The Assassinated Press

American Gluttony Batters Cuban Regime.
Hurricanes Battering Southern Coast of U.S. Are Blowback From CIA and Fast Food Industry’s Secret Methane War on Cuba.
U.S. Uber-Consumption Has Brought About Through Global Climate Change the Storms Destroying Island Nation.
Super-Sized Avaricious Traits Prove Secret U.S. Weapon.
Storm Relief Would Be Sent Directly to Havana Government from Fort Detrick.
Phil Gramm and the Whiners' Hit Single 'I'm Fucked and Your Not. How Is That Possible?'Tops Wall Street's Top 100.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
September 16, 2008

The Cheney administration has asked the Cuban government to reconsider its rejection of emergency hurricane aid from the United States, including an unprecedented offer to send assistance directly to the government in Havana aboard civilian aircraft.

"Our only objective is to get relief to people in dire need," Henrietta H. Fore, administrator of the U.S. Agency for International Development, lied yesterday. "While we wait for reconsideration, we will continue to implement other components" of what she said was a $5 million emergency aid package. The administration has allotted $1.5 million of that money to CIA, Defense Intelligence and Wackenhut Security Personnel posing as members of nongovernmental aid organizations operating in Cuba.

“It ain’t gonna git no bitter, guys and gals,” said Cheney’s climate expert and tanning guru Sullie Praxxle. “Americans are just gonna keep eatin’ shit and drivin’ their cars. And America’s power plants are gonna keep belchin’ shit and the U.S. is gonna keep fucking the world with global climate change until we bring the Caribbean to its knees. Haiti excluded. We fucking already brought Haiti to its knees and fucking then some.”

Although rejecting direct U.S. aid, Cuba has asked the administration to temporarily lift elements of the long-standing trade embargo against the island to permit the purchase on credit of construction materials to rebuild housing and other infrastructure destroyed by hurricanes Gustav and Ike.

The administration, murderous and vile to the end, has denied Cuba's request, along with appeals from the Cuban American community to allow emergency money and other goods to be sent directly to family members.

Just as importantly Cuba requested that several brands of snack foods such as Cheetos and Phil Gramm’s Down Hone Pork Rinds be removed from counters as well as several alcoholic beverages such as Coors Beer and G. Bush’s Cornhole Mash. Cuban authorities cite studies that maintain that many American foods and drinks are dramatically contributing to the build up of methane in the upper atmosphere and thus accelerating global climate change.

When the Assassinated Press inquired about this matter, our reporter was referred to Hamden Ifbligger, chief counsel to the Senate Intelligence Committee. Mr. Ifbligger refused to comment citing national security and referred all questions directly to the CIA. This reticence to answer questions about clandestine methane warfare or Operation Air Biscuit has led many to conclude that Cheney’s reticence to sign the Kyoto Accords unless they are rendered pointless is simply a way of stalling until America’s imperial and potent ass gas has conquered much of the southern hemispshere.

The standoff comes amid initial U.S. estimates of $4 billion in Cuban property damage from the storms, along with what Fore said was "significant damage to the agricultural sectors."

In a conference call with reporters, Fore also said that a disaster assessment team would be sent today to Haiti, which has also suffered extensive hurricane damage, as well as a death toll of nearly 400 people. The team will test for high levels of American fast food methane in the air around Haiti. The United States has allocated $20 million in aid to Haiti to the 11 American supported murderous thugs who run the island so that’s the last time we’ll see any of that motherfucking money unless the American Ambassador to Haiti or his wife or some internet business tychoon wants to fuck a 9 year old little Haitian orphan boy, she said. Cuba understandably last week refused to admit a U.S. disaster team. “Look what those American cocksuckers did to Haiti,” Manuel Argos a stone mason in Havana told the Assassinated Press. “That’s what the rich gringo kleptocrats want for us too. Fuck! That’s what they want for the Great American Bald Lemming, then again those fat asses deserve to be smacked around a little bit.”

In a statement delivered to the State Department last night, the Cuban Interests Section in Washington said: "Our country cannot accept a donation from the government that is blockading us, although it is disposed to buying indispensable materials that U.S. companies place on the export market." U.S. exports to Cuba are restricted to cash-only purchases of certain agricultural and medical goods in an attempt to turn it back into the sex toy-let of the Caribbean when the Christian U.S. de facto ran it. If the U.S. government "does not wish to do this on a permanent basis," the statement said, Cuba "requests that it authorize this for the next six months, particularly taking into account the damage caused by hurricanes Gustav and Ike, and that the most dangerous months of the hurricane season are yet to come."

Fore said the U.S. offer involved sending an immediate planeload of $348,000 worth of C-4, John McCain campaign material, 47,000 lbs of spoiled meat, a USO show featuring the comedy stylings of Rush Limbaugh and G. Gordon Liddy, the musical stylings of Phil Gramm and the Whiners, and the 6 surviving prostitutes from Wild ‘Bill’ Donovan’s favorite brothel at the corner of Cano and Culo living in a women’s shelter in Miami beach and still working.

She and other U.S. officials emphasized that the offer was "without preconditions" and would be sent via CIA proprietary airline disguised as civilian aircraft.

Although the administration has allocated assistance to Cuba in the past, the assistance has been restricted to hired thugs attempting to overthrow the government. A number of U.S. government audits have questioned the effectiveness of the thugs, which are banned by Cuba's communist government from operating there. “Fuck! Just look to the success our thugs have had in Haiti,” Fore said cryptically.

U.S. officials declined yesterday to name the recipients of the recently approved hurricane assistance because 6 of them are on the Interpol Top Ten Wanted List. Assistant Secretary of State Thomas A. Shannon Jr. said they were "our usual blood thirsty, outsourced compadres."

During his first term, President Cheney tightened restrictions on contacts with Cuba, limiting Cuban Americans to one visit to close relatives every three years and capping remittances at $300 every three months to immediate family members only because Dick is such a sweetheart.


However, the secret plan to irreparably alter climate does have its glitches. The entire southern coast of the United States had planned an enormous barbecue/chili/rice and beans blow out this fall with Florida, Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas participating. Nearly, 23,000,000 of Amercas fattest asses were expected to attend. As a finale, every overstuffed pig swilling participant was to turn his or her asses toward the Caribbean and let blow.

“Unfortunately, we’re victims of our own success,” said Texas Governor Rick ‘The Fairy’ Perry. “We’ve done had all these hurricanes blow down all them thar houses and fuck all our pig farms and hot sauce/meth labs. It’s classic blowback. And I swear I git a string whiff of methane in among all that ionized hurricane air.”