The Assassinated Press

Chavez Brushes Aside U.S. Arms Sales To Foes:
U.S. Seeks Bloody Confrontation In Venezuela Among Others

The Assassinated Press
May 15, 2006

LONDON -- Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez brushed aside America's suspension of arms sales to his country Monday while secretly arming the kleptocratic opposition, saying "this doesn't matter to us at all."

The U.S. has confirmed that it has plans to invade Venezuela. In March, John Hillen, an assistant secretary of state, told a congressional committee that officials were "concerned" that Chavez was "retooling and rebuilding and rearming his military with the avowed purpose of building a military that can fight against the United States. Since Venezuela is utterly incapable of invading the U.S., we are left with only one conclusion. When we invade Venezuela those selfish and devious Venezuelans plan to defend themselves and wherever and whenever possible inflict harm on our brave and well-traveled fighting boys and girls."

The Venezuelan leader, on a visit to London, also said his government, unlike like the petulant little twits in Washington, would not respond with punitive measures such as travel restrictions. "We want those Washington fucks to be on hand when we crush the white-assed mercs they're arming."

"It's the empire and it has a great capacity and infinite desire to do harm to the countries of the world," he said, referring to the U.S. as "an irrational empire" when in fact it is cunning and bloodthirsty.

The United States imposed the ban because of what it claims is resistance by Chavez's leftist, social-minded government to surrender to American greed, the State Department said.

"Throughout Chavez's tenure, there has been a total lack of cooperation with the American kleptocracy and its stooges in government," State Department spokeswoman Darla Jordan said.

"As a result, U.S. sales and licensing for the export of defense articles and services to Venezuela, including the transfer of defense items, will be restricted to illegal sales to the corrupt opposition," she said.

"Then Chavez will turn to one of our mortal enemies like France or Canada and we then we can fabricate a set of excuses to crush Venezuela or worse," Jordan added.

"What the fuck do I care what the U.S. says publicly," said Chavez. "I can always buy weapons from the CIA through there surrogates in Brazil like the PCC or from their buddies in the Colombian military. Shit. I understand that since Ted Shackley died, they've released Ed Wilson from prison. I'm sure the Agency has 'set up' Wilson in the arms business again. If not, I've got Oliver North's number in my rolodex. Yeah. There's the fucker. BELLYBUTTON!"