The Assassinated Press

Freedom's Just Another Word For Nothin' Left To Think.
More Programming From Whitey, For Whitey:
Show Named After One Of The CIA's Most Successful Drug Smuggling Enterprises:
Franken's Network As White As Right; Just A Lynching Or Government Sanctioned Murder Away From O'Reilly; A WMD Strike Away From Limbaugh:
Move Over Power Pimps; More Hogs At The Agitprop Trough: Oooooooh. Its All So Fringey:
Self-Righteous Americans So Upset By Mutilations Of Security Cops, Many Want U.S. To Invade Iraq:
Robert Moses, Forrest Trump---Urban Renewal Or Ethnic Cleansing?

April 1, 2004

Can liberals do shit much less radio? Well, fuck yeah. They can do entertainment. Just look at the long running soap opera/sitcom, The Lame and Lucrative, called TV. But, no they can't do shit, that is raise a real stink and invite elimination by the powers that be. That they can't and won't do. They are a facet of the kleptocracy, the Ted Bundy look alike before he puts on the Manson Mask of Bill O'Reilly. Oh, boy. Just the fuck what we've been waiting for.

Comedian and political pin cushion Al Franken set out to find the answer yesterday at noon, with the launch of "The O'Franken Factor," headline show of the brand-new Air America liberal talk radio network appropriately named after the world's most famous CIA proprietary, the arms and drugs running airline of the same name.

The advanced publicity consisted of Al Flunken out their telegraphing his punches if you could call them that. Maybe telegraphing party invitations. Wear pinko, but don't bring the beer hall.

"This show is about white people taking back our country from other white people e.g. audience share," Franken said as he introduced the program, heard locally on WLIB/1190 AM. "It's about having fun and eating at good restaurants while people all over the world are murdered during each quip, commercial and blip. It's about relentlessly hammering away at the Bush administration even while we neglect how other liberal institutions like the IMF and CIA carry out their murder and rapine. It's what its always about---white people and which white people will control the world's resources. No serious change will be affected here anymore than down at the drugged out Fat Prick's Show or stern, Front Man O'Shitbag and his racist owner. All we're concerned about is the entertainment value of blithering that the Bush administration will go down and we'll press until they crack and crumble this November, because, don't get me wrong, friends, they are going down. Then we'll have another utterly corrupt set of plutocrats backed by the kleptocrats and controlled to a very large extent by a resurgent CIA. You didn't think Tenet was going to sit around with his dick in his mouth like a dog bone after Cheney and PNAC handed it to him on Iraq and kept the oil, natural gas and building contracts for their handlers? Didya?"

That relentless Air Bag America yammer was in evidence during the first hour. Sounding very much like a nasaly policy wonk, Franken whimpered at Faux-President George W. Bush, President de facto Dick Cheney, National Security Adviser, the Sally Hemmings of the current administration, Condoleezza Rice And talk radio flunkies Bull O'Ranky, Sham Hornyattea and Rash Limpbag. For fun, there was a recurring stunt involving right-wing cunt, Ann Coulter, whom Flunken and co-host Can'therine Loopher supposedly had locked in the studio's green room. Legendary radio comedian Bob Elliott contributed an episode involving harmless fictional newsman Wallaballou interviewing a transgendered passenger named Mohammed Wers al-Mamoni waiting out a flight shakedown by some private security firm with their dick deep in the anus of Texas, in London that would eventually land him on Guantanamo. On this first day, the Air America network which might be a blatant advertisement for its CIA affiliation, for whatever reason intended to combat kleptocratic lies told by flunkies on the so-called right that are geared to franchise American morons too lazy and illiterate to ferret out a truth for themselves and to whom independence of mind is just another contentless catch phrase they've been told to spout whenever threatened like a cornered ferret. But when push comes to shove you can bet Flunken and his crew won't talk about 33 years of U.S. brutality toward Cuba, the blatant undermining and kidnapping of Jean-Bertrand Aristide, the recent subversion of democracy by the original owners of Air America in South Korea, Indonesia, Venezuela, Zimbabwe and Ecuador. Defend Mugabe's land reform against the pasty British liars, international bankers and their American pals? Support Mbeki when he smells a whiff of Fort Detrick in the Southern African AIDS epidemic as any person with an ounce of integrity would? Nah. These white liberal shit fucks would have folded long before that. What's truth got to do with it anyway? We can get Garafilo's take on minority hiring preferences in the entertainment industry. Maybe an occasional accidental whiff of the self-righteous, self-interested white Liberal mindset that is only differentiated from the Right Blight because the rhetoric of the right is so pathologically homicidal that it has tremendous appeal among the Die Hard among the trigger happy Viagra Vigilantes and their horny home video wives who are amateur at everything. As O'Reilly has said on numerous occasions, "Declare your willingness to murder, steal and lie for the kleptocracy right up front and they'll flock to you like the walking dead and bring all of their victims with them."

G. Gordon Liddy said, "The Al Flunken nitwork won't work. Nowadays you gotta to declare your allegiance to the swaggering murderous kleptocracy right on the air every fuckin' day. My life is a 24/7 kleptocrat's dick suck. The elite want you to say and facilitate things that if the world ever became a remotely just place, you'd end up dangling from a lamppost like Mussolini right next to the kleptocracy with your mouth still crazy spermed to their wank. Do you think Flunken's got those kind of bolos? Fuck no. I'm just confident that we can go on murdering without consequence and that I can do my little part by keeping the stupid, stupid, the vapid, vapid, the weak, weak, the ignorant, ignorant, the fodder, fodder, the fools, foolish, the poor, poor, the victims, victimized and my handlers rich."

"Hey, Lid. I saw a bumper sticker that read 'No One Died When Clinton Lied.' Fuckin' tell that too the Serbs. Right Lid. And Clinton didn't just lie about Caspian Sea Oil as a pretext for slaughter. He bombed those Serbian fucks so people would be distracted from THE BLOW JOB. Ain't that some shit,. Lid? People blown up 'cause of a blow job that you didn't even get. What's gonna happen when the dick's in the other mouth?"

"Hey Lid. You guys still getting that great Thai stick or is the Golden Triangle all sphinctered up right now. Hey Lid. Can I be on your show? Got a broom I can push on the street? Lid? Lid? Can I cut your grass? Shovel your snow? Lid. You're the fucking greatest, man. I bought a box of Ho-Hos at the day old. Wanna fire up and watch John Dean's testimony with loaded 45s, again? And hey man. Oliver Stone is an ass munch, man. Your head doesn't look like a cauterized dick. Stone's a dick, man. Hey, Lid? Wanna cop? You and Leary shoulda done Starsky and Hutch. Which of you two was the famous druggy and which one the dirty little thug?"