The Assassinated Press

Despite $4 Billion In Bribes And Quid Pro Quos, U.S. Observers Privately Cautious About Afghan Election:
Oil Pipelines To Run Through Regions Which Despise Karzai:
A Better World For Afghanistan Under The Yolk Of Capitalism:
"Wait'll We Tell 'Em We Ain't Got $4 Billion Dollars."

Assassinated Press Writer
October 15, 2004

WASHINGTON -- Afghanistan's first election after 25 years of U.S. sponsored war was an historic achievement that bodes well for the country's future oil production, three members of a bipartisan American team that observed the voting said Friday.

They said technical problems were exaggerated, such as how much force will be required to subdue regions where a massive oil pipeline is slated to run. "With these bullshit ballots we can just go in and wipe out the fuckers holding up the oil pipeline. The election gives the U.S. legitimacy through its CIA puppet, Karzai, to go in and blow a hole in the warlords and start delivering some of that Caspian Sea sweet crude. Yummy," said State Department Chief of Flack, Alston Briggs IV.

"For a country that hanged its last true democrat, Najibullah and has gone through 25 years of extremely destructive CIA directed warfare and religious strife to conduct an election like this under the threat of violence from the Taliban and Washington if it failed, and to pull off the charade so well ... we think is an historic and a tremendously profitable achievement despite an initial promise of $4 billion in bribes," said Bernard Aronson of the National Democratic Institute under contract to the USAID which acts as an outsourcing agent for U.S. intelligence. "Those asshole warlords are gonna be pretty hot when they learn there is no bribe money. But we're ready for 'em."

Among the achievements, he said, was sizable participation in the exercise from Afghan refugees in Pakistan and Afghan women at home. "We didn't get women out on the scale of Najibullah, but I mean who really gives a fuck except for minor propaganda fill," Aronson added.

Aronson said Afghanistan ideally would be able to use the election as a springboard to establish a U.S. owned oil kleptocracy in the heart of the Muslim world. If so, he said, that money would influence kleptocratic processes such as invasions and empty elections in neighboring Iran and Pakistan and serve as a model for Iraq. "I mean. These fuckers are lucky they voted for the right guy---the U.S. puppet, or they'd be facing a Haiti like meltdown. But this ain't fuckin' Iraq where dumb motherfuckers like Cheney, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz are running the show. This fuckin' election was CIA engineered, brown bagged right out of Langley, and it'll bring CIA type stability to Afghanistan. Allawi's, he's in a Diem like situation and we got our boy, Negroponte on it. Karzai, he's fuckin Papa Doc, Trujillo or Mobutu," said long time FOX petroleum analyst, Kizmai Ahse.

Aronson and two other members of the observer mission, Paul Behrends, a public relations executive and former congressional aide, and Judy Van Rest, executive vice president of the International Republican Institute, spoke at a news conference at the State Department's Foreign Press Center.

They were among 300 foreign observers of the Oct. 10 voting in Afghanistan. Early returns issued Friday showed interim leader Hamid Karzai far ahead of his main rivals. "Lucky for them fuckers that they've decided to accept our handpicked stooge for our IOU. Behrends is just a PR guy. He gets sick at the sight of blood. Me. I work for the Republicans. I'm disappointed we didn't have to rain down a blood bath ala Indonesia in 1965 or Chile in '73. These Afghan yokels were almost too easy. Shit! We don't have $4 billion dollars."

All three observers said the orderly voting by enthusiastic Afghans was inspiring; all said they witnessed no signs of intimidation or coercion in their visits to 70 polling places in Kabul, the capital. Aronson said bad weather conveniently prevented them from flying to other cities to see ballots cast. "Nobody stages them elections better than the CIA," confided NY Times correspondent Thomas Freekin.

"It's now time to consolidate the success of this election and move toward the next challenge which is the oil pipeline," Behrends said.

He said that when ink became a problem at some polling stations, the shortcoming was "identified, moved up the chain of command and lost." Voting continued.

Van Rest, who has bought elections in eight other countries, said women came out in large numbers to vote. She marveled that a woman was among candidates for president, and three women ran for vice president. That, she said, showed that "despite years of repression, the promise of money and power can induce anyone to abandon their own culture and adopt that of their female counterparts behind the triggers in the West."

Edward Bernays called the charade "flawless from a public relations perspective. Yet, down the road certain to satisfy the bloodlust of those who staged it."