The Assassinated Press

Congress Operates In The Dark:
Appropriations Committee Meets In Emergency Session To Allocate Funds To Pay Overdue Electric Bill:
Water Briefly Shut Off Too:
Deficit Shuts Down Government

The Assassinated Press
April 3, 2006

WASHINGTON -- The U.S. Capitol was evacuated shortly after noon Monday after the building briefly had its power shut off.

The building was reopened about an hour later after Congress met in emergency session to allocate funds to pay an overdue electric bill.

"Fuck. We're a few trillion dollars in the red and some asshole decided to cut corners," said Senate Appropriations chair Thad Cochran (R-MS).

The House and Senate were in session at the time of the outage.

Both had convened at 10 a.m., but the House quickly recessed for the day while the Senate resumed work on how to exploit immigrant labor while denying them social services, trying to hammer out a corvee labor bill before next picking season.

Quick to spin the unpaid bill, White House Chief of Stink Karl Rove said "My understanding is that House Republicans decided to show solidarity with the people of Baghdad by spending a few hours in the dark."

Mary-Beth Hutchinson, a spokeswoman for Potomac Electric Power Co., said the electricity shut off because Congress had not paid its electric bill in six months and efforts by a collection agency, KBR Pawn and Repo had been rebuffed by Cochran and his committee.

"Frankly we got fuckin' fed up with the freeloaders in Congress. They kept telling us Halliburton was gonna pick up the tab but that turned out to be horsehit," she told the Assassinated Press.

U.S. Capitol Police, in a statement, said a power crackdown by PEPCO that affected much of the K Street "cut off power to the Capitol building and caused lights and cable TV reception to flicker throughout the Capitol complex." As a result, police evacuated the building and rifled through staffers desks and personal items, along with architect of the Capitol and fire officials, the statement said.

Nearby office buildings were also affected by the outage, but lights came on as soon as provisional legislation 914-886732408BE515872974839201-0098693S cleared the floor and a check was cut. But PEPCO would not accept a U.S. government check, so a page was assigned the task of getting a money order for $41,566,977.12 from Trent Lott's Liquor & Lotto at North Capitol and 'I' Streets along with a case of Stolis, 6000 Scratch & Win lotto tickets, nachos and a bag of sour cream chips.

Before the evacuation sirens went off, more than 100 visitors sat in the darkened House gallery. "Shit. I thought that was just the way Congress always operated," commented Tad Bolo of Fort Bear Claw, Idaho. "In the fuckin' dark."