The Assassinated Press

McCain Plan Would Have Troops Home By December 2007:
All Volunteer Civilian Corps Proposed By Republican Senator:
27 Million Americans Would Be Sent To Teach Iraqis Nuances Of Freedom & Democracy:

The Assassinated Press

FLAGSTAFF, AZ---Under a new plan proposed by Arizona Senator and presidential hopeful John McCain, nearly 27 million Americans would be asked to volunteer to serve in Iraq for two year tours as Freedom Ambassadors.

“Who better to instruct the Iraqi people in the superiority of our democratic way of life than those who most benefit from it,” McCain told a gathering of some 1200 supporters at the Charles Keating Center For Economic Development in Flagstaff.

The proposal called Operation Help Save Iraq From Itself calls for an additional $88 billion above what the military has requested for the next fiscal year. Volunteer’s, however, will not be paid in order that they’re commitment to freedom and democracy appear untainted as they convert the Iraqi people from godless Islam to the one true God --- oil futures.

Oh! It’s A Bill!?

“I’m certain when this bill is passed by Congress and signed by the president, we’ll be turning away volunteers. But 27,000,000 is a big number and some form of conscription may be necessary,” he added.

Under the plan “each American ‘volunteer’ would buddy-up with an Iraqi man, woman or child and instruct them in what makes America Number One.”

“What better way to turn the Iraq situation around than a one-on-one tutorial for each Iraqi from our wealth of living experts on the inner workings of democracy and freedom. Iraqis could witness first hand the depth of understanding and knowledge the average American has about the enlightenment foundations of their great country. Aside from the obvious lessons of the Bill of Rights and the Constitution which every American practically knows by heart, devotees of Lou Dobbs, Pat Buchanan and Toby Keith could instruct their Iraqi charges in the fine points of American xenophobia and the deep and literate understanding of other cultures that a free press and an advanced education system fosters.”

Product Placement

Under the plan, large grassroots organizations with a deep appreciation of the Constitution such as the National Rifle Association and the Christian Coalition would be tapped for the initial wave of ‘volunteers’. “If we don’t get enough God fearing, fag hating constitutionalists, who can teach Iraqis how to pick up a legally registered firearm and defend themselves, from the most patriotic and enlightened among us, we’ll seek support from other like-minded groups,” said the bills original co-sponsor, Zell Miller, former Democratic Senator from Georgia. Organizations topping the list of potential ‘volunteers’ include the Eagle Forum, AIPAC, the PNAC, the Sons of Operation Bloodstone, the Unofficial Rush Limbaugh Fan Club (not to be confused with the coffee mug, t-shirt sellouts who support the official site), the 700 Club, NASCAR, the Klu Klux Klan of Greater Indianapolis, The National Association of Realtors, the Friends of Newt Gingrich, the Republican National Committee, Mattel, and the Clinton County Republican Women’s Association.

Each ‘volunteer’ will travel to Iraq and live with their assigned Iraqi for a period of no less than two years. In that time, he or she will have the opportunity to impart first hand the wisdom and advantages that accrue to those who accept what McCain’s bill calls simply ‘America: Home of the Whopper’. After 4 hours of intensive training in traditional Iraqi culture, each volunteer will be given a basic ‘kit’ of tools essential for the democratic pedagogue. “First and foremost is a King James bible,” offered Miller. “Next is an Acme Gaydar Dowsing Rod to, right down from the pulpit, eliminate any fags that might pollute our grand experiment.” Also, included in the kit is a semi-automatic Glock nine millimeter hand gun, an auto-penned photograph of Ronald Reagan trying to wipe the birthmark off of Mikhail Gorbacev’s forehead, Toby Keith’s hit single ‘The More I Sing My Shit, The Sooner Some Other Sucker Will Take Your Place And You Can Get Your Ass Back Home’, Gretchen Wilson’s hit CD ‘E Pluribus Unum: Red Neck Women Ooze A Cracker Out Their Crack For Uncle Sam’, 50 Cent’s ‘Rappers Can’t Sing, (Singin’ Is For Bitches’), Nixon’s ‘Checkers Speech’, glam shots of Britney’s hoo-ha, a video of David’s first Christmas in America, DVD’s of Grand Theft Auto and crystal meth.

Because We Know Better

Zeller’s enthusiasm for the project was evident at the press conference. “We can show them Iraqis how through plastic surgery, rape and hair weaves we can turn little nigra girls into beautiful young singers and actresses,” he said. “We can preach them Iraqis football through our many born again coaches and players, preacher and pastors, who seamlessly mix felonies with faith, Christ with criminal mischief. Our TV can tune them into God for whom we once gave thanks but who now is forced to take all the credit for bestowing the god-given talent and physique required to shake a fat wrapped sphincter in a music video like you was mixing paint in your booty; to sucker punch a quarterback into a coma; to make a lot a money making a movie about making a lot of money; to award yourself awards and then blame God; or how our blessed tele-evangelists remind us that Christ was all about that second home as much as he is about the Second Coming.”

McCain said details of the bill must still be worked out in committee, but added he expected targeted groups to begin signing up ‘volunteers’ before the bill’s final passage expected sometime this spring.

When asked about provisions in the bill that would supply ‘cash incentives’ to officers of organizations who sign up their rank and file for Operation Help Save Iraq From Itself, McCain said, “What’s more American than a fair day’s wage for a fair day’s labor? These people have worked hard to gather the flock, so to speak.”

When asked about the potential for fraud and abuse, McCain added, “Maybe when the volunteers get there, they can take that up with the Iraqis,” and promptly departed the podium.