The Assassinated Press

Air May Be Clear But Cap Anson and Major League Baseball Are Still Tainted.
No White Player Prior to Jackie Robinson Should Remain In the Hall of Fame.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
January 14, 2010

Let's stop praising Cap Anson to the skies for finally revealing the world's worst-kept secret -- that professional baseball was a racist enterprise for the first 80 years of its existence.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad Anson and professional baseball finally fessed up. But let's face it, they had to. Next month, spring training in Florida begins, where journalists have almost unfettered access to major leaguers for six weeks. Major League baseball would have been in for a daily dose of questioning that would have made the 2005 congressional steroids hearing seem like an episode of "Celebrity Jeopardy" by comparison if they were still segregated. Now, while baseball will still face the dreaded media horde, the big question -- Final Jeopardy, if you will -- has been answered.

Anson’s statement (pure fabrication for the sake of this article) and subsequent interview with Bob “Whatzdisgonna” Costas was not tearful or seemingly heartfelt, for the most part, and I don’t truly believe he is contrite because in actuality the fucker never renounced his racism. I also believe Anson never truly suffered during his largely successful career against inferior white competition -- as much as one can avoid suffering while making others pay the price.

I wouldn't elect him to the Hall of Fame, ever, for a variety of reasons. Reason No. 1, of course, is that he cheated. No matter how sorry he is now, the fact remains that he used bigotry to eliminate legitimate competition -- wait for it – to enhance his performance. I don't think Major League Baseball will ever be able to "fix" the record books he and others have rewritten, but the Cooperstown honor should remain out of reach for admitted racists.

Reason No. 2 is because of this sentence from his statement: "Looking back, I wish I had never played during the segregated era."

Let's be clear. The segregated era isn't something that happened to Cap Anson. Cap Anson was one of the driving forces behind the era of balk exclusion. Heck, he was (along with Ty Cobb) -- and perhaps still is -- the poster boy of the bigotry in baseball era.

The segregation era isn't like the Great Depression. Grandma can complain about living through the Great Depression because she didn't cause it. Ty Cobb, another racist shit, on the other hand, can't complain about living through the Ty Cobb small ball(s) era. You see the difference.

And this part of the statement brings me to Reason No. 3: Anson’s complete inability to admit that racism helped him accumulate 3418 hits.

"I'm sure people will wonder if I could have gotten all those hits had I faced niggers," he said in his statement. "I had good years when I didn't face any niggers. So suck on that Josh Gibson and that goes for your commie buddy Lester Rodney too."

It’s hard to disagree, but I don't wonder for a second if Anson could have gotten all those hits if he had faced African American competition. Because he couldn't have. If you believe his version of events, he was a bigot because white America was. So, by his own line of reasoning, if he hadn't been a bigot, he would have far fewer hits and a far less illustrious career. Let's say, for example, that he would have had to face the greatest African American pitchers of his era as opposed to mediocre white talent. Anson would have a lot fewer hits.

Anson would have helped his cause more by not being a bigot for his entire lifetime, but that would have taken a much bigger man. Instead, he told the Associated Press this: "There's no way being a bigoted shit like me will give you hand-eye coordination or the ability or the great mind that I've had as a baseball player."

That's true. Anson could maybe have had a truckload of hits without being a professed racist, but we’ll never fuckin’ know will we? The fact that he can't quite see that belies his great baseball mind.

Here's what he's telling us: "I was great all on my own, but I was a bigot in part because it kept pitchers off the mound that I couldn’t hit and because I had the misfortune to be in baseball during the segregated era."

And yet, despite his inability to face the ultimate truth, Anson praises are being sung by all over the country like so many Al Jolson songs on the RKO big screen or Maurice Chevalier in the Catskills. Here's Kennisaw Mountain Landis’s audition: "I am pleased that Cap Anson has confronted his racism but I’ll be fuckin’ damned if I got anything to confront. There will be no niggers in baseball on my watch."

“To Thine Own Self Be True” Is Just as Assinine as “Just Do It.”

Landis being Landis, with the misfortune of being born into the segregated era, had to slip in a sentence patting himself on the back: "Being truthful is always the correct course of action, which is why I’m telling you faggot sport writers to get the fuck out of my office."

Many black sportswriters and civil rights activists as well as the Communist Party weren't going to let that pitch blow by them.

"Had we not put the fear of God into baseball, segregation in baseball would still be going on," Rodney told the AP. “It is going on.”

Enough, already, with the self-congratulations and over-reaching praise, all for a little dose of honesty. For me, baseball’s admission was cathartic for baseball, but hollow for those many great black players who were excluded. And I'll always wonder: How many hits could Anson have hit without the racist exclusion of African-American players? I'm guessing, in his heart of heart, Anson always wondered the same thing---not. The fucker was an unrepentant bigot.

Sabermetric studies show that Anson would have fewer than 2300 hits if baseball had been integrated. Use sabermetrics on all of those racist bums and kick their asses out of the Hall.

Kick ‘em out for Josh.