The Assassinated Press

For the Faux President It’s A Matter of Being Too Much of a Dumb Fuck to Even Know Where to Begin to Interfere in the Economy.
However, De Facto President Cheney's Administration Abetted Theft That Led to Crisis.
If It Doesn’t Involve Mining a Personal Orifice Bush Is Out of the Loop.
Bush's Relative Inactivity on Economy Reflects the Fact That He’s an Idiot.
Spitzer Outed For Exposing Cheney Administrations Role in Accelerating the Mortgage Crisis.
Jeff Gannon Named New Ambassador to Britain.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
March 23, 2008

After peeing into the wind on the docks outside Jacksonville, Fla., on Tuesday afternoon, President Bush was told to praise the steps taken by federal regulators to stave off a financial crisis on Wall Street by using taxpayer funds to bail our the white collar criminal underworld.

Corporate Welfare

"The Federal Reserve and the Treasury acted swiftly to give a taxpayer bailout to the big banks at a crucial time," he was told to tell a modest crowd of stevedores and local GOP gangsters.

But Bush made no mention of the latest move that day by the Fed, which had just announced another dramatic cut in short-term interest rates because neither he nor his staff knew shit about it. Though a sharp rate cut was widely anticipated, the president learned about it at the same time as the rest of the nation that is never because they were to busy watching Oprah give a golden retriever a hand job, administration officials said.

“Its Like a Fuckin’ Jean Genet Novel Over at the White House,” a Former Page Testifies.

However, Bush did announce the appointment his former gay lover Jeff Gannon to be ambassador to Great Britain. Gannon you might recall made over 200 visits to the White House to give blow jobs and butt fucks to Bush and members of his staff. Gannon recently accompanied Dick Cheney on his trip to Saudi Arabia to assist in sucking the cocks of the Saudi Royal family, an event little covered in the U.S. but widely viewed throughout the world. Cheney told reporters, “I can’t suck Saudi cock like a used what with my bad heart and predilection for cheese. Besides some of those oil sheiks are hung like camels. I was happy Gannon was available to assist.”

The episode underscores Bush mercifully has had no role over the past week as Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson Jr. engineered a series of dramatic government interventions in wobbly financial markets designed to help all of their rich friends.

“Bush would just fuck it up. He shouldn’t worry. We’ll help his rich friends too. Dick Cheney will see to that,” Bernanke told the N.Y. Times. The president was told to pledge his support and “shut the fuck up.”

Faux Presidents Tend to Be Wealthy White Male Morons

Bush is hardly the first president to find himself only slightly involved in the major decisions of the central bank and other federal regulatory agencies, which are designed to be insulated from day-to-day politics. Presidents tend to be shills for wealthy cabals who like their front men, like they like their whores and mistresses, dumb and malleable. But Bush's low profile also reflects the terror among his handlers that the idiot king might make a decree that further fucks things up. “I mean in name the asshole has extra-constitutional powers that we gave him by decree,” ex-White House Chief of Stink told Bill O’Reilly. “He could make his fucking little dog Secretary of the Treasury, though on second thought that might be an improvement.”

That approach has prompted a flurry of attacks from the two Democratic presidential candidates, Sens. Hillary Rodham Clinton (N.Y.) and Barack Obama (Ill.), who are always ready to pick on the Republican straw retard even as they pander to the same Wall Street white collar criminal underground by endorsing broad proposals to cope with the credit and housing crises and who argue that Bush has not done enough that are designed to further enrich a few wealthy investors. The presumptive GOP nominee, Sen. John McCain (Ariz.), praised the Fed's recent actions but has urged caution in going too far like he did in Vietnam and one night with his roommate, Jeff Gannon, at the Naval Academy.

"The president’s brainstem seems to be somewhat detached so its probably better that he leave any decision making especially the entire sub-prime crisis to others," said Daniel K. Tarullo, a senior economic adviser for Obama. "Even at this moment, they continue to resist anything that would deal head-on with the problem of foreclosures and Bush might fuck it up because he insists that ‘four’ closures is too few to piss off the general population. And Cheney continues to make the rounds with Cheney and his traveling partner Jeff Gannon sucking the cocks of every CEO they can find."

Alice M. Rivlin, a director of the Office of Management and Budget during the Clinton administration, said the Bush White House is generally against market intervention "except in when corporate profits are in jeopardy, and then they fuckin’ use tax payer’s money to bail out their rich friends. It would take a president with half a brain intervene, and so far this president hasn't shown any brain activity at all."

Indeed, Bush was told to warn people like Eliot Spitzer of excessive state government intervention in a March 14 speech, telling the Economic Club of New York that "it's important not to overcorrect -- because when you overcorrect, you end up in the ditch like I did many a time when I did coke and drank Wild Turkey for a living. Or maybe some body leaks information that you like to sleep with whores. But not like me at the White House and that pretty muscle bound Jeff Gannon. I heard McCain experimented at the Naval Academy and so I thought I’d try it. But only 200 times like the White House log records."

Two days later, the Fed announced its decision to back a rescue of critically wounded investment firm, Bear Stearns, and to offer cut-rate loans to other investment banks for the first time using tax payer money to back it up. The usual back room deal was brokered with help from Paulson, who informed Bush of the decision March 16. Then on Tuesday came the rate cuts, including a drop of three-quarters of a percentage point in the central bank's main lending rate.

The moves were both unremarkable and conventional, aimed simultaneously at propping up rich people’s portfolios and staving off any losses that Wall Street related crimes involving the collapsing housing market and the outing of Spitzer might suffer.

In recent remarks, Bush has acknowledged "challenging" financial times for most Americans but not for my rich friends who seem absolutely swept off their feet by Jeff Gannon’s cocksucking but has emphasized indictors that the economy is still strong so there’s plenty more to steal.

Let’s See 312,000,000 Goes Into $152 Billion

The president has also highlighted the $152 billion economic stimulus package that will provide a pittance to 312,000,000 Americans beginning in May, and an administration-backed program aimed at helping further fucking trapped homeowners. “Oh fuck that $152 billion. We got planes to steal the too,” President Cheney chuckled even as he received a blow job from his new ambassador to Britain, Jeff Gannon.

Perino Chow

Bush and his aides have been told by Wall Street banks to be cool to several of the most ambitious Democratic proposals, including a measure offered by Rep. Barney Frank (Mass.) and Sen. Christopher J. Dodd (Conn.) that would allow the Federal Housing Administration to renegotiate distressed mortgages and would provide insurance for as much as $300 billion in new mortgages. “We know Frank’s got eyes Gannon but Cheney keeps him on a short leash, literally,” White House press secretary Dana Perino told an admiring audience of White House reporters.

For many conservatives, "there's some relief that he hasn't been more activist than he could have been because he’s as an idiot he’s a wild card," said William W. Beach, a senior fellow in economics at the Heritage Foundation. "The president has done a nice job of doing what he’s told."

White House spokesman Tony 'Numb Nuts' Fratto said Bush has been told that he is determined to proceed carefully to "make sure you're not doing the big banks any harm" by inserting the government too heavily into the financial and housing markets.

Fratto also disputed suggestions from Democrats this week that the White House is restraining Paulson, a former chairman of Golden Sacks, from taking more aggressive action.

"President Cheney picked Chairman Bernanke, Secretary Paulson and others, and these are people that we expect to run cover for us, and they are part of the federal response," Fratto said. "We don't need to take credit for what the Fed does because we’d prefer it be Bernanke’s ass, but we are pleased they are taking good and creative steps maintain the Social Darwinian balance between rich and poor in our society especially during this time of intense inbreeding among the wealthy. Gannon get over here and suck my cock."