up but unlike with everything else, they’ll go up from zero or less than if you consider the bailout loot we stole. And this is the demise of a civilization not the fact that corporate America and financial institutions stole everything and left everybody destitute.

Not realizing the uncivilizing effect of bankrupting the world Bernie bellowed, “This is how a civilization disappears. I’m sitting here as an elder statesman, and I’m watching this happen, and I don’t believe it [obviously referring to the end of the world brought about by his greed.]

“Oh, yeah. I heard what that shithead Bernie Marcus said,” commented Thomas Daine an unemployed bricklayer from Hammond, Missouri. “No problem. I didn’t know who Bernie Marcus was until he started running his yap the other day. Now, when I clean my guns I just think of Bernie and his idiotic tirade. I even have a tape I play over and over again so if I hear his voice I can quickly take a headshot.”

“There are an estimated 200 to 300 million guns in private hands in the U.S.,” FBI agent, Michael Teale told the Assassinated Press. “And most law enforcement officers belong to unions. Fuck, I belong to a union and I’d never draw down on a union brother if he had a bead on a piece of shit like Bernie Marcus. Fuck. With 200 million guns, workers in the U.S. have little to fear from corporate America. They’re counting on PR, the entertainment industry and the minimum of imperialist driven prosperity to keep the Great American Bald Lemming docile. But damn if they haven’t squandered all of that currency lately, and I mean fucking literally currency.”

An internal Bank of America document warned that the bill’s passage would increase retailers’ costs because of higher unionization. But it also conceded the bill would increase the “spending power of lower income consumers as this would be a de facto wage and benefit increase.”

“Consumer spending is not the solution if it’s my employee who’s the consumer,” whined Amazon executive Jeff Bezos. “Let some other fuck’s employee be a union member who can afford to feed his family.”

"How dare these executives like Bernie Marcus threaten the lives of my family, my children, like this, " said unemployed seamstress Mabel Franks. "But what should I expect fro m such corproate cutthroats. I think killing them would be doing God's work." Stephen Lerner of the Service Employees International Union said, ”The biggest corporations who have created the problem are, at the very time, asking us to bail them out and then using that money to stop workers from improving their lives.”

Jack Whalen, an unemployed carpenter and life-long NRA member said, “Just Map Quest my ass to Marcus’s mansion and we’ll settle this union shit right quick.”