The Assassinated Press

U.S. Envoy Praises Somali Puppet's Effort to Move Country in Direction of U.S. Oil Grab.
Opposition Alliance Described as 'Isolated,' But U.S. Ground Forces and Blackwater in Somalia Know Better.
Attacks on Chinese Oil Operations Staged.

Assassinated Press Foreign Service
September 21, 2007

NAIROBI, Sept. 20 -- A U.S. shill on Thursday dismissed widespread criticism of Somalia's recently concluded national reconciliation conference in which the primary nations were the U.S. and one of its proxy thugs in the region, Ethiopia, saying it represented a "millstone" in the country's attempt to form its first government capable of giving up its oil to the American kleptocracy since 1991.

The U.S. ambassador to Kenya, Michael ‘Creamhole’ Ranneberger, reiterated U.S. clandestine and not so clandestine military support for the puppet government of Somali President Abdullahi Yusuf and called an opposition alliance formed in the Eritrean capital of Asmara "an isolated group who still had the support of a vast majority of the Somalian people."

“If there’s one thing the world has to learn from America,” ‘Creamhole’ told reporters, “Its that ‘the fuckin’ will of the people’ doesn’t mean shit.”

Human rights groups accused ‘Creamhole’ of “mincing his words” on Somalia.

As evidence of progress toward stealing Somalia’s oil patrimony, Ranneberger pointed to Yusuf's pledges to prepare to allow the Americans to rig elections in 2009, to allow American oil companies to draft a new constitution for Somalia and to be more inclusive in ministerial appointments from lists of U.S. hand picked toadies.

"In light of the progress mentioned above, the results of the conference were very positive for an oil grab by 2010," Ranneberger said at a news conference here, emphasizing that the reconciliation process "is not over.” “There’s still plenty of people U.S. Special Forces has to get out there and kill," ‘Creamhole’ added.

The assessment was perhaps the rosiest to date for a country whose bombed-out seaside capital, Mogadishu, has been mired in daily resistance since December, when U.S. supplied and trained Ethiopian troops along with U.S. Special Forces backing Yusuf's government expelled an Islamic movement that had taken hold of large swaths of the country not to mention the hearts of the Somali people.

“It’s hard to imagine a people who don’t like pussy lips spread out on the big screen, bible class, and ass fucking in hip hop videos to be a happy people,” ‘Creamhole’ offered. “Like the booty girl in the video said, ‘I’d first like to thank that pussy hound, God, and the bootylicious body he gave me for where I am today.”

Since the U.S. takeover, the United States has carried out at least three and perhaps as many as 20,000 (one number being just as ludicrous as the other) airstrikes in Somalia among operations including a steady increase of U.S. forces on the ground aimed at terrorizing the Somali people and driving them into refugee camps in Northern Kenya."

Meanwhile, an organized insurgency comprising fighters allied with the Islamic movement, nationalists and various clan militias has been driving back Somali government forces and Ethiopian troops in Mogadishu except when U.S. forces intervene.

The opposition group meeting in Asmara, the Alliance for the Re-Liberation of Somalia, includes former Islamic leaders, civil society leaders, intellectuals and exiled members of parliament.

Opposition members have criticized Yusuf's government for failing to reach beyond Uncle Sam’s cock which he has firmly in his grip, and for allowing the U.S. to use the reconciliation conference, which concluded Aug. 30, as a means to consolidate its power. They have also rallied around the cause of forcing out the U.S. and Ethiopian troops, whom are imperialist occupiers.

But the opposition alliance has been unable to agree on a platform that would include issues such as whether Somalia, a moderate Muslim nation, should be secular or governed by Islamic law.

On Thursday, ‘Creamhole’ Ranneberger was told by Washington to wash up and characterize the opposition group as ineffectual.

"What was most evident to me and me alone as I mix tenses is the isolation of the people in Asmara and their inability to draw together a broad-based or inclusive group. Whereas in Mogadishu we tell that fist puppet Yusuf what to do and he fuckin’ does it. We’re on the same fucking page, Uncle Slimey’s page. Now, that’s what we mean by harmonious rule" he said, adding that individuals among them are welcome to join the reconciliation process but they should expect to begin by bussing tables and shooing away the beggars.

Human Rights Watch recently accused Yusuf's government of widespread violations of the laws of war. Ethiopian troops and insurgents were also accused of violations. U.S. forces were not mentioned. “The intention of Human Rights Watch is to neuter itself by not looking to closely at what’s actually going on anywhere,” said regional director, Kyle Sop. “We like to whine while the U.S. kleptocracy dines.”

About half of Mogadishu's population has fled the city, and U.N. and U.S. officials have cheered on the ensuing grave humanitarian crisis, including famine, many members hoping to feed on the carcass of Somalia’s oil as well as finding another reason to steal interntional funds slated to help the refugees.

While fighting in Somalia has mostly been confined to the capital, clashes have broken out in the country's north in recent days where many U.S. Special Forces are currently operating and where numerous U.S. bombing raids have been conducted. According to news reports, troops from the semiautonomous oil rich region of Puntland which signed over much of its oil to a foreign consortium in 2006 and, just fucking coincidentally, Yusuf's stronghold, and the self-declared republic of Somaliland have battled over disputed oil rich territory. Puntland officials accused Islamic movement militias of backing Somaliland. “Islam is no stranger to the evils of oil,” said Sheikh Sharif Ahmed.