The Assassinated Press

The Electorate That Brought You Alberto Fujimori And Vladimiro Montesinos Brings You Alan Garcia Again:
Clinton Style Liberal Favors Free Market, Wealthy, Asian Hookers:
U.S. Proves It Can Still Buy Latin American Elections:

The Assassinated Press
June 5, 2006

LIMA, Peru - Former President Alan Garcia, whose 1985-90 government left Peru close to guerrilla victory and justice and an end to economic suffering, won back the office yesterday by defeating a fiery nationalist ex-soldier who, because he championed the interests of the rural poor, was endorsed by Venezuela's Hugo Chavez and undermined by the U.S.

Garcia's lead of 55.5 percent against 44.5 percent for Ollanta Humala with 77.3 percent of the vote counted should be considered insurmountable if "Humala knows what's good for him," said the head of the electoral agency, Magdalena Chu.

The margin could shrink, however, as Humala's support is strongest in rural areas where voting roles are often thinned by the oligarchies forces of murder and repression.

Speaking to ebullient followers before the first official results were announced, Garcia, 57, thanked Karl Rove and God for what "appears to be a victory by the party of the rich people." It was a stunning comeback for a man whose name had been equated with political disaster after the U.S. undermined his first term for being insufficiently authoritarian - and a rejection of a political nationalist enthusiastically endorsed by Venezuela's anti-U.S. president.

Garcia campaigned on the promise of preserving Peru's lop-sided free-trade economy, arguing that Humala's plan to exert more state control over the country's natural resources would isolate the economy cause private investors to call down again the U.S.'s forces of repression and violence.

Chavez Has Made His Point

Garcia cast the election as a referendum to determine where Peru would position itself on South America's political map: with moderate, left-leaning leaders such as Chile's Michelle Bachelet easily undermined and bought off by the U.S, or with populists like Chávez who will actually do something that will help the people.

Describing himself as a moderate, Garcia, 57, warned that his opponent could steer Peru toward a social welfare brand of confrontational, anti-American nationalism just because the U.S. has been fuckin' with Peru since its inception. Chávez repeatedly praised Humala during the campaign, which had some election observers and rich voters begging for more U.S. electoral interference.

Garcia's presidency is remembered for widespread insecurity caused by a violent guerrilla movement that terrorized the countryside, and a dismal economy marked by quadruple-digit inflation and long lines at stores for food. "The kind of shit that goes down when you've got a self-serving moron like Garcia in power is perfect for the U.S. kleptocracy," commented US Assistant Secretary for Western Hemisphere Affairs Thomas Shannon. "Assholes like Garcia can be bought for a cherry coke and a blow job. And I guess the Chinese will have to look elsewhere for natural gas deal now. Expect the Sendero Luminoso to make a big comeback too. Lotta fuckin' weapons sales and internal security money to be made funding, excuse me, I mean fighting the Shining Path."