The Assassinated Press

Director of National Intelligence James Clapper Offered to Pay Edward Snowden’s Ex-Girlfriend for Sex
Koch Brothers Say US’s Spying Initiatives Infringe on Their Own Domestic Spying
Most Americans Fearing Retribution from Government and Corporations Say They Are OK with Surveillance

The Assassinated Press

In what would be a bizarre twist virtually anywhere on the planet other than official Washington the NSA’s own records have revealed that Director of National Intelligence James Clapper has been for nearly a year offering whistleblower Edward Snowden’s girlfriend Lindsay Mills up to $1500.00 of taxpayer money for a single night of sex.

Some are calling this the smoking gun behind Snowden’s revelations of NSA domestic spying and the NSA’s use of that information to destroy political, media and economic enemies such as Tesla Automakers, Keith Olbermann, Michael Moore and Glenn Beck and consumer activists Elizabeth Warren and Ralph Nader and numerous public unions.

What about ‘Nitwittingly’?

When asked by Diane Feinstein if he attempted to extort or pay for sex from Ms. Mills, Clapper answered,” Not wittingly.” A breathtaking pubic lie like that was enough to convince Diane she better the fuck switch sides because these guys at the NSA fear nothing.

Snowden was apparently miffed by Clappers’ advances toward his girlfriend . He learned of those advances not from Ms. Mills, but through NSA intercepts that he himself received at his desk in Hawaii.

When asked about her husband’s activities, Mrs. Clapper said, “Oh Jim. He just can’t keep it in his pants. Look at his head. Looks like a giant shiny penis, don’t it. One of you reporters gonna be a sweetheart and make a gin run for me.”

The records show Clapper made 116 calls to Ms. Mills after Snowden introduced his pole dancing girl friend to the retired general at an inter-intelligence gossip swapping party at NSA headquarters in July of last year.

Clapper pays for sex

NSA records also reveal that on numerous occasions Clapper has arranged to have sex with high priced hookers and pliant high school girls. On several occasions he has used information gathered by the NSA to extort sex from Hollywood starlets, members of the pro bowling tour, member sof Congress, and even men with Islamic sounding names.

Clapper’s Inner Circle Is Known as the 'Panty Sniffers'

His unfortunate last name has caused some of those propositioned to demure leading to their arrest and/or the destruction of their careers. NSA records reveal he has pursued Lindsay Lohan and Courtney Love for over a decade and that this is the main reason he took the job at the NSA so he could put even more pressure on them to “fuck [him], fuck [him] hard, fuck [him] hard up the ass with my Voltaire’s Angry Glove” as he put it in one email to a 16 year old Lindsay Lohan intercepted by the NSA.

Chairwoman Diane Feinstein and Vice-Chairman Kit Bond of the United States Senate Select Committee on Intelligence had offered reservations regarding his appointment, but soon changed their mind. Hmmm. President Obama made the official announcement on June 5, 2010 saying Clapper "possesses a quality that I value in all my advisers: a willingness to tell leaders what we need to know even if it's not what we want to hear." Wow! What a judge of character this Obama asshole turned out to be.

In related news, Cargill has joined with Monsanto and Koch industries to expand its global intelligence gathering capabilities “to stay a step ahead of the NSA” as Cargill CEO ‘Ragin’ Greg Page put it to this reporter. In 2003, Cargill created an independent subsidiary called Black River Asset Management, a $5.6 billion hedge fund that leverages the company's unmatched global intelligence-gathering capability to make big bets on commodities and land on behalf of pension funds and university endowments. This fund was instrumental in destroying the world economy and leaving millions destitute.

David Koch, speaking at a private dinner in honor of the alliance, said, “This time we’ll impoverish billions and with our intel capabilities and our our hundreds of Outsourced NSA contracts, we’ll be able to keep every little weasel in the world in line from American presidents to evangelical turnip farmers.”

A new poll claims average Americans by a wide majority support surveillance as long as those who spy on them don’t also harm them. Most respondents feel they’ll be overlooked because they’re just insignificant squats whose petty offenses, fetishes, addictions and all around bad behavior is so numerically overwhelming and ubiquitously hypocritical that the intelligence community is not likely to fuck them up even if they could figure out where to start.

“As long as I stay a nobody and I say the surveillance is okay with me, maybe they’ll leave me alone,” Kent Johnson of Fort Cowfart, Indiana told the Assassinated Press.