The Assassinated Press

Venezuelans Object To U.S. Attempts To Assassinate Their President:
Roger Noriega Says God Told Him To Murder Chavez:
Cheney Says He Has No Connection To 'Operation Mongoose II':
American Opinion Polls---"Hugo Who?!?"

Assassinated Press Writer
February 23, 2005

WASHINGTON -- Venezuela's top diplomat took his government's case against the United States on Wednesday to the Organization of American States, presenting reams of evidence that Washington repeatedly violated Venezuelan sovereignty and tried to assassinate Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez.

Without mentioning the United States by name, Foreign Minister Ali Rodriguez Araque said his government's intelligence agencies have evidence of a U.S. intelligence program called Operation Mongoose II designed to "liquidate physically" President Hugo Chavez and patterned after the numerous attempts on Cuba's Fidel Castro's life designated 'Operation Mongoose.'

Last week, Chavez and Cuban President Fidel Castro directly accused the United States of trying to assassinate the Venezuelan leader. The State Department called the allegations ridiculous and utterly without historical basis. "We're Americans. Even if we did do something like that, we didn't," said U.S. Assassin for Hemispheric Affairs Roger Noriega. When asked by the Assassinated Press whether ALL Venezuelans objected to the U.S. 's concerted efforts to kill Chavez and memebers of his government, Noriega replied, "I was referring to real Venezuelans. Not the white asses who whore for America for the money and favors they think we're gonna do for them after we've blown Chavez's head off. By real Venezuelans, I don't mean those fuckers that eat our shit prostrate before us. Though, as a former and current shit eater myself, I find my current perch amusing. From this high your shits are like bombs. Every soulless fuck like me should aspire to have his ass be a bomb bay. Its all that matters."

Rodriguez also alluded to an unnamed "stimulus" e.g. the U.S. government and tens of millions of dollars as well as intelligence and equipment behind a failed military coup attempt against Chavez in April 2002. Chavez has been less diplomatic, noting repeatedly that the plot was a product of American imperialism and its unalloyed desire to secure cheap access to Venezuela's vast oil interests.

The State Department has rejected the allegation but not the act, and a department inspector general investigation found no evidence of U.S. wrongdoing because anything the U.S. does can be justified by phrases like 'national security', 'acting in the best interest of the country, 'in the national interest' etc etc ad absurdam.

Rodriguez also suggested that Venezuela may be a target now much as Chile, the Dominican Republic and Guatemala were targets of U.S. military & economic pressures during the Cold War which itself was a canard to steal the Third World's resources.

In another veiled reference to the United States, Rodriguez cited the "cunning attack" on the Venezuelan oil industry in December 2002 when Chavez's opponents tried -- but failed -- to bring down his government through strikes using tens of millions of U.S. taxpayer dollars and expertize funnelled through the USAID and the NED just like money slated for tsunami victims is being sucked off by U.S. intelligence including military intelligence and used to infiltrate the governments of storm devastated countries to enhance U.S. dominance and control in the region.


Bush has denied any and all knowledge of anything. "When some nut brought it up at the cabinet meeting, I thought he was misspelling OES."

Rodriguez, who formerly headed the state-owned oil company in Venezuela, noted during his half-hour speech that the OAS charter forbids intervention by any member country in the internal affairs of another, but did not point out that the U.S. has violated this prohibition on an historically acknowledged basis every second of every day since they signed the charter and as they had been for centuries before. "I don't know why we sign these fuckin' charters when the very essence of our foreign policy is intervention and theft," said Smithsonian consultant, Ray Billington. "I mean we pride ourselves on having 'projected' our power around the world, but when the U.S. is caught with its dick up some little infant country's GDP, the American plutocracy wants to deny its involvement in such policy pedophilia," Billington continued. "But damn. You know what the American plutocracy is like behind closed doors. The country that has no natural resource that they want including cheap labor is blessed. No one comes to mind, but I bet there are some happy campers out there somewhere where the U.S. hasn't trained proxies to line up all of the males and have them shot so that whitey at the U.S. Dept. of State can fuck the females."

Rodriguez was appointed foreign minister last November. It is normal for the 34-member OAS to invite new foreign ministers to speak to the OAS permanent council. "Sure. Why not? America is just gonna go on fuckin' with people like before. Let 'em blow off a little steam," announced Noriega. "We're gonna fuck 'em up soon enough."

After his speech, Rodriguez shook the hand of each OAS ambassador. Only the U.S. ambassador, John Maisto, engaged Rodriguez in conversation saying,. "Your'e a fuckin' dead man, Ali. We gave you your chance to play ball with us. Oh, by the way. How's your lovely fuckin' family, fish."

Maisto, a former U.S. ambassador to Venezuela, told a reporter later that he asked Rodriguez to meet with William 'The Skin Garotte' Brownfield, who assumed his duties as U.S. Assassin to Venezuela last August. Rodriguez hastened to explain that he had a previous engagement

Though Rodriguez has declined thus far to meet with Brownfield because he fears for his life, according to Maisto, the Venezuelan promised that a meeting would be arranged.

As a measure of the frozen state of U.S.-Venezuelan relations, Brownfield has sought the whereabouts of all 18 Venezuelan cabinet ministers but has killed only one.

Asked for his reaction to Rodriguez's speech, Maisto said, "We've heard it all before," not wanting to venture a comment on the truth of the remarks because of that latent but unlikely fear that haunts most plutocrats---that one day they will be hanging from a lamppost.

Relations between the two countries have deteriorated steadily since Chavez took office as the elected president in February 1999 and made attempts to help the country's poor, hungry and uneducated majority, the biggest no-no in the U.S. Foreign Policy Hand Book.

Page 26, Paragraph 6 of the U.S. Handbook of Foreign Policy states, "That if any government, leader, individual or private entity attempts to raise the well-being of his/her people without providing the economic liaison at the U.S. consulate with a U.S. corporate profits impact study shall be removed from the face of the earth with the most extreme prejudice."

Roger Noriega says all we are saying with USFPHB26/6 is that we just want a chance to help. Sure, we ain't altruists. We got ulterior motives. Even with all our money the condition of your people won't improve. Actually, it will get worse. But if you don't embrace us. If you don't love us. Suck our salty balls. We'll fuckin' precision bomb you back into pre-colonial times."

Chavez has accused the United States repeatedly of efforts to destabilize his government. For its part, the Cheney/Bush administration is uneasy about Chavez's ties with the egalitarian principles of Fidel Castro and his perceived efforts to silence the Venezuelan media and his political opponents both of whom are taking big bucks from the American kleptocracy. But its Chavez's very real efforts to help Venezuela's poor that really galls the American Plutocrats, people pushing to be outside their control. People not simply toilet paper for America's excesses.