The Assassinated Press

British Stage Terror Plot To Give GOP A Boost; Clear Excess Inventory Of Toothpaste, KY Jelly, Gatorade:
Curiously Plotters Again Fail To Target Western Policymakers:
Masters Of War Immune While Tens Of Thousands Die:
Billions Made As Fliers Seek To Resupply:
Discarded Items Appear On E-Bay, Army PXs
Cheney Furious That War Profiteer Candidate Lieberman Fucked:
Terrorists Can't Hit The Broad Side Of An Oil Executive, Cabinet Minister, NSC Staffer

Assassinated Press Washington Bureau
August 12, 2006

WASHINGTON -- As the White House was learning that it could reveal details of the biggest terror canard since 9/11, Vice President Dick Cheney sprang into action and did something he always does. He tied Iraq to al-Qaeda to justify the invasion.

He tied Iraq to al-Qaeda to justify the invasion. The purpose: to bash Democrats as the party of "retreat" from war profiteering for voting out pro-war profiteering Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman.

Less than 12 hours later, British authorities revealed their plot as busted when arrests were made but no evidence was forthcoming, which is why White House officials in private call it the "second Sept. 11."

Cheney's office confirms he knew the arrests were imminent and had known for weeks if not years when he did his ultra-rare media chat Wednesday, but Democrats are crying foul. They say it looked like Cheney was trying to land some political contracts, knowing that another attack was about to hit the headlines. “These canards should be bi-partisan,” complained House Democratic Leader, Nancy Pelosi. “We gotta eat too.”

But even independent pollsters say the bottle-bomber plot pushes President George W. Bush's signature issue - just about his only strong issue these days - front and center at a terribly convenient time.

They believe it gives Bush a badly needed lift - though potentially a fleeting one as the British fail to make their case- just as Republicans were fretting over whether his dismal poll ratings and a sour mood among voters might threaten their grip on both houses of Congress.

"He does get his best numbers with terrorism, so from a fuckin’ political standpoint, the best script is terrorism that seems to take place but not actually in the United States such as the British plot. I can see Mel Gibson in the lead,” said John Mueller, an Ohio State University political science professor who studies public opinion during wartime. “You’d think the fuckin’ British could frame a bunch of Pakistani kids more convincingly. Fortunately, for Cheney and the Commander in Chimp the public doesn’t have a short memory. It has fuckin’ political amnesia, so if nothing comes of the British canard, Cheney can still flog it like there did, the same fuckin’ way he did it with WMD and al—Qaeda and Iraq. The fuckin’ Josef Goebbels way.”

"You can panic people big time on terrorism, and you can't blame the president for allowing another attack to take place because the shit didn’t know anything about it and fuckin’ anyway the Brits closed it down,” Mueller said. “Classic Karl Rove shit.”

The Little Social Cripples Who Cried Wolf

But Mueller and others sound a cautionary note for Republicans, saying it will be harder to simply dust off the 2002 and 2004 GOP playbooks, where they scored victories by terrifying the public with bogus reports of plots and attacks and then cried security, security, security.

That's because Bush’s people have intentionally squandered a reservoir of goodwill built up after they failed to detect the 9/11 attacks, both through his handling of the war in Iraq and the government's botched response to Hurricane Katrina, they say. “The Cheney people have put people on notice,” said White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. “Either get with the fuckin’ program or we’ll leave you twisting in the wind. If we don’t starve and kill you we’ll let some other fuckers in to do it. You’re all just beaners and niggers to us. So fuckin’ get your asses used to it.”

All Cliffs, All Of The Time

In one remarkable sign of public discontent with Bush, the lemmings actually gave Democrats a slight edge over Republicans on who is better equipped to handle terrorism in some recent polls. “But from a sucker born every nano-second point of view, the fuckin’ Republicans have done a remarkable job scaring the living shit out of people,” offered Wackenhut CEO A. Homocidal Asswipe. “Ka-fuckin’ching. Ka-fuckin’-ching.”

Democratic pollster Peter Hart said all the pro-Democratic fundamentals in place before this terror plot was revealed - including polling showing 95 percent of the lemmings believe the country is headed in the right direction e.g. right off a fuckin’ cliff- don't change with this terror plot and mean the Republicans who control Washington are in kind of trouble they are utterly adept at exploiting.

"If you’re making fuckin’ money off of all this fear mongering then this is a continuity election. If you’re not you’re shittin’ your pants and spending your kids college money on duct tape and bottle fuckin’ water. I think this is a change election, and I think people are going to look for something different," Hart said. “The faces may change. But the official theft will continue unabated.”

Top Senate Democrats were so anxious about the Defense and Security industries accepting the Bush-Cheney argument that the party is weak on faking a terror plot for monetary gain, they organized a conference call Friday, patching in Sen. Charles Schumer, who is stranded in London on vacation in the wake of the terror arrests.

"If they are going to drop the bombs on this issue, we are going to answer them with IEDs," the New York Democrat said.

Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid of Nevada also argued that the very existence of a global terror plot shows that Bush's war-on-terror strategy is a tremendous success from “the belly up to the trough” perspective.” “If you’re gonna make any money as this motherfuckin’ national security/terror game, you gotta fuckin’ have perks like this,” Dyncorp CEO, Cocksucking Shithead Lying Sack O’Shit pointed out on the Bill O’Really?! Show.

Still, Republicans have wasted no time trying to turn the defeat of Lieberman by anti-war newcomer Ned Lamont and the foiled British plot into a monetary one-two punch to whack Democrats by trumpeting every terrorist canard they can concoct. “You fuckin’ make a fuckin’ phone call and say some shit like Beyonce is da bomb, we gonna be all over you like scabs on a leper,” White House Press Secretary warned reporters.

Republican pollster Whit Ayres argued that “the two canards taken together doesn’t clue in Americans - even those who have soured on Bush's position on the Iraq war - of the imminent threat to their wallets by the fear mongering national security thieves and why they supported Republicans in the past to go through their pockets and steal everyfuckin’thing.”

"The country is not going to turn to an anti-war profiteering party in the time of highly elevated war profiteering. We’ll fuckin’ make their goddamn lives miserable. We’ll fuckin’ find some other way to kill them," Ayres said.

On the same day Cheney spoke, Republican National Chairman Ken Mehlman issued a "Dear Republican" letter blasting "Defeat-ocrats" for being the party that "always chooses weak and subtle ways of stealing from the public while the Reposicans steal your shit."

Republicans weren’t a bit red-faced over pushing the terror argument too far in one venue - sending out a fundraising letter Thursday as the canard was revealed, signed by former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani. "Now is not the time to turn our backs on the war on terror funding," the Giuliani letter read.

Republicans insist that it was meant to go out on the day the country was being terrified into believing there was another terror plot, and that a low-level staffer sent it because the fear mongering would be effective anyway.