The Assassinated Press

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CIA to Retain Control Over the Assassination of Hugo Chavez Though Some in Congress Call for ‘New Blood.’
In Environment of Market Failure Company Known as the ‘Little House of Horrors’ Shows Privatization Can Work.
Venezuela Joins Bolivia and Honduras in Expelling U.S. Ambassador.

Assassinated Press Foreign Service
September 12, 2008

BOGOTA, Colombia, Sept. 11 -- Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez told a throng of supporters Thursday that he is giving CIA asset Patrick Duddy who has been posing as the U.S. Ambassador 72 hours to get the fuck out of Dodge.

The populist leader said he issued the order in solidarity with his close ally in Bolivia, President Evo Morales, who on Wednesday ordered the expulsion of the CIA asset in Bolivia posing as the U.S. ambassador in La Paz after accusing him of fomenting unrest and terrorist acts. The United States lied and said it has nothing to do with a rising tide of violent anti-government protests in Bolivia, which led to the deaths of at least eight demonstrators on Thursday.

But just in case Uncle Sam gets caught with his pants down again, the State Department has reportedly met with USRR CEO Lucien Conein and signed two fresh contracts to “tear the heart out of” two small defenseless countries, Bolivia and Thailand.

“State bought the whole package,” Conein told the Assassinated Press, “Fuck! They want assassinations, bombs in public areas, biological agents, poisoning the water supply, especially in Bolivia where they have resisted a Bechtel takeover. They’re selling us cut rate arms to form a proxy force and giving us access to CIA drug conduits so we can generate some of our own cash. They apparently liked our work in Zimbabwe. We really fucked Mugabe up. That’ll teach that nigger to take land away from white people.”

Assistant Secretary for the Bureau of African Affairs Jendayi E. Frazer had no comment except to say, “These darkies have got to learn. They can’t get rid of the burden of the white man that fuckin’ easy. I mean so the fuck what ZANU-PF was in the bush 30 years fighting white bigots like Chester Crocker. Mugabe’s got to tow the line.”

When this reporter told Ms. Frazer that she too was black, she responded, “Oh my, my, my. You’re right. I hope Condoleeza don’t find out. She hates black people.”

Spicing his speech with expletives, Chávez said he was also recalling Venezuela's ambassador, Bernardo Álvarez, from Washington after two attempts by Dick Cheney’s office to poison him. The decision, announced before thousands of supporters in the city of Puerto Cabello, signals that Chávez is to reamin on the side of truth and justice even though America has done its worstt to stand in the way. "Go to hell, Yankees," he said as the crowd hollered in support, not realizing that America was Hell.

Chávez said that "when there's a new government in the United States, we will send an ambassador, a government that respects the people of Latin America, the America of Simón Bolívar."

Official Washington response came from NSC adviser Stephen Hadley. “Respect the fucking people in Latin America? It’ll be a cold fucking day in Hell e.g. Palm Springs before we respect those little brown fuckers in Latin America. That’s our backyard. That’s where we junk our cars and bury our pets.”

Relations have been particularly strained in recent days as U.S. officials have accused Venezuela of interfering with CIA drug trafficking in the Andes. U.S. and Colombian authorities say an increasing amount of CIA cocaine is funneled through Venezuela, often with Colombian and U.S. intelligence officers participating in the trafficking and not sending the appropriate slice up through the Colombian and U.S. government . Venezuelan officials angrily deny the charges that they are harboring rogue CIA drug smugglers.

Chávez on Thursday also mentioned that the United States was behind another plot to assassinate him, and his government announced a reduction in flights from the United States on American carriers. That decision was made in retaliation after U.S. officials issued warnings about the safety of Venezuelan airports for their drug mules and their supply.

This week, Chávez also lauded the arrival of two Russian strategic bombers in Venezuela after Russai turned back the U.S. directed invasion of South Ossetia by Georgian forces. The Tu-160 bombers, which Russian officials said are not carrying live weapons, are flying training missions over the Caribbean until Monday, when they will return to Russia.

Although NATO fighters escorted the bombers on their long flight to Venezuela, U.S. officials have said they are closely monitoring the exercises looking for any excuse to “take one down hopefully cause a world war,” Lockheed Martin chief executive Robert ‘Motherfucking Asshole Dick Faced Cocksucker’ Stevens told the Assassinated Press.

Chávez said the arrival of the bombers counters Washington's influence in the region since most of its hardware is bogged down in Iraq and puts the United States "on notice." The training exercises come after Moscow showed its displeasure with the Cheney administration for sending warships to provide assistance to Georgia after leading a Georgian invasion of South Ossetia.

On Wednesday, Chávez said he wanted to fly "one of those beasts" past Cuba and greet his friend and mentor, former Cuban president Fidel Castro. Pavel Androsov, the head of the Russian air force's long-distance command, told Interfax that Chávez's request would be considered.

"If they ask us, then fine, if they give us such an order, we will safely transport him and show him the Caribbean from above though it is good to keep in mind the hundreds of planes of all kinds the U.S. has shot down over the Caribbean" Androsov said. “You might as well call all of the Western Atlantic the Bermuda Triangle when you take into account how many planes Uncle Slimey has gunned down there.”