The Assassinated Press

Koch Brothers Unveil Plan to Turn Detroit’s ‘Tar Sands Mountain’ Into Ski Slope and Luxury Resort
Rick Snyder Strikes Deal on “Behalf of All Michigonians”
“Nothing the Koch’s Own Ever Goes Bankrupt. Not With Corporate Welfare and Corvee Labor,” David Koch Reassures Wall Street Investors

The Assassinated Press

It’s the job creators, the living gods of Ayn Rand, the Shrugging Atlases, to the rescue again. Koch Industry’s three story tall tar sands dump along the Detroit River has been deemed an eyesore by many Detroiters. I mean, it really can make your eyes sore, and red and puffy. Mangy blind dogs skirt its periphery.

And those not attuned to the beauty of capitalist realist installation pieces like Tar Sands Mountain probably miss the grandiose eloquence of this coal black monolith, the figurative and actual excrement of a natural and universal biological process lovingly exploited for money. “It’s where god goes to drop a load,” David Koch told the Assassinated Press.

But out of the goodness of their Robber Baron hearts, The Kochs, Charles and David have heard the pleas of Detroit residence and have a bold new proposal for the site. Koch Industries is working with Gov. Rick Snyder and his emergency team with plans to build an $180,000,000 ski slope and luxury resort on the site provided the City of Detroit allow this Matterhorn of Toxic Materials to reach a height of 22 stories and expand to cover ten square miles of downtown Detroit.

The Kochs will kick in $10,000,000 dollars of their own money provided it can be acquired through Federal EPA grants and religious right charities. The City of Detroit and the state will be liable for the rest including any cost overruns. Construction will be performed by subsidiaries of Koch industries, Bechtel and Halliburton.

Governor of nearby Wisconsin Scott Walker has expressed excitement at the project and offered $50,000,000 of Wisconsin taxpayer money in return for a 3% discount on all skiing activities and fine dining at the site for all Wisconsin residents.

"Be a Real Man. Live in a Toxic Shithole of my Making for the Bragging Rights, " Koch Says.

The plan calls for 870 trillion additional tons of highly toxic waste product to be dumped until the skyline is dominated by a jet black mountain peaked with artificially generated snow in the summer months and beautiful Detroit City frozen precip in the winter. The snow machines will also dispense discount, licorice colored snow cones to the kiddies.

Perched on the west slope of ‘Tar Sands Ski and Resort’ will be a 1200 room luxury hotel and spa overlooking the natural beauty of the Detroit River with the sunlight glinting off the dead fish foolish enough to attempt to navigate the waterway.

Entertainment will be booked in the main casino and surrounding lounges. The Biggest Pussy to ever come out of Detroit, Ted Nugent, has agreed to be the christening act with the deaf band and utterly untalented international PR cunts and male sex fantasy, the Pussy Riot Girls playing back up.

Ski lifts in the form of old coal shuttles are already being warehoused in the city.

As a bonus David Koch has promised to stop rump ripping Detroit’s beleaguered rat population though Miami rats have proven too tight for the sanguine billionaire’s massive meat mullet.

Prison Labor to Help Build Resort

The project will create 2000 jobs, mostly filled by nearby prison labor, for the bankrupt city. However, under the current agreement, workers must put their salaries toward the project’s construction and planning costs. “It’s only fair. What schmuck in Detroit owns his own tall crane? Fuck. I own 2000 of the fuckers.” David Koch explained. “To a rat’s ass my dick must seem like a really big crane. After the project is done and we’re making money, then we’ll talk about paying the workers, Scott Walker style.”

“Or better yet, they can work in the hotel bussing tables and cleaning rooms and we can pay them less than minimum wage for the construction work too,” Charles Koch chimed. “The Great American Bald Lemming has to realize by now that the Scott Walker’s of the world are a dime a dozen. I say suck me off Scott. And Scott makes like a shop vac.”