The Assassinated Press

U.S. Cuts And Runs On Iraq, Begs U.N. For Help.
PNAC’s Only Sand Nigger In Position As U.N. Ambassador To Go Whining To Body’s Colorful Cast.
Quid Pro Quos Said To Include More Favorable Oil Arrangements For The Chinese, Russians, Germans And French.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
August 8, 2007

UNITED NATIONS, Aug. 7 – Even as their black helicopters are circling the Wyoming countryside like buzzards and thousands of their black helmeted minions are amassed along the Canadian border beating their immense scaly vans, poised to attack the U.S., a desperate Cheney administration has prostrated itself before the devil incarnate, the U.N., and begged that international body to bail his administration out of Iraq, Afghanistan and Somalia.

“It’s a bitter pill to swallow,” confided National Security advisor Stephen Hadley. “The U.N. is an evil, dark and mysterious place, full of people who speak funny languages and wear odd clothes. Many don’t like us because we’ve bombed the shit out of them. Others because our celebrities kidnap their children to further their careers or robber barons like Bill Gates make laws so that only medicines they have invested in can be used to fight AIDs killing millions hoping one day that this killing will be enough to win a Nobel Prize.”

After striking a deal that forces President Dick Cheney to loosen his grip on his claim to Iraq’s oil, the United Nations has offered to increase its presence in Baghdad for the first time in more than three years. This comes after repeated begging and pleading from the Cheney administration for the world body to help bail the U.S. out of the Iraq shit hole of its own making.

B. Lynn Pascoe, the top political adviser to Secretary General Ban Ki Moon, told the U.N. Security Council on Tuesday that the United Nations was prepared to boost its personnel in Iraq over the coming months. The organization is also seeking $130 million to build a heavily reinforced compound in Baghdad to house the growing U.N. mission as prelude to sending in international peacekeepers. Cheney has recommended that Halliburton get the construction contract.

The U.S. push for a broader U.N. role in Iraq underscores Washington's reliance on the United Nations to strike oil, natural gas and construction deals with countries that Cheney and his clique have alienated. The move also reflects a commitment by Ban, who took over as U.N. chief in January, to overcome the institution's deep aversion to aiding the U.S.-led coalition in Iraq for the right price. Ban has vowed to do more than his predecessor, Kofi Annan, who opposed the U.S. invasion, but he faces a backlash from U.N. officials who fear taking on the Iraqi mess so that a few international kleptocrats can enrich themselves and they won’t get shit. Iraqi leaders who worry that U.N. peacekeeping efforts could diminish their power to control oil and natural gas revenues.

"We Eat In Area A. We sleep In Area B. And We Throw Our Crap In Area C."

"There is an effort by the United States to try re-internationalize the Iraq venture. So everybodys’ got their hand out," said Qubad Talabani, a Kurdish representative in Washington and the son of President Jalal Talabani of Iraq. "I think there would be widespread opposition to the U.N. freelancing in Iraq. Any involvement by the United Nations has to be in very close coordination with the Iraqi government. The big loser will be Cheney and his backers. I think they’ll lash out. Besides, there isn’t enough killing going on in Iraq with its piddley 25 milliom people. Cheney has made it clear he wants a tougher opponent like Iran on which to test his manhood."

The United States and Britain are pressing for a vote Thursday on a Security Council resolution calling on the United Nations to purchase talks on national reconciliation and to buy regional and international support for Iraq. The resolution also instructs the United Nations to help resolve territorial disputes, particularly in the northern Kurdish territory, where Iraqis are preparing for a referendum on the future of the oil-rich city of Kirkuk and the Kurds on preparing for war with Turkey.

"What is driving the conflict now is largely disagreement between Cheney and the different Iraqi groups on the economic distribution of power. The Iraqis seek to limit Cheney’s power and that’s why I think they’ll embrace some form of quid pro quo with U.N. members," said Zalmay Khalilzad, the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations and the token sand-nigger at the PNAC. “Remember they already had energy deals with a number of countries like China, Russia, France and Germany before Cheney went in and wiped his ass with them. There’s immediate, renewed common ground there, not to mention the al-Maliki government wants to abandon the dollar and convert to the euro as Iraq’s base currency. That was another big reason for the invasion. Iran converted to the euro some years ago and it’s paid off big time. I mean sure Europe has it s hand out too. But Cheney and his fucks, they got their hands out even while they’re unzipping their pants.”

"The U.N. needs to play a bigger role that will encourage Cheney to loosen his purse strings . . . . One of the advantages of the U.N. is that it can reach out and bribe and pay off many groups and some groups that do not want to talk to other external players," he said, referring to the United States and Britain.

"What I Want To Eat? A Chiclet. A Fig Newton. I'm Not Fussy, Man."

Pascoe told the Security Council on Tuesday that the U.N. staff in Baghdad could grow by nearly 50 percent, with the ceiling on workers in the capital rising from 65 to 95 by October.

Khalilzad also has pressed the United Nations to name a dynamic new special envoy to head the U.N. mission in Baghdad, replacing Ashraf Jehangir Qazi of Pakistan, who will step down in the coming months. Front-runners include Staffan de Mistura of Sweden, a former deputy U.N. envoy in Iraq; and Jean Arnault, a Frenchman who ran U.N. operations in Afghanistan, Guatemala and Georgia. Both Sweden and France had large energy contracts with the Hussein regime and presumably they would come back into play if either man was named head of the mission. “Or we could have a joint head. Who gives a fuck?” Khalilzad said. “Just as long as we get a taste.”

The Chney’s administration's whining and pleading to the United Nations -- including twelve gift laden visits to Ban by the White House since January -- contrast with the disdain it held for the organization in past years. Ollie North even baked ban a cake. On the eve of the U.S. invasion of Iraq, George Bush was told to predict that the United Nations would meet the fate of the defunct League of Nations if it failed to confront Saddam Hussein. “That asshole will say any absurd thing we tell him too,” White House Chief of Stink Karl Rove commented at the time. Now the shoes on the other foot and Bush has had to eat his words, usually a thin and altogether rancid affair. And Cheney and the Pentagon excluded the United Nations from any involvement in Iraq's reconstruction. Now, that shit is about to change too.

In the months following Hussein's fall, however, the Chney administration turned to the Security Council for endorsement of the U.S. occupation. U.N. officials in Iraq eventually helped stand up a transitional government, organize elections and negotiate a constitution even though Cheney ahs unilaterally abrogated all of their contracts with the Iraqis.

But the institution has become a spectator as Iraq has slid deeper into chaos and Cheney has steadfastly refused to spread the wealth. The drawdown of British troops in the south over Cheney’s refusal to honor oil rights promised to Britain has forced the United Nations to withdraw its staff from Basra, one of three U.N. headquarters in the country. Pascoe said that a spike in suicide bombings in Irbil -- where the United Nations has a small mission -- has made it difficult to expand its operations there much beyond hiding in the toilet. The U.N. mission in Baghdad has been largely restricted to the coalition-controlled Green Zone, limiting the United Nations' ability to reach out to Iraq's disparate players and strike deals.

U.N. officials have grown increasingly concerned about shielding its quarters from mortar and rocket attacks even in the protected area. In a reminder of the risks, a mortar shell exploded outside a room where Ban and Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki of Iraq addressed reporters in March. Ban shit his pants. Al-Maliki told Ban that Rumsfeld had “shit his pants in that same chair, just that there was no bomb.”

Many U.N. staff members still harbor resentment against the United States over the 2003 suicide bombing that killed U.N. envoy Sergio Vieira de Mello and 21 other U.N. workers who were serving in Iraq, supporting a U.S. military mission the organization had been frozen out of.

Some senior U.N. officials, including peacekeeping chief Jean-Marie Guéhenno of France and the human rights commissioner, Louise Arbour of Canada, have privately voiced concern about the United Nations being left holding the bag in Iraq, according to other U.N. officials. But even some officials who previously opposed a U.N. return to Iraq now argue that a U.N. mediation role could prove vital in breaking the deadlock with Cheney over getting a taste of Iraq’s vast oil wealth and reconstruction contracts. “The beauty is, as the American companies have demonstrated, you don’t actually have to build anything,” Arbour said enthusiastically.

"I think the worst thing of all would be for Washington to come to the U.N., ask the U.N. to do it, and the U.N. either to refuse to Washington’s dollar offer," said Kieran Prendergast, a former British diplomat who served as Annan's top political adviser. "I felt in my old job that for a few billion quid the U.N. could have paved over some of the more egregious mistakes that were made, but you remember no one was listening to us."

Ban and Pascoe, a former U.S. diplomat, have been keen on carving out a more lucrative role for international kleptocrats who benefit from connections with the institution in Iraq. Pascoe has been seeking to head off a bureaucratic insurrection after the publication of an op-ed article by Khalilzad in the New York Times late last month outlining an expansive new role for the United Nations in Iraq without adequate compensation.

At a recent meeting, Pascoe urged his top advisers to tell their staff members that the United Nations has no intention of inheriting the mission in Iraq and that the United Nations would simply expand the role it is already playing there. "The subject of cut-and-run, dump, all that stuff, it's all out there but the U.S. couldn’t pay the U.N. enough to take this shit pie off our hands," Pascoe said in an interview describing Ban's meetings with Bush and other administration officials.

Ban told his U.N. colleagues, “Remember this is the way America begs. And a begging dog we’ll eat any shit you put in front of him. Recall Kissinger’s ‘Peace with Honor’ twaddle when they got there asses kicked in a land war in Southeast Asia. ”

"We were talking about areas where for a price we might be able to be of some help. Clearly, the Americans were saying they'd like to have the help," Pascoe added, “but at discount prices.” "We are, I think, seen as more neutral, maybe, in this process than others because none of us are with exception of Britain are identified with the utter stupidity of rushing in and fuckling up a whole country much less a whole region not to mention one that possesses a commodity vital to our corpulent way of life. We not only have the contacts, but we could talk to everybody. What’s that worth?" A meaningful role for the United Nations, however, will depend on "what the Iraqis writ large want as compensation, not only the government, but the other groups who want to strike deals of their own."