The Assassinated Press

IMF Warns Its New Grift of Iraq 'Imminent':
"Under U.S./IMF Tutelage, Iraq Will Be Another Haiti In No Time." 'Dr. Death' Negroponte Tells Hungry Bankers At Conference In Transylvania

Assassinated Press Economics Writer
July 1, 2004

WASHINGTON -- The International Monetary Fund warned Thursday that its formal round of 'incentives' to the new Iraq interim government is "imminent," a step that will clear the way for plunging Iraq into enormous debt and perpetual servitude to powerful U.S. and European interests.

IMF spokesman Thomas Dawson said that approaches to Iraq's new government, that have been going on on an individual basis for many months, would be made after consultation with key countries in the U.S. led and controlled international lending institution. Most of the 184 countries nominally part of the IMF will work as waiters, valets, prostitutes, cooks, drug dealers and bartenders at the American sponsored soiree in order to burn off some of their country's interest payments from enormous debts to the IMF. That process should be completed "in the very near future," he said, adding that "imminent is a fair characterization" of when it will occur.

The decision by the IMF's 24-member executive board would mean that Iraqi elites would begin receiving American taxpayers money through IMF and World Bank loans to disburse among themselves and kick back to western business and banking interests. At an international donor's conference on Iraq last October, then-IMF Managing Director Horst Koehler indicated the IMF could supply between $2.5 billion to $4.25 billion to Iraqi elites over the next three years with the expectation that 90% of it would find its way into American business interests' hands in the form of contracts, bribes, kickbacks, extortion and simple theft. "We all laugh when we call it a donor's conference, because it is the working people of the U.S., Europe and elsewhere that actually 'donate' the money. We just steal it, calling ourselves the donors all the while. Then, of course, there are the jokes that make reference to 'blood donors' which I suppose makes us at the IMF very stylish vampires."

"Horst has a way of glamorizing what we do," said bank member, Djork Deterding. "But we just quietly steal the money while billions starve. We don't actually go in six-guns blazing and steal a countries entire patrimony, oil and all like fuckin' Cheney and his little cabal. Christ, it's exciting just to think about it."

"The timing couldn't be more perfect. This interim group seems to be made up of the kind of pliable chaps we need to steal billions of dollars, but this will give us a chance to check them out before elections. The other group, the Iraqi Coveting Council, had too many greedy bastards on it. If these guys keep their graft to a minimum we'll put them in office through the U.S. State Department and the CIA when the time comes," explained the British representaive of the Royal Bank of Scotland, Seamus MacShitface.

The World Bank, a similar confidence game, has indicated that it was prepared to launder through Iraqi elites between $3 billion and $5 billion over the next five years.

The Cheney/Bush administration is counting on both agencies to provide significant amounts to help control the wartorn country as it dscends into deeper Third World status. For proof of the efficacy oft his nethod check out Haiti since the kidnapping of Aristide.

However, officials indicated that a deal on 'forgiving' a significant portion of Iraq's $120 billion in foreign debt and taking the balance in various forms of collateral such as land, oil, natural gas, women and young boys, precious metals, control of Iraq's Central Bank and ports and 112,000 pieces of ancient artifacts is farther away. That issue has been tied up in disagreements between the United States, which would like to see much of Iraq's debt wiped out because its elite is due the collateral, and France, which has few collateral arrangements, and contends that Iraq, with its sizable oil reserves, should not be treated better than the world's poorest nations since the IMF is going to leave Iraq destitute anyway.

Always succinct, Ambassador Negroponte put it this way: "If they give me and my cronies pretty much everything that's left of value in and under the country, we'll give the nod to the IMF to 'forgive' them. Do I look like a fuckin' priest to you?"