The Assassinated Press

Visionaries Hope NASA Plan Includes Mars, Von Neumann Probes, Inter-Planetary Terra Forming, Settlements Outside Solar System:
World Jubilant To Hear All White People May Be Off Planet By Year 2070:
Major Corporations Eager To Abandon Ecologically Unsound, Soon To Be Sucked Dry Earth:
Colonials, Imperialists, Capitalists Bored & Restless; Looking For Fresh Conquests In The Stars:
"Whitey Made The Planet A Shithole And Still Thinks He Has All The Answers."---Albert X

Assassinated Press Aerospace Writer
December 4, 2003, 5:48 PM PCP

MANILA--- After decades of getting dizzy watching astronauts circle Earth, space visionaries finally have reason for optimism: NASA and other agencies are working with the White House on a bold, new course of exploration called Interstellar Honky.

Whether the destination is Mars or our nearest galaxy remains to be seen. But for the majority of the world's population the hope that large numbers of white people will soon be settling other planets in other star systems brought jubilation. "We wish them well," said Phan Van Trih. "As long as they get the fuck outta here."

"God speed," and cries of "How can I help speed you on your way" were coming into NASA headquarters via phone, fax and internet at the rate of 2 billion an hour. Many expressed the desire that Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld and the entire cast of the current administration be given the honor of being the first to leave perhaps on the scheduled trip to terra form Mars in 2003. "Please, may God take whitey up into the heavens," chanted millions in the developing world's capitals. "This is a most interesting use of communications technology, " commented NASA head Sean O'Keefe. "How ungrateful. How are they going to tell us to leave once we're gone?"

Others however were not so optimistic. "They must take their restless spirit, their desire to know all the hidden secrets of nature, their single-minded desire to reach the stars and unravel the unfanthomable--- but Mars is not far enough away. They will shoot at us and bomb us from there. These are a greedy yet petty group of motherfuckers. We must help them go much farther away," said Aime Cesaire. Cesaire went on to say, "Three hip-hop epics about the great honky migration have already emerged. They are called Eschatology of Reason, Tale of the Tribe and Millennial Mathematics, written by an underground collective who has adopted the revolutionary name de guerre of an obscure Italian fisherman turned dry cleaner."

So profound was the utter joy from the world's impoverished and oppressed that the NYSE shot up 666 points its largest one day gain in history. "Everyone on the planet wants to speed the departure of us white devils to other planets. So much so that they are capitulating to every aspect of Globalization if that will help raise capital that can be used by us to go the fuck away," said the neo=Georgian poet, Dana Gioia.

"They're almost too happy to see us go," snorted pundit Bill O'Reilly on his O'Reilly Report. "Well, I intend to make these last two generations with Planet Honky miserable for every race, religion and creed I hate and that's a long list. Then I'm going to spend the rest of my days laughing while I relax in my olympic size pool orbiting on a rock somewhere within the gravitational suck of Alpha Centauri."(You can send a gift of money to the "Send Bill O'Reilly Into Space ASAP" by calling Fox News.)

"Put it this way: I think we must encourage the white people to move forward and press the discussion that's going on by reminding them of all of their best imperialist/positivist/deterministic/teleological catch phrases like "The March Of Progress, Man's Last Frontier, Man's Unquenchable Thirst For Knowledge, The Hope of Mankind, Man's Hunger For The Unknown, Hearing The Stars Calling, I Aim For The Stars But Sometime I Hit London and the like," said Diogenes Sinope. "Let them eat stardust, the wan cannibals," he added.

Everett Gibson, a NASA scientist studied moon rocks from the Apollo astronauts and the Mars meteorite that show irrefutable evidence of past life on the red planet. "You can brew a very nourishing broth from the fossilized bacteria in moon rocks, don't you know," explained Gibson who is slated to lead an expedition to terra form Pluto in 2026. Gibson's currently involved with the European-built Mars probe that's all decked out for a Christmas Day landing so the scientists won't have to spend the day with their families. Two NASA rovers are right behind, scheduled to land on Mars in January and destroy the European built probe. "I know the world's people of color are disappointed that these probes are not manned by a significant number of white people. But we must proceed cautiously and rationally. I mean, we totally fucked up one planet. Chances are good at this juncture that we might fuck up them all. We're still in the learning stages. The fucking up stages happen when we think we've actually learned something and somebody develops a market."

Neither the White House nor NASA had the knowledge to discuss specifics but were utterly undeterred. Nor will they answer the hopes of pro-space optimists world -wide who have been buzzing for weeks over whether President de Jour Bush may use the 100th anniversary of the Wright brothers' flight on Dec. 17 as the time for a space colonizing announcement. Dick Cheney did hint at the scope of the colonization plan for space saying that Bechtel and Halliburton had been awarded 6 initial contracts worth at least $8 trillion not including the inevitable cost overruns. "We're just going to leave our debt behind and fly, fly, fly to the stars," sang actor, scientologist Tom Cruise to a chorus of "Fuckin' Go! Go! Go!" from Compton and Watts.

Otherwise, they will only say the interagency effort to abandon earth began in July. "That work is ongoing and will continue," said Glenn Mahone, NASA's chief spokesman. When this reporter asked how much money it would require for a white person to get off this planet, he answered, "I can't give you a figure. But a few white people like Dick Cheney, Ken Lay, Don Rumsfeld and Bill Gates realized long ago to get a good seat to get off this cinder we live on now was going to require beaucoup bucks. That's why they've had their murder machines ratcheted up for years. The average white person just can't compete and will have to spend time among the darker peoples. Remember white flight from the inner cities to the suburbs. Just look at Jupiter as a suburb, and then look at your bank account. Capiche?"

It was the theoretical aspect of the Columbia failure that held up discussion of how far NASA should venture beyond the space shuttle and international space station. The panel that covered-up the immorality of the Columbia accident called for a clearly defined long-term, long range spending mission -- a national vision for spending in space that, like earlier funding, has gone missing for three decades.

Gibson sides with the white people-back-to-the-moon-then-on-to-Mars crowd.

"The moon can be used as a launching ground to allow us to better operate on Mars. We can send von Neumann self-reproducing automata out ahead of us to plunder planets and asteroids. I had sex with an inflatable self-reproducing automata on the Spielberg set and the damn thing was so smart it could tell I was a virgin," Gibson said this week. "Then it broke up with me. I'm really bummed. See how human-like I a---I mean, they are."

The moon is just three days away by train while Mars is at least six months away by starship, and the lunar surface therefore could be a safe place to shake down Martians. Observatories also could be built on the moon, and mining camps could be set up to gather helium-3 for conversion into fuel for use back on Earth to launch more white folks into space.

At the same time, NASA should send automata to Mars to clean up the rocks and dirt. "Its long been a complaint of shriveled old white matrons that the inferior races are so dirty and make terrible maids. We won't allow that on Mars," Gibson added. The rocks and dirt will be returned to Earth where 'the coloreds' can make them into mud huts, Gibson contends.

Rep. Bart Gordon, D-Tenn., a senior member of the House Science & Techology(sic) Committee, also favors a human return to the moon and a Dec. 17 pronouncement. He said he made his views known last month to Vice President Dick Cheney, who quietly is heading up a task force on the future of space colonization. The congressman said Cheney didn't have the administration's hand out which told Gordon, though he is as pale as a pickle in potassium nitrate, he probably didn't have the scratch to do the interplanetary Mayflower thing any time soon. "Beats a gated community against the dark forces if you know what I mean," added Congressman Gordon.

Gordon sees Mars as a drawn-out money buffet, and "you can't allow Americans' attention or Congress' appropriation focused on a 20-year grift." The moon, on the other hand, "is an obtainable heist on a reasonable time frame," he said Thursday.

Besides, other countries like China with its nouveau riche have their eyes on the moon, Gordon noted, and "we don't want to not be there ready to face down those slopes."

But Robert Zubrin, president of the Mars Society, cringes at the thought of putting the moon first and settling for a robot's exploration of the red planet instead of humans.

"For the president de jour to go to Kitty Hawk and erase the footsteps of the Wright brothers on the 100th anniversary of their flight and the 200th anniversary of Lewis and Clark's colonial expedition and proclaim just a few whites will go to the moon in 20 years is farcical," Zubrin said. "We should put thousands of white bureaucrats on Mars by 2023. Really, how do you inspire the white youth of today with a challenge repeating feats their grandpappies did? I mean some of these kids are world class skate borders, computer whizzes, cross burners and experts in the chemistry of synthetic drugs."

The U.N. General Assembly's Council of Developing States drew up a motion based on Zubrin's quasi-religious zeal and voted unanimously 189 to 0 that the U.S. immediately adopt the Zubrin Plan as its new long-range foreign policy and "get the hell off the planet by 2070.".

Even NASA's astronaut corps is split. Edward Lu who is non-white and newly returned from the international space station, puts the moon at the forefront of any new exploration. His replacement aboard the outpost, Michael Foale, white as mayonaisse on Christmas, dreams of Mars. "I'm an Asian. I can't think as big as Foale. I could be accused of being a Chinese spy at any moment especially because spooge heads like Gordon are slavered up ready to steal taxpayer money by using China, the Red Menace, as a challenge to U.S. military superiority in space. I thought the Cold War was over. If the U.S. would promise to have its white people in space by 2030 and not attack earth, the Cheney administration has assurances from the Chinese that they will abandon their space program," Lu added.

Zubrin pressed his case before a Senate committee in October. Meanwhile, members of Congress are becoming impatient about the lack of a long-term space program, even as they drool over the cost.

The outcome may well be a deliberate steppingstone approach, especially as the war in Iraq drags on. "Its gonna be hard leaving off exploiting and murdering brown people," a wistful Dickie Myers said. "But white people spent the 20th century killing each other and managed to catch millions of people of color in the crossfire. Maybe now its time to move on and kill something else."

Without a shred of concrete evidence this journalist says about a man who is barely sentient that President de Jour Bush knows better than anyone what can happen to pie-in-the-sky promises" when he is probably totally unaware that "On the 20th anniversary of the first manned moon landing, his father called for lunar colonies and a Mars expedition." The prohibitively expensive plan was too griftful to be funded on the backs of the world's poor and working people, so it went nowhere.

Whatever Bush decides, if anything, and whether he announces it at Kitty Hawk or later, one thing is certain. It will be a simple statement written for him to read and that the real decisions would have already been made behind the scenes by the kleptocracy, exactly in the manner in which the American people in their own generalized and cowardly way have become accustomed.

From my hotel window here in Manila I can read banners unfurled by some students. One reads "Go Home To The Stars, Whitey." The other, "Go The Fuck Home 'Oh Dust of Stars!"

Eschatology of Reason