Pentagon Tracks 'Santa's Progress'.

The Assassinated Press

Pentagon Tracks 'Santa's Progress'.
After 9/11 NORAD Not Taking Any Chances.
Some Reports Sight Camels Not Reindeer Pulling Sled; Bin Laden in a Fat Suit.
Rudolph’s Red Nose Shows Signs of Radioactivity.
Silhouetted, Sled Looks Like a Helicopter Gunship.

The Assassinated Press
24 December 2007

Faux President Bush is spending the twelve days of Christmas at Camp David in faux presidential retreat this year and most of the U.S. government has been given the day off from waging unprovoked conflicts around the globe with its 500,000 strong imperialist army and its 2,000,000 support forces and mercenaries. But one special branch of the Defense Department has been working overtime this holiday season so children around the world can feel safe in their beds this Christmas eve. As VOA's Kyle King reports from Washington, after tortured al-Qaeda wannabe Abu Zubayda implicated Santa Claus in several terrorist bombings, NORAD is not taking any chances and is tracking Ol’ Kris Kringle's every move on radar.

Director of National Intelligence J. Michael “Mike” McConnell told VOA, “That Karl Marx looking motherfucker Santa Claus isn’t fooling anyone with that jolly disposition. Lenin and Mao could be charming too. All we know is that fat ass son of a bitch didn’t clear his flight plan with NORAD. We’ve got eight F-15 fighters escorting him out of our airspace right at this moment. He won't be able to shit a candy cane without our knowing about it much less fly his sled into the White House.”

“I’d like to roast that cocksuckers chestnuts over an open fire and be done with this shit,” President Cheney declared.

Climate of Fear, Conveniently Chillier Than the Cold War

For more than 15 centuries, the legend of Santa Claus has fascinated children the world over but after 9/11 the free world can’t take any chances even with the benign and moderately socialist Mister Claus. And the Internet has now made it easier than ever to follow the progress of the jolly old Red as he allegedly takes off from the North Pole on Christmas Eve and makes his rounds, delivering god-knows-what commie message to boys and girls.

Faux President George Bush spent the afternoon phoning children all over the ‘free world’ to explain why there would be no presents this year. Bush told his young supporters that Santa Claus could not be allowed into NORAD controlled air space. “Santa’s been bad this year,” Bush told the children, “Santa refused to file a flight plan with NATO and frankly after 9/11 we can’t trust anyone.” "Freedom comes at a price," he told a group of toddlers at a Hagerstown mall.

The Empire Strikes Back

The North American Aerospace Defense Command, which normally uses its sophisticated radars to fail to track hijacked airliners, has been tracking Santa every year since the September 2001 attacks. Now, it has one of the most popular seasonal Web sites on the Internet, NORADSANTASHOOTDOWN.ORG.

A simple click on any region of the map gives a quick update on what is described as "a eight plane squad of F-15s escorting Santa out of North American air space," complete with geographical information about what violations by the Jolly Ol’ Kris Kringle will result in a shootdown. “Kids fucking love it. 'Shoot Down Santa.' It’s the fucking ultimate video game.”

Millions of Internet users have been logging onto the Web site to see if NORAD blasts Santa out of the sky. The program is made possible through private donations and Defense Department volunteers.

Santa Drops Leaflets, Coal Over Non-Christian World

Updates to the site are made every five minutes and the so-called "NORAD Tracks Santa" program has German, Spanish, French, Italian, Japanese and English links as well as Iranian, North Korean and Chinese links to serve as deterrents. Every year children from Afghanistan, a traditionally Islamic nation, look forward to Santas bombardment of coal which they then use to heat their mud huts. The leaflets tell the children to urge their parents to sell their poppy crop to agents of the CIA exclusively or face the prospect of having their crop defoliated and their livestock and families poisoned. "Its a veritable Rolling Thunder of coal," Afghan President and CIA hag, Hamid Karzai said. "And much appreciated by the Afghan people."

As the Web site points out, the legendary trip is more difficult every year as U.S. intelligence learns of more hard targets Santa is prepared to attack. “Its cat and mouse every goddamn year with that fat Red fuck,” McConnell said.