The Assassinated Press

David Koch Rushed to Fargo Hospital Complaining of Shortness of Breath
Koch Found Disconnecting Feeding Tubes in the Hospital Nursery and ICU; Avoids Prosecution by Buying Hospital.

The Assasinated Press

David Koch, executive Vice President of Koch Industries, was rushed to a Fargo hospital this afternoon complaining of trouble breathing. Paramedics discovered the head of a 60 pound sockeye salmon lodged in Mr. Koch’s esophagus.

“It’s an old college hazing prank,” his brother Charles Koch, CEO of Koch industries said. “Sixty pounder? Old Davie used to be able to take one of those in his mouth without a gag or a gurgle.”

Doctors were able to dislodge the fish head from Mr. Koch’s throat but decided to keep the eccentric billionaire overnight for observation.

As of late, Mr. Koch has shown signs of despondency and twice attempted suicide as he loses his 17 year bout with prostate cancer. Doctor’s have given him only a few months to live.

Koch’s depression and his general ‘why me’ attitude were given for his bizarre behavior while at the hospital.

At 1:18AM a Negro orderly, Gerard Sileman, reported seeing Mr. Koch going from room to room on his ward disconnecting patients from their respirators, emptying bed pans onto their heads and wrapping feeding tubes around their necks. Then at 3:34AM Mr. Koch was observed by a Latino nurse, Ida Sanchez, disconnecting life–support systems in the hospital nursery for newborns and trying to fill the incubators with his own urine.

In both instances security was called but Mr. Koch temporarily escaped capture. When finally found in a hospital operating theater waving a bloody speculum that he earlier used to stab burn victims, he was taken into custody. Mr. Koch asked to see the comptroller of the hospital, Michael Milken, and business manager, John Ashcroft, in private.

After a ten minute private meeting, Mr. Koch and Mr. Milken and Mr. Ashcroft, reappeared. Mr. Koch waved a a sheaf of paper which he said was a contract giving him sole control over the hospital's affairs, in effect buying the facility for $200,000 to be paid buy future by Fargo residents come tax time.

Mr. Koch was then released upon his own recognizance and whisked away by his 12 Aramaic bodyguards.

Officials insist that no deal was struck between the addled billionaire and the hospital. So far no charges have been filed and the Fargo police as well as the FBI have declared the case closed. Attorney General Eric Holder had signed a “non-prosecution” waiver for all four of the Koch brothers and Koch Industries as a condition of his appointment before Barack Obama was elected to his first term.

Juan Forero, Elliott Abrams and Charles Manson contributed to this article.