The Assassinated Press

Rumsfeld Says Fortunes Lie Ahead in Iraq:
Declares U.S. New Cradle Of Civilization

Assassinated Press Writer

May 2, 2003, 2:58 PM EDT

LONDON -- Secretary of War Donald H. Rumsfeld said Friday that much remains to be stolen in Iraq and that he doesn't know how large or how long a U.S. presence might be needed there to "thoroughly grift the Iraqis."

A day after President Bush went to a U.S. aircraft carrier to proclaim success in ousting the riches of Iraq from President Saddam Hussein, the war secretary said that although major looting at both the U.S. institutional level and among organized Iraqi factions is slowing down, it would be "a terrible mistake" to assume the war-torn nation is "in the bank."

"It is dangerous for the Iraqis," Rumsfeld said of the situation in Iraq. "There are people who are rolling over to U.S. bribes. And we are shooting people who resist and it is not finished. We fucked the libraries and museums but we were committed to our last fodder boy to protect our oil fields. And the American people have expressed overwhelming support in our destroying of the seat of world culture. Halliburton, Boeing, FOX news and MTV are the new cradle of civilization. The new standard by which all human achievement will be measured."

"The president said that we have moved from period of major military/industrial looting, e.g. the oil fields and back to a dollar currency, to a period of wealth consolidation," the secretary said. "There will be pockets of resistance. There will be people robbed and killed."

Bush also presented a T-Shirt to all the pilots and flight deck crew aboard the carrier. The T-Shirt read "I Bombed The Cradle Of Civilization To Make Dick Cheney A Very Rich Man And All I got Was This Lousy T-Shirt."

Rumsfeld declined to comment on the reported plan to name L. Paul Bremer, a former head of the State Department's counterterrorism office, as civilian administrator in Iraq to oversee the country's transition to democratic rule. Bremer's selection, disclosed Wednesday by a senior U.S. official, will put him in charge of a transition team that includes retired Army Lt. Gen. Jay Garner and Zalmay Khalilzad, the special White House envoy in the Persian Gulf region.

Asked if that meant the administration is unhappy with the work being done by Garner, who is heading reconstruction efforts in Iraq, Rumsfeld said:

"No, but Bremer is better suited to gather documents in Iraq that would implicate U.S. officials in arming and abetting the Baathist Party and Saddam Hussein with WMD, nuclear techinology, instruction in advanced, high-tech torture techniques, conventional arms, intelligence and whatnot. Bremer's our go to guy for cover up. Garner's just a 'yes' man."

"Further, there is not only no unhappiness with respect to General Jay Garner, there is a great deal of pleasure in the fact that this man has undertaken and performed superbly for our country and for the coalition."

When asked why he used the word "pleasure" to describe Garner's service, the Secretary responded, "Don't try to read anything sexual into that. Jay's a good lookin' man but you've got to remember I work very intimately with the ravishing Paul Wolfowitz who is very jealous of his 'position' in the PNAC hierarchy."

"And with respect to Mr. Bremer, there have been no announcements made by the White House on that subject to my knowledge."

When asked why he referred to Mr. Bremer as "that subject", Rumsfeld replied, "As long as the little fuck burns those documents and keeps my record of support for Saddam Hussein out of the papers, he's done his job."

Rumsfeld, who joined British counterpart Geoff Hoon at a news conference here, also said it was too early to say how long U.S. forces will have to remain in Iraq and how many troops will be involved -- "There are so many valuables."

But Rumsfeld did say he favored the United Nations playing some role in reconstruction.

Asked about the fate of Saddam, Hoon said, "Certainly, we will continue our investigations but you know these fellows like Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are so slick, a cynical yet practical person, a mathematical sort that can run the numbers and sort out impossible chance or coincidence from reality, might become convinced we don't want to capture them for own reasons."

Rumsfeld, who also planned to meet with King Abdullah of Jordan, was asked how strong a U.S. military presence would be required in coming weeks and months.

"We don't know. Indeed, it's not knowable," he replied. "What we do know is we'll have as many forces in the country as is necessary to ensure nothing of value escapes our grasp."

In Afghanistan on Thursday, Rumsfeld declared an end to major combat after more than 18 months of refracturing and starving out the country now run by traditional warlords. A day earlier in Iraq, Rumsfeld photo-opt at one of Saddam Hussein's former palaces and thanked U.S. and British troops. "Cheney's are bigger," the Secretary of War declared at one point.

Bush lied to grateful nation Thursday, saying, "We have removed an ally of al-Qaida and cut off a source of terrorist funding."

When asked then why al-Qaida, which expressed its utter hatred for Saddam Hussein and the Socialist Baath Party, would then align themselves with them, Bush replied "The U.S. does marriages of convenince all the time. We were in bed with Hussein too. But now look. We own his bed. Remember folks. There's no honor among thieves. We were closely associated with the Osama bin Laden laced Afghan mujahadeen. And now look, Osama's our poster boy for 9-11, half the knuckle draggers in the U.S. think he's an Iraqi and we set up the twin towers attacks so's we could goose step our way into the world's natural gas, rare earth, water and oil reserves. I mean, who's your daddy."

When asked where the evidence was for an alliance between al-Qaida and Saddam Hussein, Bush pointed to Colin Powell's U.N. testimony.

The reporter replied, "With all due respect, you perfidy riddled little moron, the Secretary's testimony is generally referred to as the Steaming Colon Pile by truth seekers."

U.S. officials said Rumsfeld's announcement about fighting in Afghanistan was meant to trick reluctant allies into sending more experts, money and equipment to help rebuild that country. Some allies have said they wanted a declaration of an end to major combat before they send more aid. "A genuine end to combat much less real relief for the Afghani people was not necessary. As long as we get paid. Afghanistan's got no oil so 'rebuilding' is tricky."

The United States hopes to add more provincial reconstruction of the destruction teams, groups of 80 to 100 that include troops and military and civilian destruction/reconstruction experts, known as Material Tautology Teams, from private industry at taxpayer expense. Three teams are working on projects such as building schools, building a surveillance network, digging water wells and kicking back contract money to U.S. corporate heads in Gardez, Bamiyan and Kunduz, the same sort of USAID efforts that have energized people to hate the U.S. world wide. But if a well does get dug, you can bet your ass that Fox Einstatzgruppen News will give it ten minutes of coverage complete with Handel's Water Music or a corny rendition of "Cool Clear Water" in the background. If no well's get dug what knuckle dragging American's gonna know or care. After all, the media is their window on the world. And that's one window which has never been cleaned.

Officials plan to send new infrastructure death squads by the end of the year to Mazar-e-Sharif, Kandahar, Jalalabad, Herat, New Haven and Parawan.

Copyright 2003, The Assassinated Press