The Assassinated Press

Charles Koch Cuts Off Thumbs with Power Saw
Koch While Sawing Up Bodies of Dead Prostitutes, Miss Americas, Playboy Bunnies, Trannies and Ballerinas with his Brother David, in David’s Park Avenue Apartment Severs his Last Connection with Humanity

The Assassinated Press

As reported in the lamestream press, as Sarah Palin so vividly describes it, David Koch, nominal head of the Koch clan and champion of liberal causes such as late term abortion, gay marriage and survellance as long as its not me, has three months to live.

This is due to a reoccurrence of his prostate cancer which prompted him to fund The Cancer Institute to find a cure for himself and sell that cure to a cancer ridden nation made even more so by the vigorous metastization of Koch Industries and its policy of pollution before people.

“Koch Industries strive to be the number one disposer of Americans, “ David Koch told the Assassinated Press on the day it bought Cradle to Grave Crematoria Inc., the largest body disposal system in the world.

On a lesser note, when David Koch was re-diagnosed with Prostate cancer, he faced another disposal problem. Koch had squirreled away several dozen young women that he used over the years as sex slaves. His private female detainees or guests, taking a page from Luis Bunuel’s film ‘Exterminating Angel’, were concealed behind a trap door in his wife’s dressing room in their Park Avenue condominium.

But with the onslaught of his cancer he was faced with the problem of disposing of the young women aided by his brother, the mayor’s office and the Park Avenue management.

It was at three AM, after 39 straight hours of slicing and dicing young girls, some as young as 15, that Charles Koch met with his tragic accident in which he lost both of his thumbs. Surgeons attempted to reattach the thumbs but in the ensuing confusion and with the apartment littered with body parts, the wrong thumbs were sent along to the Koch Institute for Limb Reattachment. Charles Koch’s body rejected both of his random female thumbs.

In a frantic attempt to find other substitutes, a hospital orderly, two homeless transgients and a plastic surgeon had their thumbs removed and reattached to Koch. But all were rejected by Koch. And who says wealth acquisition isn’t genetic? Eh. Bill Shockley.

Upon hearing the news, Mayor Bloomberg rushed to Charles Koch’s bedside where he was told of the disposal of some four dozen sex slaves, male and female, in David Koch’s Park Avenue apartment.

Bloomberg immediately held a news conference where he bestowed yet another Good Citizen award on the Kochs for helping rid the city of the scourge of prostitution of the non-metaphorical sort and awarded the Koch’s another 4 billion dollars in city contracts aimed toward driving low income residents into the East River.

Meanwhile, David Koch announced a ten million gift to the New York City ballet, even as several of their prima ballerinas are still reported missing according to New York Police Commissioner, Ray Kelly. New York’s Finest say they have no leads in the case but, working hand in hand e.g. holding hands with Homeland Security, they are pursuing a tie to terrorist activity at an Islamist orphanage in Mali and suspicious activity among Turkish cab drivers in Istanbul who are offering free bootleg copies of the NYC ballet company's version of Stravinsky's 'Petrushka' to their customers.

Charles Koch has made a full recovery sans thumbs and now insists on walking on all fours and eating foie gras straight from the can.