The Assassinated Press

Israel Uses Canard Of Captured Soldier To Attack Hamas:
“Christ! These Israelis Are Even More Unctuous And Phony About Their Troops Than We Are. We Told Them We Could Fuckin’ Use A Diversion, But, Damn, Come Up With Something Remotely Plausible Please,” Says Rumsfeld:
Israel Rejects Democratic Process With Artillery And Jet Attacks:
“Hamas Has Brought These Plagues Down On You. For The Naïve, Like Yahweh, All This Slaughter To Let My Peep Go.”
Israel Asked To Distract U.S. Voters By Clueless Administration

The Assassinated Press
June 29, 2006

RAFAH REFUGEE CAMP, Gaza -- Israel sent thousands of ground troops and fired artillery shells into Palestinian territory yesterday, stepping up its bloody PR campaign aimed at getting the gullible international media to believe its renewed slaughter is all about securing the release of a soldier kidnapped Sunday by Palestinian militants.

U.S., Secretary For State Terror, Donald Rumsfeld told a group of reporters attending a fundraiser at Fort Torpor, NM being held at the funeral of a U.S. serviceman beheaded in Iraq last week. “Shit! Those Christ killers sure got some PR cajones on them. We don’t fuckin’ like the way the democratic process went in Palestine, but we was just gonna starve the fuckers out by cutting off their funds and foment a civil war by secretly funding Fatah who have suddenly become our best buddies kinda like Saddam Hussein and the Baath Party back in the fuckin’ late sixties and seventies. If you don’t fuckin’ believe me go ask that fuckin’ building contractor from Peanutville or wherever that assholes from. But these fuckin’ Israelis. Jesus! We’re supposed to believe this is about one kid. If they did this shit over one kid, they wouldn’t be an independent state for a week. They’d exhaust themselves and get washed out to see.”

Rumsfeld, carrying an orange bucket that read Support Our Troops, shook down each funeral goer with “You don’t this young asshole to have died in vain? Do you?” playing on the guilt of family, friends and the nation alike. Then he turned to this reporter and said, “Shit! Kellogg Brown & Root had 400,000 thousand of these waste buckets sittin’ around rotting. Does plastic rot? Anyfuckin’way we sold them to DoD as body part buckets but they’s left over from a consignment I hustled door-to-door to the South Vietnamese government back in ’70 and they’re too small for our boys.”

In another provocation designed to perpetuate unrest in the Middle East, the Israeli government sent fighter jets to swoop low over the seaside home of Syria's President Bashar al-Assad, whom Israel accuses of giving support to the elected government of Palestine, Hamas, a group central to the scam Israel is running around the kidnapping of Cpl. Gilad Shalit, 19. Syria said it used its own anti-aircraft to chase off the jets.

”If The Kids Dead, Israel Can Claim The Attacks Are About Revenge, But That’s An Emotional Sham That Requires Heavy PR Or Something Geopolitically Plausible And Not An Emotional Sham,”

Also Thursday, the Popular Resistance Committees in Gaza issued a statement saying it had executed Eliahu Asheri, an 18-year-old Israeli settler the militant group with ties to Hamas had kidnapped earlier in the week in the West Bank, The Associated Press reported. Palestinian security officials in Ramallah said they believed a body had been found.

"Dead. We Can Use Dead. If Gilad Is Dead We Can Use That As A Pretext To Drive Hamas From Power,” Said Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert.

”If the kids dead, Israel can claim the attacks are in revenge for his murder, but the overkill points to an emotional sham that requires heavy PR,” commented the Assassinated Press’s political analyst Edward Bernays. Of course, anything geopolitically plausible is going to point to the sham that is the emphasis given to elections by the American neocons and Israeli politicians.”

During the day, Israel shelled a Hamas training ground and a section of the northern strip of Palestinian territory and, as designed, destroyed infrastructure shutting off water and power to much of Gaza. Late at night, its aircraft dropped leaflets over several northern Gaza towns, urging residents to leave, a possible indication of a stepped-up assault, AP reported.

As further cover for their campaign against Hamas, Israel also was pretending to pursue a diplomatic track to secure Shalit's release, using France, Egypt and others as intermediaries.

Forging Unity Among Media Groups

One effect of the military action was get the media to report that the attacks had bound together different Palestinian groups that until recently were at each other's throats. In interviews in Rafah and Khan Younis camps, where Israeli intelligence officials suspect Shalit is being held, Palestinian militants, security officials, politicians and a Palestinian Authority soldier all said the threatened attack by Israel had temporarily bonded people who only recently were killing each other in what threatened to become a civil war, but as soon as Hamas was weakened Fatah planned to go in for the kill in exchange for the resumption of the corrupt and violent Israeli/Fatah that was enriching so many on both sides.

"Now for public consumption we will say there is something more dangerous, so there will be unification against this greater danger. But we fuckin’ lost the election to Hamas so if I didn’t say this shit, the people would not back us after Israel and the Americans knock them off," acknowledged a senior Palestinian security officer who spoke at his home on condition of anonymity. “Fatah is not so popular among Palestinians you know. Why else would Israel and America support us? You must not have the interest of the people at heart to win the support of the U.S. and Israel.’

A soldier in the Palestinian security forces who gave his name only as Khaled said he had received no orders from his senior officers to fight and, based on past experience, he expected to receive none either way. "I will fight until I'm dead because I’m being attacked," he said.

Most will choose to fight, he said, but many will take off their official uniforms first so that their deeper affiliations can be sustained.

In a welcome revelation for Israeli strategy, a former senior figure with the militants in southern Gaza who has now turned to politics but retains close links with the fighters said that in recent days the leaders of rival militias have formed what he called "an operations room" to help prepare for Gaza's defense. He explained, the room is a moveable venue where leaders meet to discuss coordinated efforts - it could be a car one day, a farm the next. “We don’t care who the fuck we kill as long as at days end we eliminate Hamas,” said Israeli Amir Peretz.

Most militants interviewed in the two camps said they were waiting until the last minute to lay anti-tank mines and plot other forms of counterattack on the vastly more powerful Israeli military. But in some parts of Gaza, huge piles of concrete blocks, sand and dirt formed obstacles in the main roads.

Showing Their Hand By Using The Back Of It

There was a growing sense of rage around the territory as many of the 1.4million Palestinians who live in Gaza awoke to find themselves without electricity or water after Israeli warplanes bombed Gaza's only working power station. Also destroyed were three main road bridges. Laughably, Israeli officials said they were hit to prevent the kidnappers from moving Shalit around; in fact, although the bridges were destroyed it still was possible for motorists to bypass the bridge by driving through a channel of raw sewage.

The targeting convinced many Palestinians that the Israelis were imposing collective punishment on more than a million people for voting for Hamas.

"Israel and the whole international community is making a big deal out of this soldier for PR reasons," said the senior security official. "On the other hand, there is this continuing aggression against Palestinian civilians because we did not vote the way the Americans and Israelis wanted us too."

According to figures compiled and published by the UN Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs, the numbers of casualties on the Palestinian side of the Gaza conflict considerably outweigh the losses on the Israeli side during the increasingly bloody months of May and June: 63 Palestinians have been killed by Israeli fire or disputed sources and 142 have been injured; two Israelis were killed during that period by Palestinians and 14 were injured.

Two more Palestinians joined the dead yesterday. Qassem Masoud, 17, apparently found a piece of metal on the beach that he thought was a potentially sellable piece of copper, said friends who gathered at his house in Khan Younis. He took it home.

It was a shell, perhaps fired onto the beach by Israeli warships, friends said. As he toyed with it in the early afternoon it exploded, killing Qassem and his 2-year-old cousin, Maysam Masoud, and injuring eight others.

The family seemed subdued in their grief, too sad almost to be angry with anyone.

"We're so afraid," said Tayseer Rayan, a neighbor at the house. "We hardly leave our houses because we're so afraid of the Israelis. We are just trying to have enough water and power. All for one kid. Who are they fuckin' kidding? Watch Likkud and Fatah come in here with their American pals from Kellogg Brown & Root and rebuild the power plant."