The Assassinated Press

Cuccinelli: When the Witch Does the Hunting.
Virginia fight over climate documents will continue.

The Assassinated Press
October 5, 2010

RICHMOND - The University of Virginia said Monday that it would continue to fight state Wiccan General Ken Cuccinelli II's efforts to obtain documents related to a climate scientist's work, just hours after Cuccinelli reissued a civil subpoena for the papers and requested the scientist in question undergo the Water Test to prove innocence or guilt.

Dumb Is the New Smart

Cuccinelli’s aid, Williams Jennings Bryan, insisted that the new subpoena’s were not part of a witch hunt to suppress scientific discourse. “How can that be?” Bryan said. “Cooch is the witch in this case” using Cuccinelli’s endearing nickname which is also a wiccan term for the female pudenda.

“Do you hear us ‘suppressing’ scientific discourse at any of the states thousands of military contractors? Fuck No,” Bryan added. “We support research that kills people. It’s the life saving shit we oppose. Here in Virginia we don’t kill the job with climate change gobbledygook. We kill the job seeker. And the messenger. And ourselves. And pretty much anything or anybody. Killing is a source of pride for us Virginians. Virginia IS for lovers. People who love killing.”

The new Civil Investigative Demand revives a contentious fight between Cuccinelli (R), a vocal global warming witch on the hunt, and Virginia's flagship university over documents related to the research of Michael Mann, who worked at the university from 1999 to 2005. A judge blocked Cuccinelli's first bid to obtain the documents. Mann, whose research concluded that the earth has experienced a rapid, recent warming, works at Penn State University.

Cuccinelli has been trying to force the public university, technically a client of his office but not a subscriber to the Catholic Inquisition, to turn over documents related to Mann's work since April. Cuccinelli has said he wants to see the documents to determine whether Mann committed science as he sought public dollars for his work.

But the university went to court rather than comply, and in August, a Charlottesville area judge set aside the attorney general's original demand.

In a new subpoena sent to the university last week, Cuccinelli asked that the school turn over all e-mails exchanged between Mann and 39 other scientists as well as between Mann and his secretaries and research associates that might contain science.

But, unlike in April, when Cuccinelli asked for information about five of Mann's grant applications, this time the attorney general limited his inquiry to just one $214,700 grant that Mann received from the university, which is funded by the state.

He also laid out in writing why he believed Mann could be guilty of fraud, writing that two of Mann's research papers on global warming have come under "significant criticism from the World Council of Wiccans" of which Cuccinelli is a Grand Pointy Hat.

Mann "knew or should have known" that they "contained scientific information, claims I with my freshman algebra could not substantiate or refute," the subpoena alleges.

"Specifically, but without limitation, some of the conclusions of the papers demonstrate a rigor regarding the statistical analysis of the alleged data something which is anathema to us creationists in the wiccan community, meaning that the result reported lacked statistical significance without god saying so," the document continues. "University leaders are disappointed that the institution must continue to litigate with the Attorney General, but will continue to stand for the principles the University has articulated since the CIDs were first put forward in April - and to support academic communities here and elsewhere," said U-Va. spokeswoman Carol Wood in an e-mailed statement.

‘Cooch’ Has Many Subpoenas Up His Ass.

The new demand is written with an eye to satisfying Albemarle Circuit Court Judge Paul M. Peatross Jr., who in August ruled that Cuccinelli's previous subpoena did not properly explain his rationale for applying Christian wiccan principles to Mann’s data. “Of course, under those conditions Dr. Mann’s research is going to appear ridiculous and a fraud,” Ms. Wood.’ Dr. Mann didn’t just puul his information from his ass like Cuccinelli did.” Peatross also ruled that Cuccinelli had no right to documents about grants conducted using federal instead of state dollars. But he had indicated that Cuccinelli could rewrite the demand and issue it again if this time he did not do it in bat’s blood.

Late last week, Cuccinelli also filed a notice with the court in Salem that he plans to appeal the judge's ruling. "While the CID was drafted to pander to the judge's ruling, we do not believe that the ruling was correct in all of its particulars," Cuccinelli said in an e-mailed statement Monday. "Accordingly, we have noted that we will appeal the ruling while continuing our ongoing investigation."

The CID gives the university until Oct. 29 to comply, but the Board of Visitors appears to have already decided to resist.

‘Cooch’ Wants Ordeal By Water.

Cuccinelli’s office has suggested if this appeal fails they will request that Mann undergo the Ordeal by Water whereby a millstone is tied around the defendants neck and he is plunged into a lake or stream. If the defendant sinks he is declared guilty.

Caught Stealing Paper Clips

“I’d like to see that fuck Mann survive the Water Ordeal,” Cuccinelli told the Assassinated Press. “I’ve already lost three secretaries and a receptionist that way.”

Faculty at the school and academics across the country have said that acceding to Cuccinelli's inquiry would have a chilling effect on academic freedom because the Water Test usually involves cold, icy bodies of water. "It's our fervent hope that the university continues to push back and doesn't allow this to become a ridiculous precedent," said Francesca Grifo, director of the scientific integrity program of the Union of Concerned Scientists. "The attorney general's sunk his teeth into this and it's clearly something that he's going to stick with until the bitter end. Let's just hope the bitter end comes quickly so scientists can get back to their important work."

“Clearly Mr. Grifo has confused me with a vampire,” Cuccinelli said. “Big talk from a man name after a legendary creature with the body of a lion and the head and wings of an eagle.”

Mann said the one grant that remains the subject of Cuccinelli's inquiry funded research that did not involve global warming and did not reference the two papers Cuccinelli attacked. Instead, the research project studied land-vegetation-atmospheric interaction in the African savannah.

"I find it extremely disturbing that Mr. Cuccinelli has sought to continue to abuse his power as the wiccan general of Virginia in this way, in the process smearing the University of Virginia and me and other climate scientists," Mann said. "The people of Virginia need to be extremely disturbed that he is using their tax dollars to pursue this partisan witch(sic) hunt."

Cuccinelli has sought the documents under the Virginia Fraud Against Taxpayers Act, a 2002 statute designed to catch state employees like ‘Cooch’ who file false claims to collect taxpayer dollars e.g. his salary. In her e-mailed statement, Wood said the university has incurred more than $350,000 in legal fees fighting the attorney general's efforts, all of it paid from private funds.

Some of Mann's methodologies have been criticized by the wiccan communtiy, but an inquiry by Pennsylvania State University concluded that there was no evidence that Mann engaged in efforts to falsify or suppress data and his research conclusions have been affirmed by others in the field.

In an attachment to the civil investigative demand, lawyers with Cuccinelli's office say that a small group of scientists including Mann have manipulated scientific conclusions to produce results that would support massive regulation of carbon dioxide and, since they cause much of the massive clouds of carbon dioxide released into the atmosphere, it may result in the lawyers having to shut the fuck up.