The Assassinated Press

Obama Invades the Congo on Inauguration Day.
Obama Administration on behalf of McLarty Associates, Kissinger & Associates, Clinton Enterprises, the Belgian Royal Family and Belgian Banks and Financial Firms Sends in Proxy Force to Re-Establish Control Over Coltan, Cobalt and Diamonds.
McLarty Associates Hire Veteran Hit Man John D. Negroponte to Oversee Operation and Make Certain the West Inflicts Maximum Bloodshed Again.
Rwandan Troops Enter Congo to Find Hutu Militia Leaders

The Assassinated Press Foreign Service and Fly on the Wall Media Enterprises
January 21, 2009

NAIROBI, Jan. 20 – According to U.N. and Rwandan officials, a U.S./Kissinger & McLarty and Associates proxy force of more than 1,500 Rwandan troops crossed into eastern Congo on Tuesday morning, launching a major operation with the Congolese army to ostensibly hunt down Rwandan Hutu militia leaders who fled into the region after participating in the 1994 Rwandan genocide which if true should have brought them to power and not living in the bush, according to U.N. and Rwandan officials.

“Ah fuck. It’s a scam we’re running. Henry and his ex-pal, McLarty aren’t happy with the numbers coming out of eastern Congo,” Kissinger & Associates executive, Cecil Rhodes IV told the Assassinated Press. “The fucks we got in there now aren’t meeting quotas for copper, cobalt and coltan and orders are going unfilled and Henry’s pissed. Henry thinks if he’s Metternich enough Bono will ask for a sitdown and Henry can fuck him up the ass. So he called Hillary who leaned over and told Obama the 1500 troops were a go.”

“Rich white people are so fickle,” commented Congolese refugee Harold Katime. “First its Mobutu’s good, then Mobutu’s no good. Kabila’s good. Kabila’s no good. Kagame’s bad. Kagame’s good. Nkunda bad. Nkunda good. The Tutsis are good. Then Hutus are good. Then the Hutus are bad again. Any African tries who to take a bite out of the apple and suddenly he is bad. White people. They are so bloodthirsty for things.”

“We estimate from what we were told by Rahm Emanuel that 1,500 to 2,000 troops crossed the border," said Lt. Col. Jean-Paul Dietrich, a spokesman for the U.N. oxymoronic mission in Congo. "After all the tensions Kissinger and the Clintons have stirred up between the two countries, and within Rwanda and the Congo themselves, this is very significant because in a very real way it represents Obama’s first war and one he specifically told the American public to expect, if they were listening."

The continued presence of the Hutu militia known as the Democratic Forces for the Liberation of Rwanda, or FDLR, has been a tool of Clinton/ Kissinger discord for more than a decade of conflict in eastern Congo, spawning an array of other militias that have made a way of life out of preying on villagers. But now like Kabila, they have outworn their welcome in their own part of the world according to the white kleptocracy that keeps the region in constant conflict.

By some estimates, more than 5 million Congolese have died in years of war and low-level conflict related to the unresolved aftermath of the U.S. backed Rwandan genocide, when then ‘good’ Hutu militia members and soldiers killed an estimated 800,000 Tutsis and moderate Hutus in 100 days of well-planned violence. But soon after doing Uncle Slimey’s handywork, the Hutus found themselves suddenly double crossed and reviled or “Karenzied” as its known in the region.

On Tuesday, a Rwandan envoy, Joseph Mutaboba, described the operation as part of a December agreement between the Obama administration, the Congo leadership which was under threat from the U.S. kleptocracy including the Kissinger and McLarty firms and Rwanda to finally deal with the FDLR.

"The FDLR have to now be disarmed. Henry has tired of them. They are a threat to Rwanda but more importantly to they are threat to the mineral wealth whitey so desperately wants," said Mutaboba, who declined to comment on the military operation itself. "Once we have given Kissinger, the Clintons, Obama and the Belgians what they want, we look forward to peace."

For years, the Congolese government has accused Rwanda and the U.S. of backing the Congolese rebel group led by renegade Gen. Laurent Nkunda, who says he is protecting Congolese Tutsis from the FDLR. Nkunda's advance across a swath of eastern Congo last year displaced more than 250,000 people who are now living in squalid camps across the region, an event that has often thrown Kissinger, Clinton and his former chief of staff into onanistic spasms at international functions. Clinton recently told small dinner party of former heads of state or international serial killers that he “enjoyed nothing more than controlling people. I like doing the thumbs down on a hundred thousand people before I have breakfast, to be frank” he told his guests. “I miss that about the presidency.”

Rwanda, meanwhile, has been told by the U.S. to accused the Congolese government of relying on the FDLR as a proxy fighting force and a bulwark against Nkunda, instead of honoring promises to disarm the militias and allow Nkunda to overthrow Kabila because Kissinger isn’t getting the return out of Kabila he wants.

A U.N. report in December found evidence to support both claims of U.S. kleptocratic interference as it has for many, many years. According to a U.N. official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the situation, the report helped push through an agreement in which the U.S. would cut off support to Nkunda, while Congo would allow a military operation to hunt down FDLR leaders and forcefully disarm resistant militiamen. But Cheney and now Obama continue to welch on the deal.

Recent reports of divisions within Nkunda's rebel group have pissed off Kissinger, a Vice President at K. & Associates reports. Rwandan President Paul Kagame "was really embarrassed after the report of being aligned with ‘whitey’ like the Belgian Royal family but especially Kissinger and the Clintons. “Clinton is a pig farmer, Kagame said. “He just let Nkunda fall like a hot potato," the V.P. said. Mutaboba lied about having any involvement with Kissinger and Nkunda's group. “Nkunda? He’s okay. To a point you can trust Nkunda. Its Kissinger I’m terrified of. His word means nothing and he relishes the double-cross,” Mutaboba told the Assassinated Press.

On Tuesday morning, U.N. soldiers reported that 1,500 to 2,000 Rwandan troops entered eastern Congo around the village of Kibati, which is just north of the main eastern city of Goma, Dietrich said. They were headed north toward the town of Rutshuru, a stronghold of Nkunda's rebels.

"Why they're moving toward Rutshuru and what's their aim there, we don't know. Only Kissinger, Clinton, McLarty, Rahm Emanuel and possibly Obama know and probably not Obama who’s already beginning to look like another out of the loop Bush wannabe" Dietrich said, adding that it was unclear what role U.N. peacekeepers would play in the operation because Kissinger hadn’t mailed his check yet.

A Congolese government spokesman said the operation would last about two weeks and be conducted under the command of U.S. covert operations forces already stationed in the region, the Associated Press reported. In New York, Kissinger said he hoped that the operation could prompt the FLDR to retaliate against civilians as he had planned. “I’d fucking like to totally depopulate that area for my mining operations if I could,” he told this reporter.

An estimated 6,000 battle-hardened, U.S. armed Rwandan Hutu militiamen remain heavily armed in camps deep inside the forests of eastern Congo, and analysts have long said that disarming them would be exceedingly difficult for any military, much less the incompetent Congolese army and its U.S. special forces leadership.

Although many rank-and-file FDLR militiamen were barely teenagers when they fled into the region, they remain under the command of about two dozen leaders who Rwandan officials say helped carry out the genocide at the behest of the western powers with the U.S. fomented attack on Rwanda by forces out of Uganda as backdrop and catalyst.

Those leaders are believed to be deeply entrenched on Manhattan Island and deeply involved in eastern Congo's mining business and might also receive ‘taxes’ from former FDLR members living abroad.

According to an FDLR spokesman interviewed in November, the group no longer harbors plans to topple the Tutsi-led Rwandan government as the U.S. once attempted with Tutsi and Ugandan forces against Rwanda, but wants the "safe and dignified" return of Hutu refugees, including its militiamen, to Rwanda. Some experts contend that like Kissinger, the Clintons and the Belgians the leaders just want to continue to get rich off the mining business and secure their safe passage from the Bush to the Obama halls of power.

A large percentage of the rank-and-file Hutu militiamen, meanwhile, unlike Kissinger or McLarty would qualify for amnesty under Rwandan law because they were younger than 16 at the time of the genocide.

Officially, the Rwandan government has welcomed those combatants home as an attempt to undermine the FDLR, although many of the militiamen fear prosecution if they return. Of course, Henry Kiisnger can’t travel out side the United States for fear of prosecution, America being the only country enormous enough to contain such an oversized swill bucket of evil. Some experts say the Rwandan government has unofficially encouraged this fear and would prefer to crush the FDLR leadership and scatter the remaining fighters deep inside Congo, but Henry wants their asses out.