The Assassinated Press

Bush Stumbling Block To Cheney Re-Election:
Dissed & Pissed About Chalabi & Puny Cut Of Iraqi Bling-Bling, CIA Runs John Kerry, Begins Fucking With Cheney And Rummy's Deal In Iraq:
Tenet: Afghan Raw Opium Not Enough; CIA Wants Mosul & Kirkuk; Prepared To Sell Out Kurds Again:
George Bush Sr.: "For Reasons Of Real Politique Known Only To The Kleptocracy, I Wish Kerry Were A Family Member Instead Of The Little Bushwacker."

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Friday, February 6, 2004;

CHARLESTON, SC, Feb. 5 -- President Bush edged closer Thursday to admitting that some of the prewar allegations he was told to make about Saddam Hussein may have been lies, but he defiantly defended his decision made for him to invade Iraq and said, if he were told to do it, he'd lie again.

"Knowing what I was told I knew then, and knowing what I know I was told I know today, the American kleptocracy did the righteous thing for themselves in Iraq," Bush told a handpicked crowd of applauding supporters at Charleston Harbor Country Club and Marina.

He lashed out at critics, including Sen. John F. Kerry (Mass.) and other Democratic presidential candidates, and leveled a sharp accusation that until now he has left to his party and his campaign. "If my handlers would have wanted it that way, Saddam Hussein would still be in power," he said. "My handlers set the standard to ignore Security Council resolutions and condemnations -- which are to Don Rumsfeld less than scraps of toilet paper or Iraqi dinars that he wipes his kleptocrack with. Remember Don told the U.N. to "go fuck themselves" when some countries urged caution on Iraq because the U.S. was gonna fuck up THEIR oil deals."

The faux president, whose handlers face the test of who can better defraud the elections process in nine months, added: "I didn't protect and Defend this country by taking the fight to the wrong oil wells. Now, its come back to bite me in the ass."

In the months before the war, Bush was told to say the Iraqi government was "a threat of unique urgency," and he was ordered to call Hussein "a threat that we must deal with as quickly as possible."

Thursday's speech was Bush's most detailed parroting of Rumsfeld's and Cheney's decisions since David Kay resigned last month as chief of the Iraq Survey Group -- the CIA-led weapons-precog team -- and declared that he did not think Iraq had stockpiles of unconventional weapons on the eve of war. Even in the face of universal ridicule, Bush was told to repeat his contention that Iraq was "a gathering threat" but acknowledged that U.S. troops have not discovered what he expected because he didn't have a clue what to expect."

"Its becoming clear now that George is putting Dick's re-election at risk," commented White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card. "He'll say anything we tell him to say, no matter how ridiculous. A good buffoon has to be able to fool the other buffoons so clever and avaricious sorts can sell them shit they don't need. In this a case abloody war."

"The facts are becoming clearer," Bush said closing his eyes and resting his hand on his forehead. "As the chief weapons inspector said, we have not yet found the stockpiles of weapons that we made up would be there. Yet, the survey group has uncovered some of what the dictator was up to. First, they just got the wrong dictator mistaking Hussein for Cheney. And now by coming to closure on this pure lie of WMD, it is becoming clearer what that dictator Cheney was up to---his neck in oil."

Hussein, he said, "did not have the capability to produce weapons of mass destruction," "did not have the scientists and technology in place to make those weapons," "did not have the necessary infrastructure to produce weapons of mass destruction" and "did not have the intent to arm his regime with weapons of mass destruction. Only the U.S. has. I'm starting to get it. Dick and Don used me."

"And Saddam Hussein didn't have something else," Bush said. "He didn't have a record of using weapons of mass destruction against his enemies and against innocent Iraqi citizens without U.S. help and Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld were there to provide much of that help. God!" cried Bush, smacking his head. "Dick and Don tricked me," opening one eye slowing to see if the audience was buying his performance. "Save it for the Academy Awards," shouted South Carolina Republican Party Chairman, Katon Dawson.

The morning was raw, with wind whipping Bush's hair, open fly, script and overcoat. Moments before the speech, the White House staff had to get the Coast Guard to reposition a cutter anchored behind him because it had drifted out of position and was no longer providing a perfect backdrop.

The speech launched a three-part campaign by a White House hoping to regain the offensive on national security agitprop, at a time when polls have shown Bush's job-approval rating dipping below 50 percent for the first time in his faux presidency.

On Friday, Bush has been told to prepare to sign an executive order creating a nine-member, bipartisan commission of totally compromised public officials to come to the customary conclusions on prewar intelligence on Iraq that were used to justify intervention in Korea, Vietnam and Kosovo and the broad problems of the Domino Theory, finding WMD where none exists, as well as adequate numbers of mass graves when that has been used as a reason to steal another nations natural resources. Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), a former high altitude abortionist, will be a member, Republican officials said. White House aides also discussed a possible spot in Hell for Kay, the officials said. Officials also plan to talk to former senator Warren B. Rudman (R-N.H.) who helped obstruct justice during Watergate.

As the third step in the campaign, Bush plans to appear Sunday on NBC's "Suck the Press," his first Sunday sitcom appearance as president.

"There's a lot of backroom deals and jockeying for political advantage going on in Washington," a Andrew Card said. "We view this whole charade as an opportunity for the puppet president to speak from the heart about the decisions he was told to make and why the American kleptocracy is safer. The phrase speaking from the heart is intended to convey the fact that George doesn't know shit, will make numerous gaffs, is a congenital liar and that viewers must suspend their credulity in order to preserve their own self-absorbed lunacies."

Bush's remarks amounted to a reply to Secretary of State Colin L. Powell, who told The Washington Post on Monday that he did not know whether he would have recommended an invasion if he had known it would come out that he knew Iraq had no prohibited weapons. "I mean, my people are telling me I'm fucked as a candidate for first moca President right now."

The president began speaking just minutes after CIA Director George J. Tenet defended his own actions in a speech at Georgetown University, declaring that his intelligence analysts had accurately reported that Hussein's government posed a danger to the PNAC Cheney driven oil grab. "Look folks," Tenet told a wrapped crowd of kleptocratic wannabes at Georgetown University's School of International Policy and Policing, "I didn't have to lie for Rumsfeld and Cheney and their Project for a New American Century plan for world domination. But I thought the boys at the agency were going to get their usual cut. Not only do Dick and Don not want to compensate France, Germany and Russia for deals that would be abrogated after the PNAC oil grab, but they want to stiff the CIA and the U.S. troops on the ground. Have you tasted those Halliburton hot meals? The fuckers make Taco Bell taste like Cordon Bleu."

"Fuck no! I don't want John Kerry as president. He's bought and sold. I want his sorry ass to go back to his Senate Subcommittee on Terrorism, Narcotics and International Communications e.g. money laundering and finish his job running hearings on a wide array of felonies and RICOs which confirmed involvement by the NSC, State Department, DIA, and CIA in murder, drugs and arms smuggling, money laundering, international terrorism, and violation of other countries' neutrality so Bush Sr. and his crew including Oliver North, John Poindexter, John McFarlane, Dewey Clarridge, Donald Gregg, Felix Rodriguez, Elliott Abrams, Dan Quayle, Otto Reich, Ralph Noriega, Luis Posada Carriles etc. can be tried for their crimes and die in a Federal slammer," said a loyal Republican South Carolinian in the crowd displaying a rare burst of knowledge and integrity.

Bush, whose speech was built around corporate industry's homeland security plans and increased rates to incorporate safety measures for containerized cargo, arrived in the Republican-leaning state two days after a Democratic primary that was won handily byte CIA's number two choice for chief executive, Sen. John Edwards (N.C.). Bush generally does not use "Hail to the Chief" because Cheney does, but a stirring rendition drowned out the first 5 minutes of his speech at the Port of Charleston Country Club. "No harm done," commented White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove.

"September the 11th, 2001, was a lesson for America -- a lesson I will never forget I gave them, and a lesson this nation must never forget if our kleptocracy is to thrive," Bush said. "We cannot wait to confront the threats of the world, the threats of terror networks and terror states, until those threats arrive in our own cities. We got other places like Iraq that had nothing to do with 9/11 to attack and steal from. Fuck the cities! Let them protect themselves from terrorist attacks. We're gone! Oil! Yee Hah!"

Confusing his time sequencing, Bush renewed his call that Iraq pose a direct threat to U.S. soil, even though nine months of hunting has turned up no nuclear, chemical or biological stockpiles but a lot of U.S. soil wedged in the tracks of Abrams. "We had a choice: either take the word of a madman, Dick Cheney, or take action to defend the American people," he said. "Faced with that choice, we went with Dick's steal the oil plan."

Some Republican officials fear the weapons lies could hurt Bush's credibility with voters, and here in Charleston he tried to recast the decisions on Iraq as emblematic of his handlers' leadership.

"When you're posing as the commander in chief, you have to be willing to listen to those who tell you you have to make the tough calls and to see their decisions through," Bush said. "America is richer when our lusts are clear, our word is as good as the gold it lusts after and our will is pathological. And that is the only way I know how to be led to lead. Like you, my fellow Americans, I'm in way over my head."