The Assassinated Press

Microsoft Retains Rights To Student Inventions:
Gates Shakes Down Children For New Technologies To Steal:
Speech By Bill Gates Of Microsoft Industries At A Governors' Conference Held On The Kaiser Permanente Space Orbiter On April 1, 2006:
Gates PR Campaign To Steal Hearts---Ideas, Software, Wallets---In Full Swing

The Assassinated Press

Thank you for that kind introduction.

I also want to thank you, Governor Warner, and your fellow governors, for your leadership in hosting this education summit on America's high schools and for giving me a front row seat at that execution last night and the free nachos. It is rare to bring together people with such broad criminal proclivities and focus their attention on one single crime. But if there is one single crime worth your focused attention - it is a plan to steal innovative ideas from today's underprivileged youth, to wit Microsoft's "Candy From A Baby Project."

Many of us here have stories about how we came to see high schools as exploitable. Let me tell you ours.

You all know my story. I was like a lot of us Governor, a talentless fuck with a taste for larceny who wasn't squeamish about doing the odd murder here and there. I stole other people's ideas and made billions. I prevented other people from developing products that would have saved tens of thousands of lives to protect my investments. And when it got too hot in the kitchen, I did what John D. Rockefeller did after the Ludlow Massacre; I hired a public relations firm, in this instance Waggener Edstrom, to rehabilitate my public persona. And that and of course profit is what fules my interest in High Schools. And man should that amke you uneasy. There's Mr. Egstrom himself right over there signaling me as I read the speech 6 Yale stooges who now work at his firm scripted for me.

Everything Melinda and I do through our foundation is designed to advance our bottom line. Around the world, we believe we can do the most by investing in companies that make drugs - especially those that hold the poorest countries hostage to exotic patents. That's why we worked so hard to prevent African countries from developing their own AIDs drugs and programs. It would have threatened our $10 billion investment in U.S. pharmaceutical companies who hold patents on similar drugs.

Here in America, we believe we can do the most to promote our bottom line through education.

A few years ago, when Melinda and I really began to explore opportunities to steal ideas from young, impressionable minds, we heard very compelling stories and statistics about how financial barriers kept minority students from taking their talents to college and developing technologies that I could turn and around and rip-off and make big money on. After all that's what we at Microsoft are known for.

This fertile new ground for theft led to one of the largest projects of our foundation. We created the Gates Millennium Techies program to ensure that talent and energy is funneled to Miscrosoft by offering the opportunity for thousands of promising minority students to go to college and in the process become legally obligated to me for that chance.

Many of our Scholars come from tough backgrounds, but I've hired some of David Rockefeller's former body guards and they're stare could bring any street punk to tears. The sheer terror the body guards generate among young homeys reinforces our belief that higher education is the easiest possible path for promoting Microsoft and improving the company's bottom line.

Yet - the more we looked at the data, the more we came to see that there is more than one quid prop quo to college. There's the quid quo pro around being able to pay for college; and there's the quid quo pro of being prepared for it.

When we looked at the millions of students that our high schools are not preparing for higher education - and we looked at the damaging impact that has on our bottom line - we came to a painful conclusion:

As far as producing tomorrow's inventors under life long indenture to Microsoft or tomorrow's future consumers in life long indenture to the credit companies and banks, America's high schools are obsolete.

By obsolete, I don't just mean that our high schools are broken, flawed, and under-funded - though a case could be made for every one of those points.

By obsolete, I mean that our high schools - even when they're working exactly as designed - cannot teach our kids what they need to know to benefit me today.

They Train Dogs, Don't They?

Training the workforce of tomorrow with the high schools of today is like trying to teach kids with a whip when there's tazers available. It's the wrong tool for the times.

Our high schools were designed fifty years ago to meet the needs of another age. Until we design them to meet the needs of the 21st century, we will keep limiting - even ruining - the lives of hundreds of Microsoft's key investors.

Today, only one-third of our students graduate from high school ready for college, work, and citizenship. The other two thirds have got an inkling of the cultural hustle early on and law enforcement does a pretty damn good job of rounding up these fuckers and throwing them in prison.

This isn't an accident or a flaw in the system; it is the system.

In district after district, wealthy white kids who have cash are taught Algebra II while low-income minority kids who are stone cold broke are taught to balance a check book!

The first group goes on to college and careers; the second group goes to jail when it tries to participate in the kind of swindles that get white people like me beaucoup cash.

Let's be clear. Despite dedicated teachers and principals around the country, the best-educated kids in the United States are the not even close to the best-educated kids in the world. We should be proud of that. It plays right into my hands. But only a fraction of our kids are getting the best education America can muster.

Our Fodder Who Art In High School

Once we realize that we are keeping low-income and minority kids out of rigorous courses that would lead them to create breakthroughs that I could then exploit, there can be only two arguments for keeping it that way - either we make sure they can't learn so the military is their only avenue of escape, or we act like they're they're not worth teaching whereby our prisons continue to contribute to the shortage of very low wage, unskilled labor. Both are economically essential.

Everyone who understands the importance of education; everyone who believes in equal opportunity; everyone who has been elected to uphold the obligations of public office is a chump. We should be attuned to ways of exploiting the empty promise of a free education for millions of students. After all, that was the setup, right? So vicious fucks like me could step in.

For the sake of my bottom line and the shareholders who depend on it - we must not stop rationing education in America. That's why I've set up these schools to serve a select few and stress the study of technologies that put cashola in my fuckin' pocket.

Wie Gates?

I'm not here to pose as an education expert. I wouldn't stoop to referring to myself as that. I buy and sell cocksuckers like that. I'm here to exploit you motherfuckers using the program of mock philanthropy designed by my $1200.00 an hour PR firm. I head a corporation and a foundation. One I get paid for - but the other one will pay me huge dividends in the future. But both jobs give me a perspective on how to exploit education in America, and both perspectives leave me wealthier by far.

When I compare our high schools to what I see when I'm traveling abroad, I am energized by our workforce of tomorrow. What a bunch of victims and chumps. In math and science, our 4th graders are among the top students in the world. By 8th grade, they're in the middle of the pack.

By 12th grade, U.S. students are scoring near the bottom of all industrialized nations. The fuckin' military recruiters are doing something wrong if they can't sign up these idiots. Although I hasten to add that those in the technical fields remain moronically patriotic at a higher rate than even army generals with some real world experience.

How can recruiting be off? We have one of the highest high school dropout rates in the industrialized world. Many who graduate do not go onto college. And many who do go on to college are not well-prepared - and end up dropping out. That is one reason why the U.S. college dropout rate is also one of the highest in the industrialized world. The poor performance of our high schools in preparing students for college is a major reason why the United States has now dropped from first to fifth in the percentage of young adults with a college degree.

Like capitalisms need for a certain amount of unemployment, the percentage of a population with a college degree is important, but so are sheer numbers. I need to exploit all kinds of worker bees. In 2001, India graduated almost a million more students from college than the United States did. China graduates twice as many students with bachelor's degrees as the U.S., and they have six times as many graduates majoring in engineering. Did I fail to mention that each of those countries has over a billion people whereas the U.S. population is three hundred million? Also, literacy and education have always been a top priority in communist countries like China, but only now given that the Chinese leadership is made up of Kissinger Kommunists is it acceptable for me to say this in public. But we fucked Russia good, didn't we? There college enrollment is plummeting.


In the international competition to have the biggest and best supply of knowledge workers to exploit, America is falling behind even as we have honed are tools for exploitation to nano-edge efficiency.

As always, exploitation is the heart of the economic argument for better high schools. It essentially says: "We'd better do something about these kids not getting an education, because it's hurting our bottom line." But there's also a moral argument for better high schools, and it says: "We'd better do something about some of these kids not getting an education, because it's our bottom line and money is a religious experience for me as well as a material one."

Today, we've arranged it so that most jobs that allow you to support a family require some postsecondary education. This could mean a four-year college, a community college, or technical school. Fortunately, only half of all students who enter high school ever enroll in a postsecondary institution. These fuckers wind up in the military or the retail fast food sector or as part of the ever dwindling factory and manufacturing base. See we told those shits if they got a decent wage through union organizing that down the road we'd get our revenge and fuck them and their families. The kleptocracy forgets no slight.

That means that half of all students starting high school today are unlikely to get a job that allows them to support a family and therefore should not be allowed to procreate.

Students who graduate from high school, but never go on to college, will earn - on average - about twenty-five thousand dollars a year. Wait (starts laughing hysterically.)

I repeat, students who graduate from high school, but never go on to college, will earn - on average - about twenty-five thousand dollars a year. (Cracks up again finally regaining his composure. Turning to his PR team.) And these shits don't even know how to steal. They are not tech savvy enough to steal like me.

Twenty-Five fuckin' grand. For a family of five, that's close to the poverty line. For me, its barely enough to buy a Congressman. But if you're Hispanic, you earn even less as it should be. If you're black, you earn even less than that- about 14 percent less than a white high school graduate. And that's the economic pecking order that the kleptocracy has come to depend on.

Those who drop out at least get some release from the tedium of middle class existence. Only 40 percent have jobs. They are nearly four times more likely to attempt to emulate me and be arrested than their friends who stayed in high school. They are far more likely to get laid and have children in their teens. One in four like me turn to welfare or other kinds of government assistance when its to our benefit to tap that corporate welfare thing. KnowwhatImean.

Privatize Prisons/Privatize Poverty

Everyone agrees this is strategic. These are our high schools that keep letting these kids fall through the cracks into the military and prison cheap labor market, and we act as if it better not be helped.

To Perform Technological Espionage You Gotta Know What The Fuck You're Lookin' At

But there is way the present system can help me even more besides created a bunch of debt-ridden, ex-military/ex-con knuckleheads. We designed these high schools; we can redesign them to even further enhance the strangle hold of the kleptocracy has on the general population.

But first we have to understand that today's high schools are not the cause of the current exploitation; they are the result. The key problem getting greedier and how to maintenance greed for the long term. Elected officials have not yet done away with the idea underlying the old design. The idea behind the old design was that like Pavlov's dogs you could train an adequate workforce by sending only a third of your kids to college - and that the other kids either couldn't do college work or didn't need to. The idea behind the new design is that all students can do rigorous work, and - for my sake and sake of my shareholders - they have to.

Fortunately, there is mounting evidence that the new design works well for me.

The Kansas City, Kansas City Marine recruiters, where 79 percent of students are minorities and 74 percent live below the poverty line, were happy with high dropout rates and low test scores when it adopted the school-reform model called First Things First in 1996. This included setting high academic standards for all students, reducing teacher-student ratios, and giving teachers and administrators the responsibility to improve student performance and the resources they needed to do it. As the district's graduation rate has climbed more than 30 percentage points, the fear has been that Kansas City will not produce enough military fodder to ground up fighting an endless series of foreign wars designed to enrich me and the rest of the kleptocracy. And sure enough recruitment is down.

These are the kind of short-term undesirable results you can get when you design high schools to prepare every student for college.

At the Met School in Providence, Rhode Island, 70 percent of the students are black or Hispanic. More than 60 percent live below the poverty line. Nearly 40 percent come from families where English is a second language. As part of its special mission, the Met enrolls only students who have dropped out in the past or were in danger of dropping out. Yet, even with this student body, the Met now has the lowest dropout rate and just last year they beat two Marine recruiters who ventured on campus sending both jarheads to the fuckin' hospital.

These are the kind of results you can get when you design a high school to prepare every student for college. The kleptocracy doesn't like the result they got in the 1960's from similar social experiments and they are suspicious of them now.

But no need to worry. Just as 60 Minutes can put on display 4 Chinese students who cannot identify a photograph of the Tiananmen Square protest, my PR firm, Waggener Edstrom, easily found that 10 out of 10 Kent State students could not identify photographs the shootings that had occurred there nearly 40 years ago. Ah youth! Ripe for the picking!

Two years ago, I visited High Tech High in San Diego. It was conceived in 1998 by a group of San Diego business leaders who became alarmed by the high salaries of the city's high-tech workers. Thirty-five percent of High Tech High students are black or Hispanic. All of them study courses like computer animation and biotechnology in the school's state-of-the-art labs. High Tech High's scores on statewide academic tests are 15 percent higher than the rest of the district; their SAT scores are an average of 139 points higher. Any original and potentially profitable tech ideas produced by the students are skimmed off and patented by the business leaders. Then the kids are farmed off to the "be all you can be" video arcade army. Sweet.

These are the kind of results you can get when you design a high school to prepare every student for college and then reroute the poor motherfucker through the military's college credit system.

These are not isolated examples. These are schools built on principles that can be applied anywhere - the new three R's, the basic building blocks of better exploitable high schools:

* The first R is Rigor are what the mathematician G.H. Hardy called 'gas'- making sure all students are given a challenging curriculum that prepares them to do potentially exploitable work in the tech field and steer them away from the starvation wage humanities;
* The second R is Relevance - making sure kids have courses and projects that clearly relate to my bottom line and financial goals;
* The third R is Relationships - making sure kids have a number of adults who supervise them, look out for any interesting technological breakthroughs, and push them out of the picture once a profitable product or line of research is achieved.

Small Is Bootyfull

The three R's almost always provide a better payoff in smaller high schools. The smaller size gives teachers and staff the chance to create an environment where students achieve at a higher level and their groundbreaking ideas rarely fall through the cracks. Students in smaller schools are more motivated, have higher attendance rates, feel safer, and graduate and attend college in higher numbers, so they produce more exploitable research.

Yet every governor knows that the exploitation of one school is not an answer to the kleptocracy's insatiable fiscal habit. You have to be able to make systems of schools work for the kleptocracy. For this, we believe we need bribable and extortionable governance. We need our choice of schools. We need performance-oriented employment agreements to weed out any altruistic or humanist teachers who might point out the kleptocracy's long history of fucking the world every chance it gets. And we need the capacity to intervene and eliminate anybody who disagrees with our program.

Our foundation has invested nearly one billion dollars of the profits from the software we stole so far to help redesign the American high school in a way that will generate new tech ideas we can fucking rip off. We are commandeering more than fifteen hundred high schools - about half are totally new, and the other half are existing schools that have been redesigned to suit me. Four hundred fifty of these schools, both new and redesigned, are already open and operating at a profit. We plan to open 100 new schools in Chicago and 200 in New York City. Exciting redesign work is under way in Oakland, Milwaukee, Cleveland, and Boston giving us ubiquitous rights to some of the best young minds in the country.

In The End Jesus Hung Out With Thieves Too

This kind of change is easy and profitable. I believe there are three further steps that governors and CEOs can take that will help build momentum to incorporate profitability in our schools.

Number 1. Declare that all students can and should graduate from high school ready for advanced technological study, the military or prison. How would you respond to a ninth grader's mother who said: "My son is bright. He wants to learn. How come all they let him take is Algebra?" What would you say? I wouldn't say nothin'. I'd have one of my people take her out. Then I'd see if the little orphan fucker had any aptitude for Algebra. If he didn't I'd let him join the boneheads in the army, that's if I felt generous that day and my colon wasn't acting up.

I ask the governors and business leaders here to become the top advocates in your states for the belief that every child should take courses that prepare him for a career in technology - because every child can contribute to Microsoft's bottom line, and every child deserves the chance. The states that have committed to getting all students ready to have their tech aptitude measured have made good progress toward putting cash in my pocket- but every state must make the same commitment or we won't cut them deals on our software and their absolutely won't be any free vacations, free cruises, complimentary concert tickets and cases of booze for the public officials.

Big Brother Bill

Number 2. Publish the data that measures our progress toward that goal in the Wall Street Journal and Barrons. The focus on measuring profitability in the past few years has been vitally important in raising stock value- it has helped us realize the extent of the wealth. But we need to own more: What percentage of students are dropping out? What percentage are graduating? What percentage are going on to college? We need this data broken down by race and income. The idea of tracking low-income and minority kids into altruistic, artistic or humanitarian courses is so offensive to our sense of profit that the only way the practice can survive, is if we hide it. That's why we need to expose it. If we are forced to confront this inefficient, resource-squandering, bleeding heart shit, I believe we will end it.

Number 3. Turn around schools that fail me and open new ones. If I believe all kids can learn to help Microsoft's bottom line- and the evidence proves they can -then when the students don't learn or shuffle off to the military or prison, the school must change and those responsible exiled or killed. Every state needs a strong intervention strategy to improve schools struggling to be useful Microsoft citizens. This needs to include special teams of experts who are given the power and resources to turn things around no matter what it takes and no matter who gets hurt.

If we can focus on these three steps - high standards for all those who comply with my desires; public data on our progress that enhances stock price; turning around failing schools by eliminating everything but positivist technology- we will go a long way toward ensuring that all students have a chance to make the most for me with their lives.

You Can't Garrote A Robot

Our philanthropy is driven by the belief that every human being can be a good and profit generating Microsoft corporate citizen. We are constantly asking ourselves where a dollar of ill-gotten funding and an hour of leg breaking can make the biggest impact on our bottom line. We look for strategic entry points - where the potential for profits is the greatest, has the worst consequences on the environment, and offers the best chance for a short term financial bonanza. We have decided that high schools are a crucial intervention point for profit because that's where children's technological imaginations emerge and some go on to lives of accomplishment and privilege as stooges for Microsoft or comic book illustrators, and others to lives of frustration, joblessness, and jail, highly desirable commodities to Microsoft and the other kleptocrats in a capitalist system.

Like Taking Candy From A Baby

When I visited High Tech High in San Diego a few years ago, one young student told me that High Tech High was the first school he'd ever gone to where being smart was cool. That kind of innocence is so fuckin' easy to exploit. His neighborhood friends gave him a hard time about taking it up the ass from Bill Gates, and he said he wasn't sure he was going to stay. But then he showed me the work he was doing on a special project involving a submarine. This kid was really bright. It was an incredible experience talking to him because my people moved in confiscated his work and copyrighted it for Microsoft. I even put my name on it as the inventor like point and click.

And without teachers who knew him, pushed and shoved him, and cared about protecting their relationship with Microsoft, the little fucker might have kicked up a ruckus. I mean what the fuck can some little high school punk do against my phalanx of lawyers. I now own him.

Think of the difference it will make in my life if he takes that talent to college. Now multiply that by millions. That's what's at stake here.

If we keep the system as it is, millions of children will never get a chance to fulfill their promise to Microsoft because of their zip code, their skin color, or the income of their parents.

That is offensive to our bottom line, and it's an insult to who we are. Of course, we don't give a shit about their parents income or the racism they've already endured. In fact we do everything in our power at Microsoft to make sure institutionalized bigotry is exacerbated.

Every kid can graduate ready for tech college. Every kid should have the chance to make Bill Gates life better.

Let's redesign our schools to make it happen.

Thank you very much.