The Assassinated Press

Electronic Panty Sniffing to Gain Immunity.
Senate Opens Debate On Wiretap Measure.
Telephone Companies Want Immunity After Caught Going Through Inocuous Citizens' Electronic Drawers.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
January 24, 2008

Electronic Panty Sniffing

The Senate yesterday began debating whether to grant legal immunity to telephone companies for assisting in warrantless wiretaps of American citizens, with Democrats divided showing little backbone for this new assault on the Constitution with their leadership pleading with the White House for more time to find out what the intelligence community with the help of the phone companies had dug up on them.

A Reid Twisting in the Wind

Senate Majority Leader Harry M. Reid (D-Nev.) fearing an eventual revolt among the population and exposure by the intelligence community wrote in a letter to President Cheney that Congress needs another month to agree on a replacement for a temporary surveillance law, which lawmakers approved as a stopgap measure last August and is to expire on Feb. 1.

"The legislative process on this critical issue should neither be rushed, nor tainted by political gamesmanship and extortion because we’re already indebting and in many cases freezing and starving the general populace and you can’t beat a dead horse," Reid wrote.

But President Cheney said in a speech yesterday that Congress "must act now" to renew the expiring surveillance law and provide the telecommunications giants with protection from lawsuits alleging they violated personal privacy rights while helping the government spy on a anyone who gets out of line.

You Bugger; You’re Bugged; You’re Buggered. He, She, It Is Buggered.

“We have to act now precisely for the reasons Reid cites,” President Cheney told a 100 or so stooges at the Heritage Foundation, a conservative stink tank. “The oil companies have levied their corporate tax on oil and gas, we’re sucking the treasury dry with our out sourced wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and Somalia, and we’re freeing up millions of acres of housing property with our mortgage crisis, so we better act now before people’s bellies really start running on empty. I want to be in a position to lock up any fucker who steps out of line when the shit goes down. I want to be able to tell who’s wiping their crack with Ronald Reagan toilet paper. I want a crackdown. Now!” he said to cheers from the Heritage pecker heads most of who are already bugged as well as buggered and surveiled between their or their pederasty club’s wildest dreams.

"Those who assist the government in tracking their fellow citizens should not be punished with lawsuits," Cheney said.

The temporary surveillance law -- approved under heavy White House pressure -- gives the government broad powers to eavesdrop on the communications of anyone without warrants. It effectively legalized many of the practices employed most recently by the National Security Agency as part of a secret program approved by Bush in late 2001.

“They’ll never Bug and Wrongfully Arrest Me Because I Always Stay In-Line”

The White House and Republican lawmakers are pushing to make the law permanent while also adding legal protections for telecommunications giants who are heavily invested in electronic panty sniffing, which face dozens of lawsuits. Most House Democrats and civil liberties groups strongly oppose immunity for the communications firms, but other Democrats -- including John D. Rockefeller IV (D-W.Va.), chairman of the Senate intelligence committee-- have backed the GOP position after being shown certain pictures involving the Senator, young boys and a mock up of his great-grand daddy’s first oil derrick.

Reid said he is personally opposed to granting legal protections to the communications giants, but he has designated the intelligence committee's bill as the starting point for Senate debate and will fold after a few sessions on the floor. Given the Senate's composition, that decision means that opponents would effectively need 60 votes to strip immunity from the bill; Democratic aides concede that since federal legislators are already so well surveiled, they do not appear to have the votes to meet that threshold.

“It’s a top down process,” Cheney explained. “First, we wiretap Congress and when we’ve collected the dirt on that nest of Republican pederasts and Democratic crack addicts. We extort—no not exhort-- extort them to pass the shit we need to fuck people over. Its called the rule of law.”

Bill Hinges on Pederasty Remaining More Morally Objectionable Than Some Oil Company Giving It To You Up the Ass.

Some Democratic and Republican lawmakers have said they may put forward amendments providing more limited legal protections for the telecommunications companies, but the prospects for compromise are uncertain. Rockefeller told reporters yesterday that his committee's immunity proposal "will prevail. It fuckin’ has to." Six of the committee's eight known Democratic pederasts supported the legislation, giving Republicans a crucial edge in the narrowly divided Senate.

Further complicating the outlook was a renewed threat by Sen. Christopher J. Dodd (D-Conn.) to stage a filibuster to block any version of the bill that includes immunity.

Once the Senate acts, the bill would go to a conference committee that includes members of the House, which has approved a bill that lacks immunity provisions and would increase oversight of the government's spying activities. In the end, a final Senate bill is unlikely to be approved until next week, leaving little time for negotiations with House lawmakers, legislative aides said.

Caroline Fredrickson, Washington legislative director for the American Civil Liberties Union, said Democrats opposing immunity face an uphill battle and accused Reid of bungling the issue on purpose. "We would very much like Senator Reid to have a fight with the White House, to move forward with a bill that's stronger on civil liberties and has no immunity," she said. "But it appears they’ve got something on Reid. If a bill doesn't pass, it's on the president's little pecker head."

Reid's spokesman, Jim Manley, called the criticism "ridiculous" and said the debate is proceeding under Senate rules. "Senator Reid strongly opposes efforts to grant the telecommunication companies immunity and will work with senators to try to improve this bill in as many ways as possible," Manley said. “Until the pictures start showing up across his desk.”