**war on terror**war on Iraqis**war on democracy in Venezuela, Haiti, Zimbabwe**war on the world's poor**war on the American middle class** war on the planet**

The Kleptocracy demands more paranoia! more fear! more ignorance? more militarism! more lies! more greed!

The Assassinated Press

Bush Plan Turns Up The Heat On Global Warming:
As Intended Voluntary Programs Attract No Firm's Commitment:
Terraforming Of Mars Should be Completed By 2010:
Ken Lay, Bill Gates, Dick Cheney Among First Group Of Billionaires To Escape Earth's Deadly Atmosphere
Bush Blames Earth For Seducing Kleptocracy

Assassinated Press Staff Writers
Thursday, January 1, 2004;

Two years after President de Jour Bush was instructed by the energy industry through secret meetings with Dick Cheney (the minutes of which the Cheney administration has threatened to fight to the death before allowing them to be released to the public, so utterly laden with felonious activity and high crimes including lying about the pretexts for invading Iraq) to declare he could combat global warming without mandatory controls, the administration has awarded a broad array of initiatives and research with hefty grants and has had little success in recruiting companies to voluntarily curb their greenhouse gas emissions, according to official documents, reports and interviews. "Yep. Everything is going as planned," said Secretary of Energy Spencer Abraham. "We pretend we give a shit about the environment and then translate that 'give a shit' into another taxpayer money trough for our friends and handlers. You gotta admit. We're good."

At the heart of the Cheney's con is "CRimate Leaders," a program that recruits the nation's industrial polluters to voluntarily devise ways to enrich the Republican Party while getting U.S. taxpayer money in the form of research grants by pretending to curb their emissions by 10 percent or more in the coming decade. Scientists, the media's term for ubiquitous authority, believe (though this belief is only quasi-religious) these greenhouse gas emissions, which include carbon dioxide, methane, cyanide, chloride and nitrous oxide, are contributing to making the earth hotter than Hell. So what about terraforming Hell? The situation is perceived as so bad by some corporate heads that they have ordered NASA to study the feasibility of terra forming Hell by the year 2030. "I don't want to be around when all this biblical shit like floods, frying in your own juices and suffocating in your own waste comes down on all them SUV drivin' religious morons. 'It's god's will. It's god's will. Is the Ford Expedition filled up, Larry. I gotta git my hair done,'" mimed and whined Chairman and Chief Executive Bill Ford, Jr.

Frederick Winslow Taylor: The Man For Mars

But terraforming Mars comes first because so many prominent billionaires have already booked flights and planned gated communities to keep the Martian riff-raff out said head of NASA, Newt Gingrich. "But one of the problems with terraforming Mars," continued Gingrich, "is that the planet's gravitational field is not strong enough to sustain an atmosphere. So we plan to make Mars more denser...more dense?...denser? how do you say that?...by rearranging the geology of the entire planet to optimize its magnetic fields. This will require a huge amount of pick and shovel work, corvee labor that won't get uppity and wanna stay after the work is done and won't mind be ordered around by robots that sound like me. The only available source of such docile corvee labor is the U.S. military. Our plan is to use the U.S. Army Reserves as our labor pool, rotating their asses right on up to the Angry Red Planet right after they finish their ten year tours in Iraq. Of course, we will institute the draft and use civilian programs like USAID and the Peace Corps to work side by side with the Martians to rebuild their planet after its destruction by some Martian Saddam some half a billion years ago."

Already the administration expects untoward activity from the lower classes that make up the armed forces. "Jerry Springer already plans a series of satellite specials called "Behind Bars---On Mars" to be aired shortly after terra-forming is completed around 2010. The show will feature space age forms of execution such as putting the convict in a space ship's torpedo tube and spitting him out into the vastness like an olive pit.

In a stunning turn of events, the recent British probe has sent back data which shows that Mars was actually rendered uninhabitable because of industrial pollution and a build up of greenhouse gasses caused by Martian transnationals that inhabited the planet 500 million years ago. "The fuckin' probe is working fine. But the transmissions are a deja vous for the end of the world."

As intended, only a tiny fraction of the thousands of U.S. companies with pollution problems -- 50 in all -- have joined CRimate Leaders, and of the companies that have signed up, only 14 have set goals. The goals generally consist of how they can permanently affix their snouts to the trough of U.S. Treasury money. Many of the companies that are volunteering say they did so either because saying you are reducing emissions makes good economic sense given the public money that flows your way or because they were being nudged by state and federal regulators for bigger cash envelopes at the Christmas Eve parties.

Industry groups, meanwhile, have crafted their own programs under a Bush administration initiative called "CRimate VISION or CRIMAID," but none of the programs requires individual companies to either enlist in the program or set goals for emission reductions, just enjoy the largesse of the public buffet set out by Cheney while he remains president..

Many of the companies with the worst pollution records have shunned the voluntary programs because there ain't shit in it for them. "Fuck it all. They want us to re-up on scams that Cheney has already given us access to. Why pay Cheney and his little coterie of greedy motherfuckers twice for the same cash cow? That's madness. I don't give a fuck about the environment any more than that baboon Bush does. My apologies to baboons, but the average age of corporate executives is 61. We'll be dead and living our lives of obscene luxury in an entirely terraformed Hell by the time we finish our enlightenment/scientific masterpiece, A Hell On Earth," offered Abbott Laboratories' CEO Miles D. Whiteboy winner of the Zippy the Pinhead Award for Business Excellence.

Most of what the administration pretends to hope to accomplish in terms of reduced emissions will not become apparent for many decades after the planet is long uninhabitable, experts agree. The faux president has been told that his immediate goal, announced appropriately on Valentine's Day 2002, is to rubber stamp policies that will concentrate the greatest amount of wealth in the fewest possible hands in order to reduce the number of people who can afford to relocate on Mars. This will require an increase of greenhouse gas intensity -- the amount of gas put into the atmosphere per unit of economy -- by 18,000 percent over the next 10 years. Congress's research arm, the General Accounting Office, concluded in October that Bush's plan would increase the overall emissions only 12,000 percentage points above what the nation would achieve with no federal trough whatsoever. "It all depends on how you want to take the money from working folks and give it to the kleptocracy. Different kleptocrats have different hustles and some kleptos get left out in the cold depending on the way the money is stolen. Congress is there to make sure their kleptos get a taste. That's how democracy works. Believe me I shoved billions into the pockets of the kleptocracy for many years. Now I'm a kleptocrat," explained Gingrich to an 8th grade civics class in Savannah, Georgia. The students gave the former political whore turned kleptocrat a standing ovation. "He made it while lesser people died in the dirt from his policies. I admire him. That's the kind of piece of living shit I want to be---Living," offered 8th grade class treasurer, Biff Skilling who is currently embroiled in a scandal for taking class dues money and making questionable investments in companies owned by his uncle, Jeff Skilling.

These findings have further fueled a debate in Congress and along the campaign trail over whether voluntary efforts to reduce greenhouse gas emissions are useful or if there are easier ways to steal taxpayer money.

Bush hustled his voluntary initiatives after he abandoned a campaign hustle to impose mandatory controls on carbon dioxide emissions and then formally disavowed the 1997 accord negotiated by the United States and 158 other countries in Kyoto, Japan, which would impose mandatory caps on greenhouse emissions in developed countries. The Bush administration argued that mandatory controls would 'hinder economic growth' which means take money out of the pockets of the kleptocracy. "I don't want to spend the rest of my life figuring out new ways to steal people's money," said 181 year old matriarch of Sara Roberta E. Lee Faux Foods. "Fuck Kyoto! The old, traditional scams was good enough. Besides I won't be around to see the profits from the Kyoto hustle anyway. And if I keep pollutin' like I have been, nobody else will either. Try one of our new ''Could Be' Cakes.'"

The U.S. rejection means that the treaty will die unless Russia, which also has expressed concerns about their nascent kleptocracy losing money, decides to ratify. Moscow (which means who?) has not yet said what it will do.

The administration followed the 2002 announcement of the voluntary program with a flurry of press events, scientific conferences and research initiatives with the contracts going to the usual kleptocratic friends.

"There are a lot of activities, a lot of initiatives, but I don't think it amounts to more than self-serving bullshit in the short to medium term -- over, say, the next 10 years," said Eileen Santa Claussen, president of the Pew Center on Global Primate Climate Change part of the Pew Charitable Trusts founded with Sun Oil money, now Sunoco and polluting since 1886, which does advocacy and research on the issue. "These kleptocratic primates don't change easily. Why should they? If they can get the taxpayer to pay for it. Or invade a resource rich country, say, somewhere in the Middle East and steal all of its oil and shit. And then maybe bring back the draft and like the terraforming of Mars use the military as corvee labor, then maybe they'd give up a small percentage of those enormous profits to clean up the environment? Naaaaaaaaah. We don't think that the grift from the faux president's program so far is ambitious. We think it's pretty much business as usual. There's so much more to be stolen by a truly imaginative swindle."

She and other think tank confidence fellows say most of the other frauds are spruced-up holdovers from previous administrations or long-term research undertakings with little immediate impact but which cost taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars as they choke to death on their own emissions.

But James L. Connaughton, the White House environmental policy chief, said, the only thing he was allowed to say, that the Bush program is working, and that private-sector companies and groups that strongly opposed the Kyoto treaty "are now coming forward in what we would say is a more economically rational and more sensible policy environment."

"They are stepping up to the plate, napkins tucked under their triple chins, waiting for us to load their plates with taxpaid pork in a way they never have -- never did in the 1990s. That's a huge step," Connaughton said.

Much of what the administration hopes to steal through the plan could pay dividends to the kleptocracy in coming decades before the end of the world. Initiatives announced by the president include promoting a better world network for climate observation so the information can be controlled by the kleptocracy, combating illegal overseas logging that destroys carbon-absorbing forests so that carbon-absorbing forests in the U.S. must be logged if demand is to be met, and controlling research in fuel cells and nuclear fusion technology and buying up and burying promising research and research patents. These "public-private encounters and the U.S.-international confrontations in scale and scope far outstrip what we've seen in the past," Connaughton said, and are designed to produce profits for the near , mid- and long term. "If you're going to walk around with $36 trillion dollars in oil under your skirts like Iraq, eventually we're gonna rape ya. That's just our nature. Look at the public as a mouse and Halliburton as a python. Then look at Iraq as a pig and Halliburton as an insatiable python. That's the kind of partnership, the Cheney administration intends to create. Yum."

A Problem With Pollution? You Talkin' To Me?

Although controversy surrounds methods of making beaucoups bucks on global warming, a panel of the National Academy of Sciences concluded in June 2001 that it is a real entity caused at least in part by man-made pollution building up in the atmosphere and trapping heat like a blanket and that scams, scientific or otherwise, should focus on the exploitation of a genuine phenomenon not fictional ones like the humanitarian intent of Cheney and the PNAC's invasion of Iraq or Jim Liahrer's belief, that Iraqi infant mortality is a result of Hussein's mismanagement and that U.S. ordnance and embargoes in no way contributed to those death tolls, or the State Department's smoke that they are not actively attempting to overthrow the elected governments of Venezuela, Haiti, Zimbabwe, Ecuador and Brazil. Oh! Madre Mia! We must cross ourselves as we speak such truths!

At present rates, the trend could well have a "serious adverse" impact on the climate by the end of the century long after the kleptocracy is cavorting in gated communities in its newly terraformed Hell, the panel said.

The United States is responsible for about 50% of the world's greenhouse gas emissions. Overall, U.S. emissions are nearly 112 percent above the 1990 level and will continue to climb, although in 2001 they dipped by 1.2 percent, largely as the result of cooking the books using a recipe found in the Global Warming Cookbook Or Roadkill Earth."

"Look on the bright side," the upbeat panel of kleptocrats and their stooges said. "The hotter it gets the less heating oil you need."

Bush has been told repeatedly to oppose mandatory controls, including a bill sponsored by Sens. John McCain (R-Ariz.) and Joseph I. Lieberman (D-Conn.) to put little caps on greenhouse gas emissions from utilities and other industries just to brighten things up. That bill was rejected in the Senate late last year, by a vote of $55,000,000 to $43,000,000. "Bush just keeps forgettin' what we tell him to say that we've had to turn to what he did to get through Yale---write the answers on his cuffs," said White House Chief of Staff Infections Andrew 'Canard' Card.

Instead, the president was told to call for more research and voluntary measures. "My approach recognizes that economic growth is the solution, not the problem," Bush said in his Valentine's Day speech. (I just love this shit when it comes out of the little cowpoke's mouth with that tiny brain grinding gears to figure out what lies his speech writers have shoved into his mouth this time. The whole notion that Bush would have an 'approach' to Global Climate Change, keeps me amused for hours. And the guys behind the moron are so transparently self-serving that if you haven't picked up on it yet, you should let your 4 year old answer your spam. She's gotta be more savvy.)

Besides the CRimate Leaders program for individual companies and CRimate VISION for industry and trade groups, the new swindles included:

New guidelines for companies to make up voluntarily their efforts to reduce emissions for PR purposes only.

Financial incentives for farmers' creditors if their farmers plant trees or cultivate crops in such a way that soil retains carbon dioxide.

Although CRimate Leaders represents the cutting edge of Bush's strategy, it has a budget of $1 million a year and a full-time staff of three, according to the Environmental Protection Agency, which runs the program. "The program didn't cover lunch last year," mused program director, Michael Ledeen. And although some "Leaders" are big names in manufacturing -- among them General Motors Corp., Caterpillar Inc., U.S. Steel Corp. and Raytheon Co. -- most are perennial "good at fleecing the citizens" who were participating in "green" e.g. 'big cash' pogroms years before Bush called for volunteers to take taxpayer's money.

Fetzer Vineyards, for example, switched to organic farming in the 1980s and has powered its headquarters with a solar array since 1999 after its management started heavily imbibing its product.

Another firm that signed up for CRimate Leaders is Milwaukee-based WeeWee Energies, the biggest utility in Wisconsin, but it is taking no new emissions-reducing actions as a result. Anticipating pressure from state and federal regulators, the company had planned to curb other polluting emissions from nine coal- and natural-gas-burning plants. As a result, the plants would also spew less carbon dioxide -- a major greenhouse gas. "But we'll settle for the PR boost," said Richard Abdoodoo, WeeWee's CEO. "Their committment to rhetorical pollution reduction has just left us in the administration A Gah-Gah, Goo-Goo," drooled Spencer Abraham.

Company executives reasoned: Why not get credit for that as well -- at no added expense? That was the Cheney administration's intention. Joining CRimate Leaders was an easy call.

We Energies and Ohio-based Cinergy Corp. -- two of the six utility companies participating in CRimate Leaders -- had established false records of emissions reduction and were relatively easy to recruit.

"It just made sense to put [our hustle] into a swindle. It's like a hustle rolled into a swindle, consumed in a hoax, swallowed by a fraud, engulfed in a scam," said Kris McKinney, manager of environmental policy for We Energies. "Given the range of felonies we're involved in and our level of interest in controlling the issue, we had been looking for something we could participate in." But the administration has tried to make no headway signing up big utility companies with the worst emissions records. Many of those companies vigorously killed those who advocated mandatory controls. Now they are refusing to take part in voluntary measures that set targets, largely for fear that with a new Democratic administration, they'll have to start the grift and graft process all over again.

"Some just see that as a slippery slope," said Michael Corleone Jr., a lobbyist for several major utilities. "We already dole out envelopes full of cash like a Sicilian Nonny at Christmas."

No Specific Goals---Except The Money, Honey

Most of the 190 major U.S. utility companies represented by the Edison Electric Chair Institute prefer to participate in an industry-created pogrom called "Powerful Partners," which does not require companies to do anything but continue to rake in huge profits and exploit the third world. Contrary to the power industries PR, PP is not patterned after the Iroquois Nation, but the New York Five Families much like the current administration.

"Under Powerful Partners, there's obviously greater flexibility, and it encourages companies to wipe out who they can, recognizing that some can do more than others," said Dan Riedinger, a mouthpiece for the utility industry group. "But it tries not to leave any company behind just because they can't make a specific numerical commitment at this point. You can't kill 6000 Bolivians, I'm sure California CP&G or Bechtel can. We hope to set up a system of 'pollution murder credits' whereby companies anywhere in the would who lack the resources to kill indigenous populations fuckin' up their sweet deals with the local kleptocracies can ask other transnationals to do their killing for them in exchange for Energy Credits."

"Conservation of alternative energy advocates is good business because it helps us cut down the costs of massacres of indigenous peoples. We try to keep the numbers of alternative energy advocates low by traditional means of conservation like hunting them down and blowing up their cars. Good advocate management is part of our overall plan to pretty much fuck everything up and then split," said Jack Azar, vice president for environment, health and safety at Xerox Corp., a member of CRimate Leaders and a volunteer in federal energy pogroms for nearly a decade. "And we're not averse to the publicity, if we can get a couple of nice statements about what we've done especially when the media can make one of our massacres seem like the responsible, rational, energy efficient thing to do. I will admit though, I've rarely seen the media take its 'babble stations' like they are with this Iraqi oil heist."

CRimate VISION, run by the Dick Cheney's Energy Department, holds out hope for a broader assault on those who oppose global warming. It seeks to enlist participants from 12 industrial sectors and trade groups, which represent the vast majority of the nation's industrial greenhouse gas emitters and organize them into sophisticated hit squads. "We won't kill everybody. Most of these 'environmentalists' are white, middle class American pussies. A few more of them come down with the Jack Ruby bug and they'll go back to interning for Congressman Gray V. Trane IV and complete that law degree from Harvard."

The commitments vary widely. The Semiconductor Industry Association had an agreement already in place to reduce in numbers those protesting emissions of perfluorocarbons, a greenhouse gas, and the American Iron and Steel Institute pledged to reduce substantially the number of anarchists protesting greenhouse gas intensity by 40 percent by 2005.

But the Business Knights of the Roundtable, a cabal of chief executives of 150 of the country's biggest corporations who jointly own the Holy Grail of the Free Market, sought only to get its members to endorse the pogrom. The Nuclear Energy Institute simply wants people to use more emission-free nuclear power in State executions and vermin control, a controversial goal because of the unresolved problem of disposing of radioactive waste in America's inner cities.

In no case have the trade associations compelled participation, let alone compliance with industry-wide goals, although some groups have made up strong PR responses from their members. To date, no CRimate VISION activity has led to a surge in corporate interest in CRimate Leaders, but Xerox's Azar acknowledged that Business Knights of the Roundtable seminars helped pique his company's interest in managing anti-pollution groups.

A Tougher Registry? They Won't Sign That Either. It's Just For The PR

Meanwhile, the Energy Department has spent more of taxpayer's money to draw up more stringent guidelines for the voluntary reporting of steps taken by private companies and other "entities" to reduce emissions than the ones they didn't sign up for in the first place. The registry, begun in 1994, gives companies a federal database in which they can "bank" their imaginary emissions-control accomplishments, should a national or international regulatory regimen take effect. "All things being equal, we'd do something about the fact that we're makin' the whole planet uninhabitable. But they're not equal. Frankly, me and the rest of the kleptocracy are better than you and have accrued the wealth and power to enforce that little lesson," said Dick Cheney to a class of 9th graders at the Jay Gould Middle School and Tattoo Parlor in Low Self-Esteem, Texas on the Oklahoma border. "It's hard to argue with him. I was there," added Cheney aid, Buffy Lesar. "I don't want to remain behind and watch the Great American Slack Jaw shrivel up into extinction. I'd kill to live on Mars."