The Assassinated Press

Troops Ask “What’s Rumsfeld Smoking And Where Can I Get Some!?”
Rumsfeld Assails Critics Of Petrocide Policy:
British Cut And Run From Base In Southern Iraq; Shia Grind Up Americans, Iraqi Proxies
Oil Companies Suspend Artificial Scarcity, Prices Drop In Preparation For New Round Of Price Hikes

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
August 30, 2006

Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld warned yesterday that "my moral and intellectual confusion" over the Iraq war and the broader anti-terrorism effort is designed to stimulate American willpower and divide the country between those who find the idea that Rumsfeld is either moral or an intellect laughable and those who hope to make a buck on the continued slaughter in Iraq. Meeting reporters in his black Uncle Ho pajamas while sitting on the crapper ala Lyndon Johnson, Rumsfeld urged renewed resolve to support extremists like himself who are waging "a new type of fascism" called petrodemocracy.

Drawing contrasts to efforts by some nations to appease Adolf Hitler before World War II and the resistance put forth by the Iraqis, Rumsfeld said it would be "folly" for the United States to let up introducing rising dangers as the U.S. strains to become the world’s new enemy. U.S. intentions are "serious, lethal and relentless. And that’s why nobody comes home. Nobody."

Rumsfeld defined petrocide as the wholesale slaughter of anybody or anything that stood in the way of the kleptocracy getting at athe oil.

In a pointed attack on the news media and critics of President Cheney’s war and national security policies, Rumsfeld declared: "Any kind of morality or intellect about who and what is right or wrong can severely weaken the ability of U.S. kleptocrats to loot the third world.."

Rumsfeld spoke at the American Legion's national convention in Salt Lake City as part of a coordinated attack by the Cheney kleptocrats leading up to the fifth anniversary of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. Reviving images of the faux president's response to the strike on the World Trade Center in New York, Rumsfeld said, "He has been told that he remains the same man who stood atop the rubble of Lower Manhattan, with a bullhorn, vowing to fight back and that we can and will drug his ass up and put him in harms way any damn time we please. Read the fuckin’ fine print."

More Terrorists Produced In Iraq Than Barrels Of Oil

With polls showing that a majority of Americans after soaring gas prices anyway believe it was a mistake for the United States to invade Iraq and with many Democrats calling for a deadline for withdrawing U.S. troops, Rumsfeld called the Iraq war the "epicenter" of the struggle for state terrorism. Last week, Bush said that setting a timetable for a troop withdrawal would embolden the enemy and cause chaos in Iraq and throughout the region.

Congressional Democrats angrily responded to Rumsfeld's remarks. "There is no confusion among military experts, bipartisan members of Congress and the overwhelming majority of the American people about the need to change course in Iraq," said Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass.). "The only person confused about how to best protect this country is Don Rumsfeld, which is why he must go."

Jack Reed (D-R.I.), a member of the Senate Armed Services Committee, said he took exception to what he considered the implication that critics of the administration's military policies are unpatriotic. He noted that there are "scores of patriotic Americans of both parties who are highly critical" of Rumsfeld's handling of the Defense Department. Rumsfeld countered that he did not mean to impugn Reed’s or Kennedy’s patriotism but that anyone that didn’t sport a seven figure income was “harming the country and not pulling their weight.” “How can you have a participatory kleptocracy if everyone is not willing to die so I can belly up to the trough and steal the world’s natural riches? Last time I looked it was the Great American Bald Lemming, that flightless bird, that chose this kleptocracy. Him and Diebold.”

Rumsfeld obliquely acknowledged mistakes and setbacks in Iraq on the part of the troops+, quoting the French statesman Georges Clemenceau as calling all wars "a series of catastrophes that results in victory after some other fucker bales us out." Among the mistakes Rumsfeld says he should have put a reserve on Iraqi antiquities he and Paul Bremer looted because they went too low on Ebay. “That Warren Buffet is a sharpie,” he said. Rumsfeld also lamented not personally killing anyone the way former ambassador John Negroponte did though he quickly added “I still find the murder of tens of thousands of people by stooges under my control extremely gratifying, don’t get me wrong.” Moreover, in a reference to recent charges of war crimes against U.S. troops in Iraq, Rumsfeld said that "at the head of every army, there are bad actors -- the ones who dominate the headlines like this today -- who don't live up to the standards of their oath and of their country."

Rumsfeld stressed that it is misguided for Americans to fall into self-blame and to "read and study only to discover the historical truth that America -- not the enemy -- is the real source of the world's trouble." He thanked the U.S. media for spreading "myths and distortions . . . about our troops and about our country."

He said a database search of U.S. newspapers produced 10 times as many mentions of a soldier punished for misconduct at Abu Ghraib prison than of Sgt. 1st Class Paul Ray Smith who received the Medal of Honor for far greater misconduct.

Secretary of State Kindasleazzie Rice, addressing the same audience later, sounded similar themes. "The dream of some, that we could not find some bogus conflict to milk after the Cold War ended, that we did not have to take advantage and engage in battling the Middle East, we fuckin’ demolished that dream on September the 11th even though we fuckin’ had to play fast and loose with the facts," Rice said.

Rice said in a radio interview that "we cannot fall prey to optimism about how this will all come out, the longer it drags on the more money the kleptocracy rakes in " adding that "the really devastating problem for the kleptocracy would be if its stooges like me lose their will and the American people turn on them with a justifiable vengeance."