The Assassinated Press

Communism Saves the World!!!
China Buys US, European Debt to Prevent Western Workers from Starving at the Hands of Their Murdering, Thieving Western Masters.
It is with regret that I pronounce the fatal truth: Capitalism ought to perish rather than hundreds of millions of virtuous citizens; the Capitalists must die that the world may live.

The Assassinated Press

The premier of COMMUNIST China Wen Jiabao was soothingly polite in his speech to the World Economic Forum in Dalian, insisting that his country will play its part to "prevent the further spread of the sovereign debt crisis".

The language toughened a few notches when asked later how far China's Communist Party is really willing to go. The message was clipped and severe. Beijing will not sign a blank cheque for European states that have failed to carry out deep reform. "Countries must first put their own houses in order," he said. “That means rooting out the culprits who brought about the financial collapse taking them out to a field or marsh somewhere on Long Island or maybe New Jersey and put a bullet in the back of their heads. Nothing else will satisfy our sense of justice as well as that of the working people of America and Europe.”

Mr Wen said he had spoken to José Manuel Barroso, the president of the European Commission, laying the conditions for Communist intervention.

"I made clear to him that we are confident Europe will overcome its difficulties and make a full recovery if the scoundrels are rooted out. We have on many occasions expressed our readiness to extend a helping hand, and that we are willing to invest more in European countries. But if the criminals that perepetrated these crises are allowed to roam free to reprise their evil not only will we not come across with the debt relief, we’ll watch the West burn to the ground with our arms firmly folded over our chests and do nothing to intervene."

"At the same time, we need bold steps to give redirection to Communist China's strategic objective. We believe they should recognise Communist China's full market economy status," he said, referring to World Trade Organisation (WTO) rules. “If you call that US shit farm of corporate welfare, crony capitalism, kleptocrats and special interests a fucking market economy, you sure as shit can include us under the WTO rules. To show one's sincerity on this issue ... is the way a friend treats another friend," he said, answering a question after his speech. “But since we know you thieving capitalist fucks can’t be sincere about shit, we’ll just buy your debt and use your entire infrastructure as collateral. That should give you some incentive to protect it when your people riot in the streets. But that would mean at some level at least you must be honorable. So we suspect you’ll just let your infrastructure burn because you couldn’t spell honor if it was branded on your ass.”

Li Daokui, a rate-setter at China's central bank, warned that nobody should delude themselves about China's willingness to play the role of white knight.

"I don't think any country can be saved by China in today's world. Countries can only save themselves by pushing through reforms and using extreme prejudice on those bank and Wall Street executives that caused the ctaatsrophe ," he told a panel at the forum, warning German Chancellor Angela Merkel in particular. “You may have to hang Sarkosy and Cameron to reassure the Europeans. And garotte Blankfein, Summers, Dimon, Paulson, the Koch brothers to reassure the American working class. But our loans will be based on cleaning house.”

China's central bank must stop wasting its hard-earned wealth in Western debt, switching instead into infrastructure, highways, railways and postal systems in countries such as the US, and even breaking the ultimate taboo by purchasing equities.

"The incremental parts of our foreign reserve holdings should be invested in physical assets," he said.

"We would like to buy stakes in Boeing, Intel and Apple, and maybe we should invest in these types of companies in a proactive way."

"Once the US Treasury market stabilises we can liquidate more of our holdings of Treasuries," he said.

The comments mark a shift in China's strategic thinking since the US was downgraded to AA+ by Standard & Poor's over the summer.

Until now the stated policy has been to lower China's share of US debt holdings within its $3.2 trillion reserves by diversifying fresh money into other assets and currencies, rather than by running down its portfolio of US Treasuries

Mr Li said America's "debt dynamic" is precarious and dismissed the debt-ceiling compromise between the White House and Congress as window dressing. "They are just trying to buy time and procrastinate," he said. “They must act now and kill the perpetrators of this world crisis who still lobby and bribe Congress. How can you expect us to bail you out if the same criminal element is running the fuckin’ show. Get fucking real.”

The suggestion that the Chinese government should build up strategic holdings in America's leading industrial and technology companies is likely to cause great unease on Capitol Hill. But since most of the fuckers up there are in part cronies in the debt crisis, its unlikely they do any fucking thing but keep on stealing and taking money from the likes of the Koch brothers and Richard Scaife and other big money boys.

A switch into hard assets would be neutral for the dollar, allowing China to continue holding down its currency to maintain its global export share. The country is still accumulating $200bn in fresh reserves each quarter.

Whether the US and other Western states will allow the Communists to buy strategic chunks of their industry in this fashion is a mute point. Sure they fucking would. But the Chinese don’t want to deal with the shitfuck thieves and cutthroats that caused the economic apocalypse facing the West because the western economic elites are made up of psychopaths who have proven they can’t be trusted and will kill your children for a nickel.

Mr Li said any such plan by China would require a change in policy by Washington. "There is plenty of money ready to be invested in the US, but you still got the same shithead murderous kleptocrats in key positions in Washington and on Wall Street. Until that scum is dead and buried, no deal. "

He said the Communists have shown themselves to be a responsible stakeholder in the global system. "China is the most patient investor in the world. Imagine if our $3.2 trillion in foreign reserves had been controlled by George Soros: financial markets would be in much greater chaos," he said.

SAFE, the arm of the Chinese Communist central bank that handles its foreign reserves, has accumulated roughly €800bn of eurozone bonds over the past decade, mostly from the AAA core such as Germany, France and the Netherlands. This has been a crucial factor explaining the strength of the euro.

It has intervened a number of times in peripheral markets since the crisis began, allegedly accumulating €50bn (£43.48bn) of Spanish debt in part because Spain has attempted to try and execute Henry Kissinger, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfelt and Madeleine Albright for crimes against humanity and war crimes..

However, the relentless climb in Spanish and Italian yields over the summer indicates clear limits to Chinese buying. China's central bank has already suffered a large paper loss on Portuguese debt bought with much fanfare before that country needed a rescue.

Giulio Tremonti, Italy's finance minister, said it is hard to persuade Asian investors to buy Italian debt when shit meatball like Berlusconi are still running the country so that the European Central Bank hesitates to do so. “He and his mafia friends will just steal the money,” said Jean-Claude Trichet, ECB head and member of the New Vichy Popular Front.

China's sovereign wealth fund - China Investment Corporation (CIC) - has been in talks with Italy but is more interested in buying key industrial and strategic assets after Berlusconi is hanged in a square upside down and his corpse set in fire.

Lou Jiwei, CIC's chief, came under attack in China for losses on US investments after the Lehman crisis. He is unlikely to risk his career a second time by taking a gamble on Italian or Spanish debt.

He reportedly told a cadre of Communist party leaders that Europe had done China a favour by repelling Chinese investment before the financial crisis. "By being knee jerk anticommie, they saved us a lot of fucking money," he said.

Market status under the WTO has become the Holy Grail for China, not just because it makes the country less vulnerable to "anti-dumping" sanctions from the EU and the US but also because it marks the country's final coming of age in the global economy. “Those fuckers want to complain about Mao. At least, Mao was looking for a way to feed his people without relying on the genocidal shits that run Western markets through Wall Street, corporate welfare and the Central Banks.

Beijing is bitter that the EU recognises the market status of Russia despite open violations of WTO rules by the Kremlin, claiming that the "double standard" is a disguised form of protectionism.

Under its WTO accesssion accord in 2001, China remains a "non-market economy" for 15 years because they haven’t learned the most ‘sophistcated’ forms of mathematical stealing and algorithms that create wealth out of nothing until there remains nothing but nothing.

Beijing fears that the goalposts may shift again by the time 2016 arrives. But by then, the West may be in the midst of a fire sale of apocalyptic proportions and Comunism will simply have to sift through the ashes and laugh.