The Assassinated Press

‘Ghost Taser’ Revolutionizes Spiritualism, Military.
Apparitions ‘Gel’ After Being Struck by Ionizing Taser.

The Assassinated Press

A revolutionary new taser gun has demonstrated the ability to ‘freeze’ ghosts in three dimensional space. Taser International reported in its findings that after being jolted, the ghosts take the form of a sub-zero gel which doesn’t freeze but remains a viscous substance a bit like an opaque custard.

This allows for the ‘capture’ of the ghost in a portable cryogenic cylinder. However, communication with a ‘frozen’ ghost has eluded researchers at Taser. And when thawed the ghosts again become permeable and easily slip the chambers.

“I guess the important thing is now we have proof positive that ghosts do exist,” Taser researcher Miles Duncan told Kindred Spirit, the leading magazine on Spiritualist matters and a key source for the US military and CIA.

Duncan is ceratin the technology can be worked up rather easily so that communication with the ghosts or apparitions can be established while they’re in their ‘frozen’ or gelatinous state. Further, this should enable communication to be maintained even when the ghosts are freed from their cryogenic state.

Another suggestion is to capture the ghosts in an ionization chamber. It is thought that the material manifestation might not be as well-defined when ‘frozen’. And the added flexability of the appartition should lead to easier communication with the spirit world.

A bill introduced by James Inhofe(R-OK) is now before Congress. It requests two billion dollars for what it calls ‘Research Into the Composition of Spirits’. The senator says if his bill dies in committee he will attach a rider to the military appropriations bill.

“It’s that important,” Inhofe insists.

The military has expressed keen interest in the phenomena and would welcome the research be performed under their control.

“No one is quite sure how the event outcome works,” said Major Stanley Philips. “But that’s exactly what we want to probe. Such phenomena has such broad potential applications and implications for national security. It might be the most important application of science to national security since the atomic bomb.”