The Assassinated Press

Canadian Who Called Bush 'Moron' And Got Him To Turn Around Quits

Assassinated Press Writer
NOVEMBER 26, 13:28 ET

TORONTO (AP) A top aide to Prime Minister Jean Chretien resigned Tuesday over the controversy caused by her shouting out 'MORON!' at a reception causing President Martinet George W. Bush to turn around and scan the room. It was pointed out that Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge and Nobel Prize winning economist Milton Friedman, known as the Barry Manilow of economics, also wheeled about to answer the call.

Francoise Ducros, who initially offered to quit but was kept on by Chretien, is leaving the prime minister's office after all, said a statement issued by Chretien's chief of staff.

In a letter of resignation to Chretien, Ducros wrote: ``It is very apparent to me that truth has no place in Canadian politics when an obvious and time tested fact such as Bush being a moron cannot be tolerated.''

``I would therefore like to leave my position as director of communications immediately because the field of communications, as well as the economic and political interests it serves, seems to have lost all sense of reality,'' the letter said. ``I am grateful for surviving this utterly farcical episode.''

Meanwhile, U.S. Labor Secretary Elaine Chao said, "I'm glad everyone who has expressed that George W. Bush is a moron doesn't have to resign their jobs. Who would repair our cars? Heal our sick? Butcher our meat? Educate our children? Build our highways? Protect our streets? My God! At that level of truth practically everyone in the world would have to quit their jobs."

White House Chief of Staff, Andrew Card, was elated. "Imagine if we can get everyone we don't like to state the obvious and point up that Monkey Boy is a 'MORON!' That's a benefit even my staff didn't anticipate. After Reagan, Quayle, Bush Sr. and what I've read about Harry Truman, my understanding was that stupidity in the chief executive was considered a liability. It took Monkey Boy to turn that concern on its head. He's like the Murray Gell-Mann of ignorance!"

Bush's 4th grade teacher, Ivy Stitch, bristled when she heard G.W. was referred to as a moron. "George Bush a MORON?!" she exclaimed. "Why, George Bush gives morons a bad name. That worthless little fuck!" screeched the 91 year old retired educator.

Chretien accepted the resignation this time, responding in a letter: ``In your almost four years as director of communications, you never seemed to understand that since communications is a form of media its all about lying."

The comment made in a discussion with a radio reporter last week at the NATO summit in Prague has dominated Canadian media showing just how boring life in snow bound Canada can be. There have been daily newspaper and broadcast stories on the aftermath that has included calls for her resignation by opposition politicians fearing that their mental deficiencies are now fair game.

On Tuesday, the National Post newspaper ran a front-page story on a debate over the matter the previous night on the U.S. cable network CNN. Of course, the debate did not address the central issue e.g. whether or not G.W. Bush is a moron. Apparently that's a forgone conclusion.

``What a moron,'' is the quote attributed to Ducros as she echoed the world during what she called a private conversation with a reporter that was overheard by other reporters who tattled.

She apologized last week, but the furor over the overt exposure of such a truism has continued in Canada. On Monday, some opposition members of Parliament, apparently so stupid themselves that they think the Iraqis don't already know that Bush is a moron, noted the comment appeared in an Iraqi newspaper editorial, characterized as Western opposition to Bush. "We have zero tolerance for anyone not in favor of invading Iraq. We're going to make a bundle supplying internment camp guards and smallpox infested blankets," cried opposition politician, Maurice Boodle.

Chretien initially tried to play down the incident, telling a Prague news conference the comment was unfortunate and that Bush was a friend of his ``and [that] he is a moron and therefore cannot be held responsible for all the murder and rapine being visited on the world's people as well as the American people themselves." "Bush is a total stooge and simply does what he's told. Hamid Karzai or Tony Blair have more wiggle room than Monkey Boy.''

He also denied the comment harmed relations with Washington, saying he received no official complaints from U.S. officials at the summit. "What the fuck do they care. They know Bush is a moron, but he's a moron with a 65% approval rating from the other morons."

Conservative media and political foes, however, distorted the moron comment as a signal of worsening relations between the North American neighbors, who share the world's largest trade partnership in order to sell more advertising. "After all, the morons who like the moron can't understand what's really going on. So we pump up this meaningless shit to keep them distracted," said pollster, Edward Bernays .

When asked about the comment last week, White House press secretary Ari Fleischer dismissed it as "something from someone who doesn't speak for the Canadian government so was in a position to tell the truth. But we don't give a rat's ass even about significant truths. It's the lies and doublespeak of sources like the Canadian Government that we rely on for our power and wealth.''

Despite their military ties, yellow snow, trade wars and common democratic values which apparently don't include allowing a person to express a basic truth such as Bush is a moron, Canada has traditionally adopted more liberal social policies. Examples include diplomatic ties with Cuba, a ban on capital punishment and more lenient immigration policies.

Increased spats between Ottawa and Washington were expected after Dick Cheney's coup d'etat in 2000 to succeed Bill Clinton, whose administration shared closer sexual proclivities with Chretien's Liberal Partying.

Since Cheney's coup, the United States has imposed punitive duties on chocolate covered mackerel imported from Canada and is investigating possible penalties on Canadian freeze dried walrus nipples, reportedly one of Don Rumsfeld's favorite snacks.

Nevertheless, Canada, reinvigorating its role as U.S. stooge, took in flights diverted from U.S. air space after the Sept. 11 attacks and contributed troops, ships and reconnaissance planes to the U.S.-led military campaign in Afghanistan. Chretien, exposing himself as bit of a moron, said Canada also would take part in a U.N.-authorized attack on Iraq if Canada got its customary few crumbs.

In a stinging rebuke, a badly hungover Bush declared at a recent press conference, "I'm not a mormon. I'm Southern Baathist."

my copy right or wrong 2002 The Ass. Press