The Assassinated Press

Mary Carey's Concession Speech:
California Gubenatorial Candidate Mary Carey's Concession Speech Before Supporters At The Lucille Ball First Resurrection Church In Burbank:
Governor Elect Frankenegger To Name Carey Comptroller

Burbank---First off, I'd like to thank the 9600 hundred men who suppressed their homo-erotic fantasies and voted for me instead of Arnold or Cruz. I wish I could fuck all of you as hard, and deep, and as long as Arnold Schwarzenegger is prepared to fuck every man, woman and child in California.

As most California psychics predicted, the candidate with the biggest tits won.

I'm gratified to have been a participant in this bizarre, commercial exercise, but, to be honest, once I learned that Arnold had gone down on former ENRON executive, Ken Lay, I knew I might as well wipe my pussy and put the towel up for bid on Ebay. Arnold even beat out former Los Angeles Mayor, Richard Riordan, for, the appropriately named, Lay's affections. I heard from Michael Milken, who did the money shots in Junk Bondage, that Riordan had to be content with blowing the comptroller of Dynegy.

The biggest name I went down on during the campaign was Regis Philbin.

But now California won't be needing that $9,000,000,000 that Lay, Skilling, Fastow , ENRON, Reliant, Williams, AES, and Dynegy stole from the state. Californians will not go hat in hand to their tormenters. As Arnold has said, he is already rich and will not be beholden to special interests like ENRON and Reliant.

So where will the money cum from? We can't get the jack from California's number two commodity, illicit drugs. The CIA won't hear of it. Got that Gary Webb and Maxine Waters? And, certainly, not with a governor in Sacramento who knows first hand the financial hardship that the ordinary lantern jawed, calcified, bio-degrading citizen would suffer from a tax on illegal steroids. "Steroids created the monster and Californians elected it. Let's stop this hypocrisy and legalize drugs and their abuse," cautioned Rush Limbaugh on his radio show on Tuesday.

Nor can we expect any largesse from our third most profitable industry, weapons research, now that the Horrin Snatch amendment to the current military budget exempts all companies and individuals and their families involved in defense related work from Federal and State income tax as well as the tax on medical marijuana.

We can't expect any relief from the fourth most profitable industry: energy. The money is already careening the other way on that one. And Arnold, a proud though hideously self-mutilated cartoon of a man, has made clear, he will not make beggars of the California electorate by asking Ken Lay and the others for one red cent of the $9,000,000,000 Lay and his cronies stole.

So where will the money come from? That's right. The revenue will come from California's number one industry, porn. Arnold and I brainstormed and decided that after he appoints me the state's new comptroller, Arnold and I will set about devising a stiff yet progressive tax on California porn. Of course, Californians will be exempt. Also, Larry Flint has generously offered 60,000 back issues of Hustler to the California public school system to encourage reading.

As Arnold has stressed, with imaginative programs like that, Californians will not be seen as whining nebish's pointing the school marmish finger of fraud at the Ken Lays, Jeffrey Skillings and Michael Milkens of the world. Conan says Californians are determined to stop blaming the bad guys for all of their problems. With the Terminator's help we will pull ourselves up from the edge of the computer generated chasm, oblivious to the special effects that threaten us at every turn, reassured by the two dimensional reality awaiting us in the darkened proscenium of California's future.

I mean, whom more appropriate to protect the interests of the citizens of California than Kindergarten Cop.

I must take leave of you now to edit the documentary of my campaign called Coital Recall. But I leave secure in the knowledge that though I lost this election, the outcome confirms that I need concede nothing.

Thank you. And may God blow you all.