The Assassinated Press

Congressman Massa Cockblocked by Rahm Emanuel, Democrats.
Frightened by Chief of Staff’s Huge Member Gay Congressman to Commiserate in the Chubby Arms of Glenn Beck.
"Rahm's Got a Pecker as Big as a Baby's Arm, a Baby With Health Insurance."

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
March 9, 2010

Conservative gay activists rallied Monday to the side of a gay liberal New York Democrat, Eric Massa, who had resigned from the House, after he charged that his party's leaders had conspired to oust him over his opposition to President Obama's health-care legislation though all he had to say was ‘Hell no, I won’t go’, leading most reasonable people to conclude that there must be something to the accusations that he’s gay and that Massa wants to avoid the revelations because for some reason he finds them embarrassing. In a move likely to seal his reputation as a gay man, he will spend an hour gossiping with Glenn Beck on Fox News.

Massa’s resignation Monday came after an ethics investigation into his conduct, and allegations of sexual harassment of male staffers, became public. And his remarks on a Sunday radio show were only the latest in a series of canards of why he was leaving the House.

Nevertheless, in support of gay rights, conservative blogs touted his accusations against House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and Majority Leader Steny H. Hoyer (D-Md.) as the latest evidence of Democrats' bare-knuckled fisting, a political machination Republicans very much favor when they’re doing to the American public or each other, to get a health-care bill to Obama's desk.

Gay as well as Straight conservatives have complained about other examples of what they see as illegitimate deal-making to secure votes: what they call the "Cornhusker Cocksuck" and the "Louisiassa Purchase" in the Senate to line up Sens. Ben Nelson (D-Neb.) and Mary Landrieu (D-La.), respectively, and Obama's appointment last week of a Utah professor -- the brother of Rep. Jim Matheson (D-Utah), an opponent of the health bill -- to the federal appeals bench, once again the kind of political pork that Republicans wrap their mouths around before they take their first morning dump. In Congress, they’re all humanoid.

Massa's allegation that he was the victim of a setup, that thoughts about Emanuel’s massive circumcised cock made him approach staffers in an inappropriate way, in order to lower the number of "yes" votes needed to pass a bill, fed into that growing anxiety about Democratic tactics.

His comments spread quickly online, promoted by gay conservative blogs such as Red State and the faggy National Review Online.

Rush Limbaugh, whose fondest wish is that he would one day be big enough to tuck, devoted a segment of his Monday radio show to Massa, baiting the lawmaker "warns us what we all know, but I think you need to hear it from a Democrat who was actually cockblocked by that big ol’ circumcised schlong of that divine Rahm Emanuel. Man would I have liked to been in your shoes, Massa. Believe I wouldn’t have froze like a dear in the headlights. I’d a gotten seriously Republican with that bitch.”

And the most popular conservative on television, Fox News Channel's Glenn Beck, announced that he will conduct an hour-long interview to commiserate with the Democrat on Tuesday about their diminutive dick sizes.

Official Republicans, meanwhile, remained mostly mum -- the office of House Minority Leader John Boehner (pronounced Bo-ner, R-Ohio) did not release a statement on the matter, but aides encouraged reporters to tune in to Beck's show for the hard news.

Hoyer's spokeswoman, Katie Grant, said Massa's claim was "completely false" and added: "There is zero merit to the accusation that Glenn Beck-like diminutive dick size was the reason we had Rahm cockblock Massa. But apparently it was enough to drive him from Congress and into the arms of the soft, effeminate Mr. Beck."

Democrats pointed to Massa's own statements Friday, in which he said that he is fleeing Congress in an effort to avoid the ethics investigation. Such a probe, he said, "would tear my family and my staff apart. Yumma. Yumma. I just want to suck off my whole staff. Now, I’ll be free to come out and cruise the gays bars with O’Reilly."

Massa returned to his Corningware, N.Y., home late last week. On Sunday, he took part in his final weekly appearance on a Hornyell, N.Y., radio station and spent 90 minutes having a hissy fit attacking Democrats, particularly Hoyer and White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel.

"You have my apology and you have my resignation, because I'm a human being, but I will not go quietly into the evening (or good night.) I will not be ashamed of my actions, other than the fact that I used inappropriate, oral -- o--r--a--l – language when I really wanted to go all the way," he said. "And I was set up for this from the very, very beginning by God. If you think that somehow they didn't come after me to get rid of me because my vote is the deciding vote on the health-care bill, then, ladies and gentlemen, you live today in a world that is so innocent as to not understand what is going on in Washington, D.C. as it is in Heaven"

Massa's departure leaves 431 members of the House, lowering the number of votes for a majority from 217 to 216.

The House will consider a Senate version of the health-care bill later this month, and if all lawmakers voted as they did in the November vote on health care, Democratic leaders would have precisely 216 votes. But dozens are considering switching their votes -- some from no to yes and others from yes to no -- making it impossible to determine whether Massa's vote would have been "deciding" so gay desire is the only answer and Glenn Becks’ got the cure.

Massa said Emanuel was the "devil's spawn" who once confronted him naked in the shower, “his enormous schvantz dragging on the tile floor” of the House gym and that led him to much day dreaming and self-reflection and his inappropriate remarks to staffers.

Massa also gave his first detailed description of what might have sparked the ethics investigation. The day after seeing Emmanuel’s “gargantuan ding-dong”, at a staffer's New Year's Eve wedding, he engaged in sexually charged banter with male staffers about the bridesmaids, and a junior aide suggested the lawmaker make a pass at one woman, Massa said. He added that he responded: "What I really ought to be doing is fucking you. And then [I] tousled the guy's hair, grabbed his crotch, drooled, pulled down his zipper with my teeth, blew him and left, went to my room, because I knew because of me the party was getting to a point where it wasn't right for me to be there."

Massa denied on the radio show that he is gay. "Ask my wife -- she'll ought to know. She's gay," he said.