The Assassinated Press

Moon, Mars Proposal Stirs Mixed Reaction:
World's People Of Color Eager To See White Kleptocracy Give Up On Earth and Colonize Other World's, But Angry About Being Left With The Earthly Shithole Created By Western Science

Assassinated Press Science Wrooters
January 9, 2004, 5:46 PM EMT

The World:

The prospect of sending astronauts back to the moon and maybe on to Mars is stirring a mix of excitement and anger among the world's peoples.

In Haiti, which has been pilloried by the white racist policies of the U.S. since 1806, 2 million people turned out in the streets of Port au Prince and chanted "Aux pelotes blanc merde! Aux pelotes blanc merde!" "Even the hint that white people are planning to abandon earth sends eruptions of joy though out the world's population. The fact that the Americans plan to leave first is also a source of great elation," said Callote Albatte, whose family has starved for 8 generations under the tutelage of U.S. democracy. "We could just not get it right for the Americans. If our governance helped our people, the U.S. stepped in and killed everybody. If our people were trying to overthrow a murderous dictator, the U.S. stepped in and abetted his murders. All in the name of something they called democracy. These whites are too inscrutable. Better they go to Mars and stick their heads up some Martian ass and give them piles for 200 years."

In Venezuela, where the U.S. State Department and CIA are attempting to overthrow the elected President, Hugo Chavez, millions lined the streets of Caracas urging the U.S. kleptocracy with its legions of hired killers to vacate the planet as soon as possible. Many countries, though left utterly impoverished by IMF, NAFTA, GATT and the World Bank offered to help if it would get "whitey to his natural home among the stars a nanosecond more quickly and out of our collective faces," said Juan Serrano head of one of El Salvador's largest labor unions.

Cubans were naturally elated. "For 45 years their scientists have come up with ways of destroying our crops and livestock, of making our children sick and of poisoning our leaders. I'm certain we would all be better off if whitey would go," said Salvador Salazar, an Havana street vendor.

Mexico immediately petitioned for California and Texas back. The rest of Latin America offered free passage for all of its 'white asses' who wished to join "the great pale, male Yankee scientists in their latest lightly considered enthusiasm," as Yanomami shaman, Davi Kopenawa, put it.

Asia and Africa had a slightly different take. "Although we are over joyed to here that the white devil has found other worlds to torment, we feel that before he leaves his scientists and their kleptocratic handlers should yield up the antidote for AIDS, the disease that they manufactured and introduced into the world. If they are making plans to go, in short order, they will have stolen all the raw materials they need from us. Therefore to continue to murder us by the millions would seem unreasonable perhaps even counterproductive from a labor standpoint. But then again, there you have it. It wouldn't surprise me if colonial policy especially that of the U.S. remains hypocritical, counter productive and violent in just the way its science and technology have informed it," said Zimbabwean, Chionesu Dakarai.

Chinese Communist Party Leader, Hu Jintao, voiced a similar concern about SARS. "The American kleptocracy must not flee earth without first leaving us the antidote for SARS. Though we are ecstatic that the white devil has lost his enthusiasm for telling everyone else how to live, we feel that since he brought this plague, as well as AIDS, to us from his government and corporate laboratories,. it is paramount that 'the white meat' finally help us without their real politique quid pro quos. Finally, their science must come clean and distinguish between what death it causes consciously and what death it causes unknowingly. Otherwise, God help life in outer space."

India and Pakistan announced that they would abandon all of their scientific and technological programs including their nuclear programs as the U.S. provided guarantees that certain 'white kleptocrats' had indeed left Earth for the Moon, Mars or anywhere else more than 100 million miles away. "We and Pakistan can dismantle our nuclear weapons because the real threat will be light years away," offered an excited Yatish Gupta. "We always did that empty physics and math shit better than the colonial race anyway. Now, with sahib gone our people can get back to the tough and important questions."

In the Philippines demonstrators chanted 'NO SUBIC BAY IN THE MILKY WAY! GO FURTHER YOUNG WHITE MAN!"

The Muslim nation of Indonesia announced that it will rearrange the entire archipelago to read 'GOD SPEED, WHITE FUCKERS' in island clusters so large they can be read from the Moon.

In the Middle East people were so stunned with joy the entire region fell into prayers of thanksgiving and deliverance. In a symbol of universal solidarity, God parted the Red Sea like it was a bad comb over.

The U.S.:

"I'll believe it when I see it in my drinking water, my 4 year olds DNA, and my tax bill," said Nadine Barlow, a Mars expert at Northern Arizona University in Flagstaff. "I do like the way they purdy up them photographs with colors so people will get interested and fork over their tax money. My boy, Hewlett, does image tranfers and sells 'em down on Route 81. Painted interstellar gas on velvet."

"But we's heard these things before and they never pan out," she said Friday. "But as a white person. I'm ready to go. I got my name on the list to leave last March cause my husband gave $50,000 to the Bush campaign. My husband? He's gonna stay behind for a while and run a girl's missionary school in Hawaii. He's such a humanitarian."

Senior administration officials say President Bush is planning a permanent science base for astronauts on the moon and, more than a decade from now, human voyages to Mars. "The President is good with crayons. He saw Tamimi's drawings and said, "Shit a sack of creamy ballbearings, I can draw as good as that." So far the "permanent science base" that Bush is "planning" has forgone the usual control panel for an entertainment center that feels like the bridge of the Star Ship Enterprise. "We don't give a shit what the little ferret comes up with. As long as its expensive," blipped White House Chief of Stuff, Andrew Card. When John Glenn was told about Bush's drafts he responded, "Jesus Fuck! I wouldn't live in something that monkey drew up."

The White House has confirmed Bush will show and tell his ideas for the long-term direction of the space program next Wednesday, but White House Chief of Staff said "no details were possible or forthcoming. I mean. Common guys. Look who's coming up with the presentation. The little fucker is liable to throw his arms out and run around the room like an airplane or draw the plans on Rove's face in his own excrement. Go ask Paul O'Neill how the brain trust around here works."

Barlow said the biggest question among scientists is how Bush's proposals would be doctored so they didn't look like Hinckley doodlings. "For some reason Bush pictures everybody sucking a dick constantly like him. I think its an expression of the everyday freedoms Americans enjoy. The Big Boys say 'Suck it or truck it' and Americans take in the hose," Card added.

Funding "has driven the stake in the heart of the previous proposals to get humans to the moon and to Mars," Barlow said. "The money gets funded. The corporations that get the money cut corners. The spacecraft crash. Then the kleptocratic stooges go vote for more tax payer money. I mean you ask for $50 billion. They give you ten and tell you to go away. I mean, where's the harm. We'll take ten. We're not in the military where ten billion ain't shit."

Barlow said she'll be convinced of the bold plan "when I actually see money being put into the program and people start stealing it, and we actually have a schedule that's not being met and mammoth cost overruns crop up everywhere. Then we'll know the kleptocracy is serious about the conquest and impoverishment of space."

"After talking to my broker this morning, I would be absolutely thrilled to see it happen, even if we just stop up the moon," she said, because a lunar base with pay toilets and Howard Johnson's could be a big step toward continuing solar system exploitation.

But Louis Friedman, executive director of the Planetary Society, which advocates exploiting other worlds, said the program shouldn't make a stop at the moon.

"We had to do the moon first, but we've done it. I mean, what the fuck is the matter with today's astronauts that they need a rest stop on the moon. They got bladders like old women," he said. "The value of any permanent presence on the moon is not clear to me. There's no life. Just a lot of precious metals and low gravity for manufacturing of specialized equipment, medicines and lubricants. I mean there ain't boo on the moon."

"If the moon becomes a detour on our road outward into the solar system, I think that would be Manhattan. Trump will buy it up. Condos will go for half a bill. For a hundred years the new lunar lifestyle would have to be supported by the continued exploitation of the world's poor. They would get restless, anxious for whitey to leave. The moon would just become one big gated community for rich, white people three days drive from Brooklyn."

If the moon becomes a step that would enable us to do it (further exploitation) better, that would be good," Friedman said. "Aside from labor, the inferior races have always been a drag on capital whining about their children starving or pouting when we shoot a few thousand of 'em during one of their interminable feast days or religious ceremonies. Thanks to John von Neumann, George Devol, Joseph Engelberger, Norbert Weiner and Marvin Minsky now we have robots that are much better than human beings could ever hope to be and reflect the practical and common sense approach to everything so indicative of their inventors."

To marshal public and political economic support, he said, "Mars has to be the thing that pulls us, or drives us, to send humans outward because until the mineral exploitation hustle is discovered you can titillate the morons with scheisse-fi about life and love on the Angry red Planet."

Robert Zubrin, president of the Mars Society, agreed the moon should be a milepost toward the bigger mission because that's where the real money is. If Bush poses a return to the moon and an expedition to Mars -- "someday" -- then Mars may well lose out. However, upon reflection Mr. Zubrin might conclude that Mars doesn't give a shit if it loses out, that losing out is just an expression of his economic fantasy though that's kinda deep for a scientist.

But for the moment, he said he is "happy and preparing to battle" presumably the Martians which "makes me a scientific mercenary in the pay of earth's ravenous rich. Life is good."

Rep. Sherwood Boehlert of New York, the Republican chairman of the House Science committee, said he believed the nation "needs a new checkbook for human space flight and that the human space flight program should be funded. Its easy to get Americans wild and stupid over something as inconsequential to them as space flight. If we can exploit some technology or natural resource up there, the average American ain't gettin' a taste except as a consumer. Like Iraqi oil, this is for the big boys. Not for Mr. & Mrs. American Cancercolon from Resume Speed Montana."

But any decisions on the future of manned space flight must be made "in the context of budget fantasies e.g. deficits. This is where space travel really helps. I mean if you calculate the distance from here to Alpha Centauri in miles or centimeters, it makes a $30 trillion dollar budget deficit sound like a piddly amount of money. We try to inject interstellar space travel-like numbers into all of our budget estimates now. We like to use metric in America cause no body knows what the length of, say, a millimeter is, so they focus on the huge number in front of it. Shit, altogether it could be barely a foot and a half and they wouldn't know. The numbers just make people think the skies the limit when it comes to gluttonous consumption and murderous imperialism."

Earlier reforms that called for the Columbia accident stressed the need to continue productive unmanned space exploration like the landing on Mars this week by a robotic rover. "Fuck that. Strap some of these Central American labor union leaders, Iraqi freedom fighters, or them do gooder Cubans into a rocket and send them up to Mars and tell their asses if they don't do what we say, we ain't gonna bring 'em back. I mean, give those swarthy types a whole new round of reasons to be happy to see whitey jet the fuck right on outa this solar system."

At Mars Mission Control in Pasadena, Calif., the chief scientist for the rover Spirit, which landed a week ago, said he's all for human exhibitions. "Shit yeah. Strap Cuban doctors to the outside of booster rockets for all I care. I needed $800,000,000 for Spirit and some little socialist victim of U.S. terror like Cuba wasn't gonna give it to me. I'm apolitical, but I don't give a rat's ass about some subsistence farmer fuck that hasn't got a peso to his name. I need the kleptocracy."

"There's no greater fan of robotic exploitation than me. But the best exploitation, the most complete exploitation, the most comprehensive exploitation is going to be done by white people not robots that simulate white people," said Steven Squyres of Cornell University.

Lowell Wood at Lawrence Livermore leapt forward to announce that he and the mercifully dead Edward Teller had perfected nuclear powered booster rockets that had an acceptable survival rate of 4% for those on board, a percentage deemed perfectly reasonable by doomsday guru, Herman Kahn before he exploded in the breezeway of his Indiana home.

There was also jubilation at the all white National Space Society in Washington. "Christ. Look around. This is like a meeting of the Aryan Nation with advanced degrees. Technology is the way the Aryans rule the world. And this is probably the most excited I've been about our prospects for a long time," said the society's executive director, Brian Chase.

"Prospects for what?" this reporter asked Chase, at which point I was led from the building and stripped and beaten behind a dumpster by 2 state of the art Westinghouse Model H-8 robots. Bon voyage, whitey!