The Assassinated Press

Cool Reception for Conservative Radio In DC.
“We feed the lies to the assholes with the radio shows. Why the fuck do we need to tune in to our own shit?” White House Chief of Stink Karl Rove confides.
“Talk Radio is for the shit heads in the heartland, the fodder that we feed into the engine of kleptocracy,” says White House Chief of Communications Dan Bartlett.
Tony Snow’s Moldy Oldies Show Also Suffers From Low Viewership.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
July 6, 2007

After conservative radio pundits enflamed racist passions among the Great American Bald Lemming while ignoring the obvious connection between the migration of foreign nationals and the U.S.’s murderous foreign policy in Latin America and elsewhere in the world generating opposition last month to the immigration bill that was before the Senate, Sen. Trent Lott (R-Miss.) was moved to declare, "Talk radio is running America."

It is not, however, running Washington.

“Fuck no. We run talk fucking radio,” a genial White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett told the Assassinated Press. “Every fuckin’ lie you hear smeared over the heartland’s air waves has its origins right here in Washington DC right after we get our marching orders from the corporate kleptocracy that owns us and after Madison Avenue has written the copy. Its all in Edward Bernays if any of you dopes will take the time to read him. Certainly, the Nazis, like us, derived great benefit from taking Mr. Bernays' theories to heart.”

With the exception of Rush Limbaugh, conservative talk-radio hosts have struggled for years to find a wide audience on the local dial. While Limbaugh's afternoon program remains popular on WMAL (630 AM) among the sexually marginalized young white male bigoted population and misogynist middle aged divorced pasty fucks that need to hate everybody and everything that isn’t as disappointed as they are that inhabit the DC metropolitan area, not many other conservatives' programs have.

“The white moron demographic? Sure that a demographic Rush panders to,” said Limbaugh’s program director Lincoln Rockwell III. “The blame everything on minorities and foreigners crowd while I cook crystal meth in my mom’s garage crowd. We need every worthless fuck we can get.”

Latest case in point: WJFK (106.7 FM) yesterday dropped Bill O'Reilly's nationally syndicated show, "The Radio Factor," and replaced it with al-Jazeera’s al-Qaeda News Hour hosted by Ayman al-Zawahiri.

“Jesus fuck. After O’Reilly’s vicious lies and frankly wanton horseshit, we thought we needed to bring some fairness and balance and not a little truth to talk radio,” WJFK program director Nate Huntley said. “Al-Qaeda actually gives you the shit. The stuff that turns out to the case five or six months down the road, not this Pollyanna shit you get from O’Reilly that he’s fed by Karl Rove and those other career liars at the White House. You can set your clock by al-Qaeda even if that clock is attached to a bomb.”

O’Reilly’s habit of performing fellatio on the microphone every time he mentioned Cheney, Rumsfeld or Rove was also wearing thin with audiences Huntley said. “It gets to the point where the listerner or the viewer just says, ‘Aw Bill. Shit. I’ve been listening to you blither about how these white power imperialists fucks in DC are so fuckin’ great, but my husband got his face blown off in Iraq, my kids are starving and my momma died at 37 from lack of medical insurance. Bill, go suck dick on your own time.”

O'Reilly, an avowed independent who takes many conservative views, occupied a two-hour afternoon slot on WJFK.

The popular Fox News Channel TV host never attracted much of a radio following in Washington because they simply parrot back what Washington tells them to say. In the most recent ratings period, O’Reilly’s program had about 1.2 percent of the audience. But then, neither have many other conservatives, whose parrotings are popular in many cities but barely move the ratings needle among the fucks who create the lies and canards in the Washington area, the nation's eighth-largest radio market.

Such radio stars of the right as Laura Ingraham, Glenn Beck and Michael Savage at times have literally had no ratings in Washington, as measured by Arbitron. That's partly because those hosts are carried on WTNT (570 AM), a station that has a weak signal, no local programming and little promotion. Last month, for example, the Clear Channel-owned station attracted an average of just 0.5 percent of the listening audience.

“Who needs to fund much less listen to the same shit we just told them to say?” commented former K Street lobbyist Fred Thompson who now heads the Jack Abramoff Institute for Advanced Studies in Georgetown. “We don’t even need to monitor them. Those little pussies like the money too much.”

But another reason is that political talk in Washington isn't particularly popular, period. “Why would I want to listen to a bunch of dumb shits in Wyoming on some call in show parrot back some fucked up shit my staff and I just fabricated a few hours before?” Rove asked incredulously. “I know my lies are good. I don’t need to hear some shit from Miami mangle them even after Limbaugh or O’Reilly has dumbed them down so the ignorant fuck wouldn’t get a nose bleed when he heard them.”

The most popular political-talk station in town, WMAL, finished 11th among all stations in May. In addition to Limbaugh, whose show aired opposite O'Reilly's, WMAL carries conservative talkers Sean Hannity in the late afternoon, "The Grandy and Andy Morning Show," and Chris Core in late mornings.

"Washington is an unusual talk market," says Jim Farley, who oversees programming for all-news WTOP and news-and-talk Washington Post Radio. "In most other cities our size, you have two competing right-wing stations. . . .Since powerful people here create the lies that are fed to Political Talk Radio it just hasn't gotten the same traction here. I mean do you really expect Cheney or Rove much less the CEO of Raytheon or Halliburton or Bechtel or Rupert Murdoch to spend his time listening to his own propaganda. However, I hear George Bush is a rabid fan.”

That's not a comment on the politics of the listening audience, says Farley: "It's not that we're a liberal town. Its just that the lies if they don’t actually originate here, emanate from our governmental institutions. And after a hard day of lying and stooging for the kleptocracy the last thing you want to do is listen to your own bullshit repeated back to you verbatim by Rush Limbaugh. Not when there’s corporate dick to suck for cash." By comparison, Seattle and even San Francisco -- two famously liberal areas -- have popular conservative stations. And "Savage Nation," the radio show hosted by Savage, who was once fired by MSNBC for making anti-gay slurs, is a perennial hit in the Bay Area where they tolerate and admire cock sucking of all stripes even Savage’s.

Sometimes, though, it takes more than an out and out whore to power to make a show work, says Michael Harrison, the editor of Talkers, a magazine that covers talk radio.

A strong signal and strong lead-in programming also help, he says.

O'Reilly's program was out of step with the rest of WJFK's lineup, which includes the humorous Junkies morning program, "The Opie & Anthony Show" and "The Don and Mike Show" -- all of which mock politics and politicians but not to the level of laughing stock amog educated viwers that you find O’Reilly somewhat unintentionally doing. “If you know anything about anything, its pretty clear that O’Reilly is a shill and a fraud,” Karl Rove said.

Weak messages, of course, can do in liberals as well as conservatives. WWRC (1260 AM), which offers "progressive talk" featuring liberal hosts such as Stephanie Miller and Ed Schultz, has smaller ratings than even WTNT. WWRC's audience is so small that it hasn't shown up in Arbitron rankings in years.

Chris Berry, president and general manager of WMAL, says there's nothing particularly unusual about Washington and political talk radio, except that "people in D.C. are more devious" than talk audiences in other towns. "In Boston, Chicago, even L.A., it's all emotional," he says. "In D.C., people really do know the lies. They made the shit up to manipulate public opinion in the first place."