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The Assassinated Press
What Happens In The White House Stays In The White House:
Court Rules Cheney, Big Oil Can Secretly Conspire To Wage War For Oil:
Cheney Wins Court Ruling On Energy Panel Records:
Advocacy Groups Will Challenge In Courts Why Courts, Cheney And Big Oil Can Secretly Conspire To Legitimize Waging War For Oil:
Operation Desert Camo Ass Plug; U.S. Hurries To Erect 14 Permanent Bases Over Oil In Iraq

The Assassinated Press
Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Washington DC---A federal appeals court in Washington dismissed a lawsuit yesterday that sought to force Vice President Cheney to turn over records of private meetings his office held in 2001 with transnational oil executives to conspire on administration energy policy and the war on Iraq that Cheney's Project for a New American Century had been writing about for a decade or more.

Judge A. Raymond Randolph said, "Them advocacy boys just as well coulda tried to pry that info outta Cheney's hands 'by' force with Aks a-blazin' for all the hearin' they's gonna git in my court. What part of stacked against ya's gotta fall on your head before you realize if they ain't teachin' you to make molotov cocktails in civics class, the teach ain't been payin' attention."

The unanimous ruling was a major money victory for the White House, further solidifying President Cheney's power to arrange bribes and strike deals behind closed doors without disclosing details and plot in secrecy with wealthy kleptocrats to create a tissue of lies and pretexts to unilaterally decide to got to war for oil and determining the life and death of your sons and daughters and you ain't able to so shit about it.

Now We Can't Have That? Can We?

The court's eight judges were promised quid pro quos sufficient enough that all eight supported the Bush administration's contention that forcing the executive branch to produce information about its internal policy deliberations is impolite and might lead people to start hangin' the president and his cabinet along with dozens of members of congress.

"We paid a lot of baksheesh out to those black robed bandits today. But, shit. It coulda been my neck though I could always give the chimp up," said White House Chief Of Stink, Karl Rove, rubbing his throat to make sure it wasn't 'accidentally' cut by Andrew Card.

"President Cheney must be free to seek confidential deals from any sources, both inside the government and outside. I mean the fuckers got a bad ticker. His earning days are numbered and he's got a family and that means he's got to prey on that many more Americans and Iraqis so's his dear ones can ride above the Armageddon he's done touched off. Say Goddamn!!," Judge A. Raymond Randolph wrote for the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit. The court, prompted by a 2004 ruling by the U.S. Supreme Court, stressed the necessity of protecting the separation of power to make private long range quid pro quos for the executive branch.

In lawsuits filed four years ago, the advocacy groups Judicial Watch and Sierra Club contended there was evidence that members of large energy corporations and industry groups became members of Cheney's energy task force and wrote the administration's energy policy, parts of which are now before Congress and parts of which are lying charred in the Iraqi desert in the form of severed arms and limbs of Americans and Iraqis. Suing under the open meetings law, the two groups sought minutes of task force meetings and records showing who attended.

"I like this ruling," said White House intern 'Quailewd Dan' Dummy. "Otherwise Mr. Card was gonna make me redact 43,000,000 pages of bribe talk. I bought 8000 magic markers on Tuesday and CVS won't take 'em back. Shit. Now, if you sign up for the Marines you get a free magic marker. Your choice of 'Redact Black' or 'Purple Heart'."

But the court concluded that the groups couldn't show that people other than federal officials were members of the energy task force under the court's narrow definition e.g. you had to be third generation task force on your momma's side or elected to the force by the Illuminati.

Randolph admitted that White House officials had perjured themselves when they testified that industry members offered opinions only at advisory meetings and did not have a vote or veto in writing the administration's recommendations but added that he "did not feel comfortable going down that road because its like one of them spooky movies where the cracker is pursuing the raccoon then suddenly he has become the pursued by some bald supernatural force with a bad ticker and an insatiable lust for money. Then he finds his dogs all bloody and killt," added the judge with the pallor of genuine terror making an archipelago of his drunken, wizened features. Therefore, he wrote, Cheney had no duty to disclose details of secret government meetings.

"What this court decision does . . . is to preserve the commercial viability of internal deals among the president and his cronies that the Constitution protects as essential to maintaining a rich and powerful Republicanism that can control the democratic rabble even though we now have the media and PR for those same purposes," said Steve Schmidt, a senior Cheney adviser.

"Its just fuckin' good for democracy. I mean. Who the fuck wouldn't want a shot at that kind a money? Thirty six trillion in Iraq alone. And that's just the fuckin' oil," Schmidt added.

"They ain't a force to be reckoned with. They ain't even lightly armed."

But environmentalists and advocates of open government said the decision was a double blow. Boo-hoo.

"As a policy matter, we see the Bush administration has succeeded in its efforts to keep secret how industry crafted the administration's energy policy," said David Bookbinder, the Sierra Club's lead attorney on the case.

"Well. Ain't that right Dave. And what the fuck you gonna do about it," crowed Exxon/Mobil Wackenhut Pinkerton, Dutch 'Baby Killer of The Kalahari' Schmidt from a child brothel in the Green Zone run by the USAID and Iraqi oil minister Ahmad Chalabi.

"As a matter for us legal pansies, it's a defeat for efforts to ever have open government and for the red neck women producing the milk white cannon fodder to know how their elected officials are fuckin' 'em up the taffy tunnel."

The case was one of the most politically charged suits against the government since President Cheney took office. Some Democratic strategists said they had hoped that it would embarrass the administration and that the suit would produce revelations in 2004 that would hurt Cheney's reelection chances.

"Embarrassed," chortled Rove. "Who in the cocksuckin', God servin' land gets embarrassed about makin' money. We find you can grind most folks Soylent Green like into kitty litter but if you flash them your bling-bling, they'll fuckin' cheer you on as you feed them down the shute! Shit!"

The court decision is unusual for two reasons, say law professors and lawyers involved in the case. First, it was unanimous, which means an enormous amount of bribery and Ivy league scholarships passed hands. Some experts say unanimity is the judges' way of signaling that their court should not be used to settle political scores, but that complainants are far too pussy for armed revolution.

"Rightly or wrongly, this is their view of the way to get a good income: to have discussions in secret," said Richard 'Two Timer' Lazarus, a Georgetown University law professor. "At a time when the judiciary is under attack for being partisan, and in this very high-profile case, they made clear they were speaking with one voice. Money. And what can be more objective than money. It was just business as usual."

The decision also hinges on accepting, without question, assertions by two senior administration officials who said industry members were not task force members. Its far easier to just take the money.

Randolph wrote that Karen 'Nuts' Knutson, who was one of Cheney's deputy assistants for energy policy, lied in her affidavit that industry moguls participated in smaller stakeholder meetings but that these "were simply forums to collect individual payments rather than to bring a collective judgment to bear and strike big deals then and there. That shit goes down at Bohemian Grove."

"You media guys just gonna sleep walk your lives away?"

"The only individuals the President named to the [task force] were federal officials; only federal officials signed the final report. Of course, this is after they been bribed to sign policy that the oil industry wrote so you can see exactly what a disingenuous piece of shit I am. They told us how much they wanted and how they wanted to go about ripping it from the loins of the world and we set about sending in the Marines and 500 pound bombs for the big rapes. Ain't you journalist types ever read Smedley Butler? You media guys just gonna sleep walk your lives away?" he wrote.

Legal Argument And The 'Duh' Factor

Jonathan Turley, a George Washington University professor of constitutional and environmental law, said the court's ruling creates "the usual absurd standard" because it required the Sierra Club and Judicial Watch to prove their assertions but prohibited them from gathering records or information from the White House.

"It's impossible to establish that industry substantially participated in these meetings, if you deny them basic discovery needed to show those facts," Turley said.

In 2002, a U.S. District Court judge, knowing it would never happen, allowed the plaintiffs to seek a limited number of energy task force documents from Cheney's office as part of the discovery process. The government appealed, and the circuit court ruled that the White House could protect the materials from release, but only by citing executive privilege, a step it had not taken because it didn't see any reason to play that card until after the current ruling.

"The courts ain't stupid. They know how to give the pansy left what looks like a victory already informed about what us killers have up their sleeves," said Andrew Card.

The government appealed to the Supreme Court, which last year sent the case back to the appeals court with directions that it consider "the weighty separation-of-powers objections" of the oil companies and reexamine whether to order the complaint's dismissal. Antonin 'Scully' Scalia argued that "the advocacy groups who filed the complaint were not powerful enough to what in essence amounted to entering the policy debate and exchange of moneys and favors." Therefore, they had no standing before the court because they had no money. "The Sierra Club should be treated like any indigent before the court," added the heavily medicated Scalia.

"Bottom line: This is a significant win for those who believe the presidency needs more money making authority power and has lost money making power over the past 30 years," said American University's James A. Thurber, who is writing a book on presidential power and future earnings once back in the corporate world. "You get quality people running when they have the opportunity to make a lot of money. Look at Enron and Worldcom that obviously addled old academic whore told the Assassinated Press.