The Assassinated Press

The 9/ll Commission -- The Warren Commission Revisited:
Cheney: "We have met the Commission, and they are us."
Bush: "It was a thrill to sit there and intimidate the weaklings!"
Rumsfeld: " Mass murder is just one of our options."

by Myna Byrdsong
The Assassinated Press April 29, 2004

Washington DC---Following in the tradition of the Warren Commission, the chairman of the commission investigating the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, today acknowledged that the panel was well on its way to comply with the goal for which it was created. "Our job is to make sure that any evidence that would show any complicity by the President Bush or Vice President Cheney or members of their administration is completely buried," said former New Jersey Gov. Thomas Kean, the commission's Republican chairman. When queried by obeisant reporters, Kean declared that it was his intention that such reports be buried "under a mountain of crap, just like the Warren Commission did."

Democratic commissioner Bob Kerrey said that he agreed "in principle" with the Kean. "This is a no brainer," the former war criminal crowed. "They were willing to cover up the scores of Vietnamese civilians that I murdered, so it's only fair that I return the favor."

In a response to a foreign journalist, Kean and Kerrey denied that the Commission's mandate was to report fully and completely on the events of 9/ll. Kean responded to the journalist:

"Everyone knows that terms like 'fully and completely' mean just the opposite. The American consumers are not entitled to know what actually happened, and they wouldn't want to know even if they were so entitled. They prefer slogans and lies to the truth. It's the perfect fix -- they don't want to know, and we don't want to tell them. This is how American democracy works."

When asked if he thought the Administration had ay advance warning prior to 9/11, Kerrey responded by saying, "you haven't been listening. We're just bureaucrats, we're not supposed to have opinions. We do what we're told. Our role was fully vetted by the oil interests, and that's good enough for me and for the American consumers. Our media people know this, and it's high time you foreigners get on board -- it's the American way or no way."